Open Offer to Jon Stewart

Bumble has been a huge Jon Stewart fan for years. He even bought his book, America (The Book) back in ought four. In truth, Bumble hasn’t read it, (it was probably written by interns anyway). It does grace the coffee table though and add a certain rogue intellectualism to the living room.

Yes, this is a real Teabaggers sign!

Recently, Jon announced plans for the “March to Restore Sanity” on October 30th. At least we know the signage will be intentionally funny.

The day before Halloween though? Traditionally that is a day when one is allowed to go a little insane. The night of the 30th is known as “Devil’s Night”, or “Mischief Night” depending on where you live. Typical activities are soaping cars, toilet papering trees and of course egging cars. Bumble supposes Jon chose the date with a little irony in mind. Or he is jut nuts. Either way it does not diminish Bumble’s platonic, though inter-species crush on him.

As Bumble is a cat, and an angry black Persian at that, he will not be able to attend the March to Restore Sanity and claw at Colbert. Bumble cannot stand that guy. Why? For starters he mispronounces his own name. Colbert’s also the worst of many coat tail riders to launch from The Daily Show and leave Jon Stewart behind.

Let’s take a brief look at the traitors that left The Daily Show for either bigger networks or more lucrative opportunities.

We shall annex Poland by springtime!

Stephen Colbert – Possibly the most caucasian man that ever lived, Stephen launched from Jon’s coattails 5 years ago and started The Colbert Report. He along with Steve Carrel paved the way for other defectors and ingrates! He even has the gall to stay in the follow time slot sucking ratings like some red tie wearing vampire.

Imagine the audacity to call his followers the “Colbert Nation”! Bumble’s Nation of Infidels would shred those goofs. Not only does Stephen self promote more than Buzz Aldrin, but his name appears on more merchandise than Justin Bieber.

A bridge in Hungary is a bridge too far! That’s right, Bumble said it. For those of you that don’t know, Colbert urged his viewers to vote online for a contest being held by Hungarian officials to name a bridge. Since Hungarians are likely to have 28k modems, Colbert won. Probably because one kid in a basement in New Jersey voted faster than all of Hungary combined.

Thankfully the committee overruled the decision. Unfortunately, the incident led to others jumping on the Colbert naming bandwagon. Now if you are Hungary (hehe) you can enjoy Colbert’s own ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s AmeriCone Dream. Where is Bumble’s flavor? What happened to Death to Goo? Bumble want’s his bong back Ben.

That's sensous compared to what Bumble would do to you!

Steve Carell – Wow, talk about cashing in! His resume since leaving Stewart’s tutelage: The Office on NBC, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Get Smart, Date Night, and finally Dinner for Schmucks. Speaking of schmucks Bumble has to wonder if Jon feels a little fertummelt seeing Carell making so much money! Steve Carell was terrible on The Daily Show an is now worth over $45 million!

Carell pretends to be from Scranton on TV to the tune of $300,000 per episode. Jon, well Jon once performed at the Kirby Center in Wlikes-Barre, PA for about $3,000.  This is starting to sound a bit like the plot to “It’s A Wonderful Life” isn’t it? All of Jon’s friends run off to greener pastures while he stayed at home to tend the family business. Don’t be too sad though. Jon is worth about twice as much as Steve Carell.

The Winner? Bumble thinks not!

Rob Corddry – You may not remember Rob from The Daily Show, but Bumble does. Actually, he was really funny. Rob did a segment called “This Week In God” that was always spot on. Unfortunately, Rob probably should have stayed with Jon. His own show called The Winner was a loser, lasting exactly 14 days in 2007. That’s only two weeks longer than Bumble’s show which has never aired!

His film credits are much better though. Rob had supporting roles in Blades of Glory, Semi-Pro, Failure to Launch, and co-starred in Hot Tub Time Machine. Rob at least seems to know where his bread is buttered though. His next film The Donor, is a Jon Stewart production.

You probably didn't know his name, but you've seen him.

Rob Riggle – Rob Riggle replaced Rob Corddry on The Daily Show in 2006. Surely he would have some loyalty to Jon? Nope. It didn’t take long for him to sneak out for job interviews eventually landing a parts in Talladega Nights, The Hangover, and The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.

In 2009, Riggle left for good landing a role on the CBS comedy Gary Unmarried, playing a former Marine, and Jay Mohr’s brother.

Why isn’t anyone just simply content to hang out on basic cable and be funny? Surely Jon is tired of the disloyalty shown by the ensemble cast and contributors that use his show as a stepping stone. Even John Oliver does guest appearances on Community, and he is British for heaven’s sakes.

So here at last is Bumble’s open offer to Jon Stewart.

Dear Jon,

Bumble pledges his eternal loyalty to Comedy Central and The Daily Show. All Bumble asks is a chance to show his stuff on your show. In exchange, Bumble guarantees he will stand by you in all your endeavors and never bite the hand that feeds him. Unless you touch his belly. The belly is verboten!

What can Bumble, a cat do on The Daily Show? Bumble already has tens of followers ready to tune in to see him as a correspondent! But aside from the influx of new viewers, Bumble can provide other services such as emitting a highly concentrated ammonia smelling compound on Republican guests in the green room. Let’s see Samantha Bee do that!

Also, Bumble would be willing to go to the Crossfire studio once a week and defecate somewhere that it would not easily be found.

Last but not least, Bumble represents an untapped target audience for you! Sure, you have a Senior Asian Correspondent, Senior Middle East Correspondent, and a slew of contributors at your disposal. Bumble fills a heretofore unexplored niche though. Here’s a sample of how it might look.

Call me Jon!