HORRORScopes! Funny Horoscope Translations For The Week of June 28th

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Domestic issues take center stage when the Sun conjuncts Mercury in home-loving Cancer on Monday. A loved one may call for a long chat. Wednesday is perfect for wishing on a star. Dreams may come true. Love issues prove complex on Friday, when the Moon in dualistic Pisces is quincunx Venus in Leo. Jealousy intrudes on the dating game. On Sunday fireworks go off when the Moon in volatile Aries is quincunx Mars. Get some sparklers and watch them glow!

Not surprisingly “the stars” predict that domestic issues take center stage this week, as for most people it’s the 4th of July (and a 3 day weekend). Sorry to say some people may not have a long weekend. But apparently the stars didn’t take you into account. Nor did they consider British expatriates when they predicted “On Sunday fireworks go off…” Really, do a lot of British people celebrate the 4th of July? Bumble wouldn’t if he was British. Bumble would still be pissed! Give us back our continent you fat ingrates! But Bumble isn’t British, so like all good Americans he will find some English person to taunt on the 4th. Nah, nah, got your colony!

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope:

Aries, you believe in finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Wishing on a star is a favorite pastime. This week you’ll be more practical. On Tuesday you’ll take steps to achieve a cherished dream. Follow your hunches on Thursday. You’ll have a prophetic dream. On Saturday your energy level will be extraordinarily high as the Moon in fiery Aries conjuncts explosive Uranus. It isn’t the time to play with fire – you’ll get burned!

Horrorscope: You live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. Wake up and get the dosage adjusted! You shouldn’t be having prophetic dreams either, so discontinue the Chantix and just light up a Camel.

Bumble also suspects that you are a bit absentminded, careless, and apt to wander around with your head in the clouds. Skip the barbecues on the 4th. Bumble predicts bad potato salad in your future which will cause Uranus to be explosive. Avoid flames too as you are likely to blow off your hand. In fact, Bumble would just skip the parties altogether and find a marathon on Bravo.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Your brain will be buzzing early this week, Taurus. On Monday the Sun conjuncts quicksilver Mercury in your sector of the mind, and your thoughts will churn rapidly. An urge to visit faraway places may hit you on Thursday. You usually love your own backyard, but now wanderlust will set in. Consider taking daytrips to shake up your mental landscape. Your subconscious mind will try to talk to you this weekend. Listen – and take some notes for future reference.

Horrorscope: You are Taurus the mighty Red Bull! If you want your mind to stop churning, cut back a bit on the energy drinks. Normally you like your own back yard but not this week. You will spend the weekend slaving over a grill while your friends and relatives drink your beer and urinate in your bushes. No wonder you have wanderlust. Your subconscious mind will talk to you but likely it is a halucinatory effect from standing in the heat over an open flame for hours while your party drinks you broke. For future reference, don’t host on the 4th next year.

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: Gemini, you’re usually a cool customer. However, this week you’ll be emotionally needy. On Tuesday you may feel lonely. Consider joining a new club. A secret will come to light when the Moon is quincunx Venus, the ruler of your zone of hidden matters, on Friday. If you don’t want confidential information known, keep your diary under lock and key when friends visit.

Horrorscope: Bumble has no idea what a moon quincunxing Venus means but it sounds like you would want to keep that confidential. Watch out for friends and family over the weekend getting drunk and paging through your Hello Kitty diary. If you wanted them to know what you really thought of them, you’d get really drunk and disinherited.

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: Cancer, your Zodiac symbol is the Crab and you tend to scuttle into your shell very easily. On Monday the Sun in Cancer conjuncts Mercury and you’ll experience a blast of confidence. Self-esteem issues will evaporate. It’s time to shine! On Saturday an issue with legal ramifications could occur. You may need to retain a lawyer to help you out of a jam. Don’t worry – right is on your side. Try not to be irritable on Sunday. Watch your words.

Horrorscope: Yikes! Bumble is a Cancer and this doesn’t look good for him. You may need to retain a lawyer? Eeeeek… SyFy! At least right is on Bumble’s side, but that hardly covers legal fees. For the rest of the Cancer’s out there Bumble is at a loss. This clearly is directed exclusively at Bumble. Yes, it is a Bumble-centric universe this week.

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: Cheerful is your middle name, Leo. You’re ruled by the brilliant Sun and possess an upbeat outlook on life. Your mood will be especially positive on Monday. The desire to enjoy life will be strong. Have a good time! On Sunday a friend will prove extremely quarrelsome. Maintain a sunny outlook while interacting with this person.

Horrorscope: Bumble isn’t surprised that you are cheerful this week. After all it’s been nearly a week since any celestial she-males buggered you. Live it up, Bumble has a hunch the planetary cycles repeat and she will be back eventually. Sunday it appears your friend will have had too much to drink, and/or is a bitter British person not quite so excited about independence day. Stay calm, we won and they can’t have it back no matter how big a snit they throw.

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

On Monday you’ll be inundated with bright ideas when the Sun conjuncts Mercury, your ruler. Surprising news occurs on Thursday. A close associate could unexpectedly decide to move. It’s possible you’ll want to join your companion and you may decide to pack your bags! Responsibility will take center stage on Saturday. Your needs will take second place to those of the people you love this weekend.

Horrorscope: Bright ideas abound Monday, but somehow by Thursday you will want to pack up and shack up with a close associate? Have you been taking advice from Dr. Phil again? Saturday you will come to your senses with no harm done. Your needs will take second place to those people you love this weekend… You must be one of those unsung mommy’s that has to run around frantically to get sprinklers, charcoal, and “homemade” potato salad. Bumble thanks you, but please don’t make anyone’s Uranus explosive.

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: Libra, you’ll be in a temperamental mood this week. Venus, your ruler, is in fiery Leo, and you’ll ride an emotional roller coaster on Tuesday. You’ll blow up easily and react temperamentally to frustrating circumstances. Engage in activities that can help you mellow out.  On Sunday you’ll be ready to relax and take a break from the rat race.

Horrorscope: Uh oh your ruler is in fiery Leo… Then why the hell is he so cheerful this week? You have a truly deviant ruler in this Venus character. If she is the role model it’s no wonder you are such a miserable wretch. Try not to do anything you’ll regret this week, like loudly telling the truth. By Sunday you can get a break from the rat race, pee in someone’s bushes and drink their beer.  Just find yourself a Taurus and invite yourself over.

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: On Monday you’ll realize you’re in a mental rut. It may be time to alter the view you hold of the world. You’re ready to think outside the box. The urge to go back to school may hit on Thursday. You might decide to finish a college degree.

Horrorscope: Good lord you are a mess! Whatever is giving you the urge to go back to school Bumble hopes it isn’t that dumb show Glee. More likely by now you have the urge to send your kids back to school than return yourself.  You should definitely resist the urge to finish a college degree. Instead withdraw all your savings in cash and burn it. Ultimately, it’s the same effect on your life as a worthless piece of paper. Sure, you may have always wanted to say you finished school, got that masters etc. But hell, you can SAY it now and save a lot of money. Nobody checks that stuff anyway. Buy a Harvard sweatshirt and use polysyllabic words. People will assume you graduated and you save a lot of money and effort. They don’t teach those kind of life skills at college and Bumble doesn’t charge tuition.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You’ll experience one of life’s little surprises this week. Conversation with a friend could be strained on Wednesday. Give your friend some space and don’t press him or her to be talkative. Good vibrations will flow when the Moon in enthusiastic Aries conjuncts Jupiter, your ruler, on Saturday. A friend will do you a good turn to repay a favor.

Horrorscope: Oh no, this sounds like a classic case of “should have worn protection”! Life’s little surprises almost always means that it hurts when you pee. You probably caught something last week during the cosmic orgy. Wednesday you will run into the donor of your little surprise and it will be a bit awkward. There is just no good way to ask, “hey um are your genitals, you know… poisoned?”. Back off and let your friend with HMO type benefits tell you what you should get tested for. Saturday they will own up and ease your suffering by revealing that they just had a yeast infection. Phew!

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: Déjà vu hits this week, Capricorn. On Monday the Moon in your sign trines Saturn and you’ll have instinctive rapport with a new friend. This person could turn out to be a life mentor. On Thursday you’ll be ready to broaden your horizons.

Horrorscope: Wow, Bumble was right last week to say you were a filthy whore. After another week you are still trining away. “Instinctive rapport with a new friend” = you are easier than the crossword puzzle in USA today. This person could turn out to be a life mentor, but more likely is just another notch in your squeaky whorehouse headboard. Dirty dirty nasty Capricorn. My god Bumble adores you!

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: Where are you going, Aquarius? This week you could lose your sense of direction. On Monday you’ll navigate without a compass. On Thursday clever Mercury sextiles Mars, the ruler of your sector of the mind, and you’ll have the mental energy you need to create a new road map for your life. A friend needs attention on Sunday. Your companion has a startling confession to make.

Horrorscope: Better change the batteries in the Tom Tom if you don’t want to wander aimlessly all week. If you are going to find that barbecue on Sunday get a map just in case. What’s a map? Um, maps were used back in the day when people didn’t ask their phones for directions. Yes, sort of like Google Maps but printed on paper. Nevermind! Look just make sure you get good directions to the 4th of July picnic. You don’t want to miss it when your companion reveals that; they want to run away with someone, have a rabid yeast infection again, want to go back to college, or are horribly smitten with a slutty Capricorn. No matter how startling the confession just remember accidents happen every year with fireworks. The trick is to make it look self inflicted. So no inserting the M-80 anywhere and it will be passed off as another Darwin Award nominee.

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Pisces, this week your sense of positive well-being will activate. The radiant Sun conjuncts wise Mercury in your zone of fun and amusement on Monday, and you’ll embrace the joy of living. You’ll rediscover the zest for life you thought you’d lost. You’ll be ready to access your personal power on Thursday. You’re ready to flex your muscles and become a person of influence in the community.

Horrorscope: Last week you were going to volunteer at a soup kitchen or mentor a child. This week your positive sense of well being will activate. You’ll have a zest for life and become a person of influence in the community. Ok WTF?! You are consistently making 11 other zodiac signs look bad! Apparently anyone born in February and March is as happy as Elmo and as altruistic as Mother Theresa. Bumble isn’t buying it! Something is fishy here Pisces. Have you been writing horoscopes? This seems like an inside job. Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Bumble better see some horrible character flaws in your horoscope next week or it’s sushi time for you.