The internet has been full of rumors about Chris Jericho’s future as of late. Bumble even tried to start a rumor, but it hasn’t had any legs yet. His contract does expire and has yet to be renewed. Tonight he posted the following message on Facebook…

As of now i am going to retire after Night of champions, With that said, i could wake up tomorrow and change my mind on things again. Thats just me.

So it does appear Chris still could opt to stay. What can you do to convince the most entertaining superstar of the new millenium to stay on TV? Bumble is going to tempt Chris to re-sign with WWE by raising an old school ECW style “Please Don’t Go!” chant on Facebook.

The internet has been abuzz of late with rumors that Chris Jericho may be leaving wrestling. This past Monday, Chris commented on Raw that if he didn’t win the championship at Night of Champions he would leave the WWE. These comments only added fuel to the fire of speculation surrounding one of the most entertaining men in the industry.

His band Fozzy begins touring the UK in October, and Chris is also working on a follow up book to his memoirs A Lion’s Tale: Around the World in Spandex. Bumble highly recommends A Lion’s Tale even to non-wrestling fans (heathens that you are). It is hilarious and heartfelt.

Combined with reports that he has yet to re-sign with the WWE, it appears the stage is set. Nevertheless, the stage has been set before in the WWE only to have the rug pulled out from under fans. The internet in particular is guilty of rampant speculation masquerading as fact.

Until now! Bumble has it from a completely unconfirmed fictitious source that Chris will indeed be leaving the WWE to pursue other opportunities including touring with Fozzy. Though only 39, and certainly capable of managing the combined schedule Chris has finally reached a crossroads.

For the benefit of this article, it seems that Fozzy’s record label (which shall remain nameless here to prevent further “Cease and Desist” spam), has insisted that Fozzy incorporate a female singer for the UK tour. Given that Fozzy represents a life long dream of Chris Irvine to be a rock star he feels that he is left with only one choice. Yes, Chris will lose at Night of Champions. Shocking? Hardly. The truly shocking news? Chris will begin touring October 9th in the UK following gender reassignment surgery!

That’s right, Chris will be getting a sex change so that he can still lead Fozzy. Unfortunately he would be a hideous Diva and the WWE is not interested.

Bumble must give Chris credit. Sometimes it takes big sacrifices to follow your dreams.

Best of luck Chris in whatever you decide to do! You are a better male than Bumble. For now anyway.

On September 6th, National Geographic will premier a special Giuliani’s 9.11. The commercials really sparked some thoughts for me, especially in light of recent political news regarding the “Mosque at Ground Zero.” Bumble has agreed to sit this one out and let “Daddy” finally do a guest post. I should warn you it is not the usual funny Infidel Nation content and it might be disturbing to some readers.

It has been nearly 9 years since the tragic attack on 9/11. How has it changed America? For better or worse, we now have a Department of Homeland Security, two wars, The Patriot Act, and terror alert colors.

How did Americans feel about Islam then as opposed to today? It’s always dangerous to try to answer a question like that. The best I hope to do is share my own experiences and emotions about that day and the years that followed. Hopefully I am not alone in still thinking about these things, but to understand where we are today we have to remember the events of 2001. For my generation I think that day is like the day Kennedy was assassinated. We will always remember where we were when we heard the news of the attacks.

That Day

My fiance and I had actually gotten up early that day to go to the local courthouse for our marriage license. We were in the car listening to the radio when the first plane hit. It was surreal. At first the details were very, very scarce. I immediately thought it was some small plane that just made a horrible error. We continued on to the courthouse. You could tell the employees in even this small town courthouse were tense and some were visibly shaken. Somehow we managed to get our marriage license and left the building under the assumption that this was just a bizarre aviation accident.

On leaving the courthouse we were immediately met by a beat reporter for a local newspaper. He stopped us and asked if we were nervous or afraid being inside the courthouse. My first though was “hell yeah, I just got a marriage license!”. He was kind enough to not quote that in the paper and took the time to explain that the second tower had been hit. We were in complete shock. Driving home we listened to the radio and realized for the first time that America was under attack. Unreal.

Once we got home we learned of the pentagon attack and what seemed like a bizarre crash in Shanksville, PA. My initial though was “my god they are just taking down planes anywhere they can”.

Then what were probably the most unforgettable images I have ever seen began to show on TV. The first tower falling and turning completely to dust. Then the second. I still can’t honestly process what that must have been like for anyone near ground zero. Nor can I imagine the courage it took to run towards that scene.

The attacks had the desired effect on me personally. I was terrified. I sat on the couch with my fiance watching the entire day transpire on the news. I recall even then thinking that America would never be the same. For one thing the media was actually just reporting. That day still stands out to me as the last time TV simply let the story unfold without interjecting opinions, speculation, and agendas. The event itself was big enough and didn’t need talking heads throwing out their two cents.

In The Aftermath

In the days after 9/11, I was shocked at what appeared to be an unprovoked terrorist attack on US soil. Initially it seemed unprecedented in history. Immediately, my own ignorance was exposed. In fact, this wasn’t even the first attack on the World Trade Center by Al-Qaeda trained terrorists. I had nearly forgotten the attack in 1993 in which a truck bomb was detonated below the North Tower. I vaguely remembered it, but somehow thought it was a domestic terrorist attack similar to the Timothy McVeigh bombing in Oklahoma City. Admittedly, if I had ever heard of Osama Bin Laden, or Al-Qaeda I had forgotten them or written them off as a one time threat that failed in ’93. Over the next months Osama Bin Laden became synonymous with the boogie man, and Al Qaeda became an elusive evil army.

In the days and weeks that followed, America learned all about how much the world hated us. We watched people dancing in the streets cheering the attack. We learned of Al Qaeda and knew just how well organized they were. Fear would seemingly forever be a part of American life, and it was clear that ignorance was dangerous.

On 9/12, one of my coworkers actually tried to tell me that we had been attacked by the “Philistines”. Granted, she wasn’t really bright. I guess giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she meant Palestinians (which was still way off). I knew the middle eastern countries constantly lived with daily terrorist threats, but those were far off places like Lebanon, Israel, and Jordan. Shanksville, PA didn’t seem to fit the mold.

Pride in Americans

The weeks that followed were filled with truly inspiring human stories and it was hard not to be proud of my country in the aftermath.

Accounts of heroism from everyday people began to fill the news. Fireman and Police from all over the east coast flocked to ground zero with one simple goal. Help someone, anyone. The tragic loss of life was unprecedented, but so was the bravery shown by average New Yorkers and Emergency Response units that day. In the months that followed the death count rose to 2,996 dead. Citizens from over 90 countries died that day for no better reason than that they went to work. 411 emergency workers from the NYPD, FDNY, and Port Authority died in an effort to save lives.

Without their sacrifice many more people would have died that day. Out of the ashes rose the best of humanity regardless of race, religion, or nationality. For the people that were at ground zero none of that mattered. Everyone was equal in the chaos and deserved a chance to live. The hatred and ignorance of the terrorists was nothing compared to the courage and unconditional sacrifice made that day.

In the days that followed heroism took many forms. Here are just a few events that left a lasting impact with me.

Rudy Guliani – Stayed Strong From the day of September 11th to the years that followed the Mayor was a rock for New Yorkers and Americans. His constant presence on TV and radio was a reassurance to many that one day things could again be normal. If you put aside political opinions it is difficult to argue that the man transcended public office during that time and became a bastion of strength for everyone.

Bill Maher and HBO – Spoke Out Many people would disagree with me on this one, but that’s what makes America great. In 2002 Bill’s show Politically Incorrect was canceled by ABC in large part due to his “controversial” remarks after 9/11. In case you forgot, here are the controversial remarks. His comments were actually in response to a guests remarks from conservative pundit Dinseh D’Souza that the 9/11 terrorists did not act in a cowardly manner. Bill agreed with him saying, “We have been the cowards. Lobbing cruise missiles from two thousand miles away. That’s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building. Say what you want about it. Not cowardly. You’re right.” Bill’s basic point then and over the next months was that Americans needed to better understand what they were fighting against.

In 2003 HBO picked Bill up and began to air Real Time With Bill Maher. Whether you love or hate Bill Maher give the man the respect he is due. In the aftermath of a terrorist attack when the country was too scared to think straight, Bill stood by his comments and exercised the very free speech that Islamic fundamentalists abhor. Is he a hero of 9/11? Certainly not of the same variety as the Emergency Response people that gave their lives. At the time though, I am sure Bill Maher thought his career was over and he still didn’t back down. For a comedian with a show that was based on satire, he showed more journalistic integrity and willingness to reconsider the enemy than most of mainstream America at the time. To me, that is heroic.

Saturday Night Live SNL was scheduled to premier just two weeks after 9/11. While they considered postponing the season premier, Lorne Michaels eventually decided that the best way to fight terrorism was to let the show go on. Giuliani again was front and center and opened the show with these remarks:

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening. Since September 11th, many people have called New York a city of heroes. Well, these are the heroes. The brave men and women of the New York Fire Department, the New York Police Department, the Port Authority Police Department, Fire Commissioner Tom Von Essen, and Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik.

On September 11th, more lives were lost than on any other single day in America’s history. More than Pearl Harbor, and more than D-Day. The men, women and children who were in the World Trade Center came from across the country and 80 different nations. They were living their lives and pursuing their dreams, and they, too, are remembered as heroes. On our city’s darkest day, our heroes met the worst of humanity with the best of humanity. Their acts of heroism saved more than 25,000 lives. But even as we grieve for our loved ones, it’s up to us to face our future with renewed determination. Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism. We will not let our decisions be made out of fear. We choose to live our lives in freedom.

Lorne Michaels: On behalf of everyone here, I just want to thank you all for being here tonight, especially you, sir.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you, Lorne. Thank you very much. Having our city’s institutions up and running sends a message that New York City is open for business. “Saturday Night Live” is one of our great New York City institutions, and that’s why it’s important for you to do your show tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Can we be funny?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Why start now? “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

World Wrestling Entertainment Just two days after 9/11 Vincent Kennedy McMahon and then WWF Smackdown went back on the air. It was a seemingly small gesture with one caveat. Smackdown was filmed in front of a huge packed arena in Houston, Texas. Vince’s gang of Superstars was the first live event in an arena following 9/11.  It’s worth remembering how courageous every day life was right after 9/11. Even doing something as seemingly silly as attending a live wrestling show took courage only two days after the attacks.

To their credit, the WWE since 2001 has been awarded the first ever Corporate Patriot Award for it’s continued ongoing support of the U.S. Military and their families. To this day the WWE offers free tickets to US Military personnel to it’s live events. In addition, the WWE has held a Tribute to the Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan at Christmas since 2003. Superstars large and small have traveled to the front lines to perform for the troops over the holidays and throughout the year.

My Neighbor John – Defending “His” Country

Our neighbor John was part of the reserves during 9/11. He and his wife have three kids and were living paycheck to paycheck like a lot of Americans today. When the war in Iraq began in 2003 John was called up to active duty. As a veteran of the gulf war his experience was valuable. Within a few months he was deployed to Iraq. Unfortunately his family wasn’t in a great position financially. His wife had been working nights, and he had been working days. This left one of them always home with the 3 kids. With John away from home, his wife had no choice but to quit working. Their extended family was in Florida and there was simply no way around it.

To compound matters it took a few months for the military to get his first paycheck stateside. By that point things had fallen apart. Within a year they had to sell the house and his wife and kids moved back to Florida. I saw John when he was granted leave to attend his mother’s funeral. She died while he was in Iraq. He had easily lost 30 pounds from his thirty something domestic life physique. He never once complained. Not about his situation at home or being in Iraq.

I also have to mention that John was an immigrant. He was an immigrant that came here and was willing to fight for “his country”. Twice, as a matter of fact. First in the Gulf War and again in Operation Iraqi Freedom. It bothers me to this day when “immigrant” is thrown around as a dirty word. If you mean illegal aliens, say it. An immigrant is something totally different and in this case someone to respect. I honestly don’t know what became of him after his family moved to Florida. He was still serving at the time when they moved. All I can say is “thank you wherever you are”.

Flight 93 – “Let’s Roll”

To me no story embraced American defiance in the face of an enemy more than that of the passengers of Flight 93. These were normal husbands, wives, brothers and sisters no different from most Americans. On 9/11 they did something so extraordinary that I truly hope it is never forgotten in American history. They fought back.

It sounds so simple. While the rest of the country was in total disarray and the military had jets scrambling over the Atlantic by mistake these 44 people found the courage to fight back. Knowing that the plane would likely be used to attack another target, they took the risk and attempted to regain control of the cockpit. The plane crashed near Shanksville, PA. We may never know what the intended target was for Flight 93. It’s been speculated that it was the White House or the Capitol. What we do know is that Todd Beamer and the other passengers made it a moot point with their courage. May they never be forgotten.

America Today

As I stated earlier much has changed in the last 9 years. George Bush’s 90% approval rating in the weeks after 9/11 sure did. As did the universal respect for Rudy Giuliani. Some tremendous positives did come about as a result though and that’s a true testament to the American people. Unfortunately, there is still much work to be done to counter fear and ignorance with knowledge.

InfidelNation – Prior to 9/11 there certainly wouldn’t have been an Infidel Nation. Over the past 11 months the site has allowed Bumble the angry Persian cat to do what he does best. Make people laugh. Writing from the perspective of an angry Persian cat in America has given tremendous flexibility and artistic license, as well as some interesting takes on current events, pop culture and life. Humor is universal and frankly “funny” transcends religious and political affiliations. No doubt the character of Bumble wouldn’t be what he is today had he been born before 9/11. Many would argue that this is not a good thing at all. Bumble and I disagree.

Supporting Our Troops – Regardless of where pundits, people and politicians stand on Iraq and Afghanistan there is a well deserved respect for the men and women of the armed services today. Nobody would dare blame the soldiers for what may be an unjust or failing war. In that regard we have made tremendous progress since Vietnam. Finally Americans have realized you can still support the troops even if you oppose the war.

Respect for Firefighters and Police – Certainly 9/11 was a huge eye opener for most of America as to just what being a firefighter or police officer means. Though they always deserved our respect and admiration, it was only after 9/11 that most people began to give it to them. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make people remember just how special some people are. In this case let’s hope we never forget the Firefighters and Police that still serve every day and do their best to keep American’s safe. I doubt we will for quite some time.

Zaytuna College in Berkely, CA The first ever Muslim college in the United States founded in 2009. Their motto is “Where Islam meets America”. This type of institution undoubtedly couldn’t have been launched in 2002. I know the initial reaction is probably one of mixed emotions, but it’s important to remember a few things. Catholic institutions like Villanova University, Notre Dame, Loyola Marymount and countless others are also faith based institutes of higher learning. So are Oral Roberts university, BYU and for that matter Yeshiva University in NY.

Yeshiva is similar to Zaytuna in that it is a liberal arts college in which students undertake classes in religious studies as well as liberal arts. That’s where the differences come in. Zaytuna College will attempt to merge liberal arts with religious learning only from an Islamic rather than Jewish faith base. Is Zaytuna College a good thing? Time will tell, but I think so. Zaytuna’s goal is to produce American Islamic scholars, since most Islamic scholars are produced abroad and naturally have a cultural perspective foreign to America. According to Imam Zaid Shakir, “We want to manifest Islam in a way that’s compatible with America”. At a minimum this institution deserves a chance at accreditation like any other. Hopefully it is a step towards a better understanding of Muslims here in America as well as abroad.

Islamaphobia Initially our ignorance was mixed with rage over the attacks. It was all too easy to lump Muslims all into the same small fringe group represented by Osama bin Laden. There really is no excuse for that 9 years later, and yet it still happens at an alarming rate. Pundits and politicians continue to use fear of the lunatic fringe to push their own agenda. For these fear mongers typical vision of a Muslim is portrayed as a crazed Arab with a turban and AK-47.

The truth is that there are 1.57 billion Muslims in the world today. To put this in perspective, there are 300 million Americans. The Muslim populations of  India and Indonesia combined are more than 300 million people. India is only 13% Muslim. Any way you slice it there are more Muslims in the world today than Americans, which of course is discounting the obvious fact that some Americans are Muslims too!

Less than 15% of Muslims are Arab, and the Anti-West fundamentalists are a tiny fringe group of fanatics within that 15%. Al Qaeda is a very real threat, no debate there. However, to say they are in any way representative of Muslims in general is absurd. Islam itself is largely fragmented into secular groups just like Christianity. There are Sunni and Shiite Muslims which are as different as Mormons and Catholics. There are repercussions in our own culture of failing to grasp the basics about Islam vs. TerrorIslam. We certainly can see it in the recent Islamophobia in the news regarding the proposed “Mosque at Ground Zero”.

The Mosque at Ground Zero I’ve seen reported “news” articles claiming everything from a victory mosque being built to Barrack Obama will worship there. The facts are a little less spectacular. There is currently a proposition to open a $100 million dollar Islamic Community Center 2 blocks from where the World Trade Center stood. The Community Center would include a prayer room.

First, it’s not at Ground Zero. Ground Zero isn’t even visible from the proposed site of the Cordoba House. It also is not a Mosque. It seems like opponents immediately wanted to paint a picture of the Dome of the Rock sitting at the foot of the Freedom Tower/One World Trade Center. That’s not quite right. It’s a proposed community center with a prayer room 2 blocks away.

Obama also didn’t say they should build it (nor that he would worship there). He did say that…

“Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances,” he said. “This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable.”

He is correct. It’s private property and the owners can do what they want with it provided they have the permits. Ground Zero is the closest thing we have to sacred ground in the 21st century though. So it is totally understandable that this would be an emotional issue if it were a Mosque going where the Twin Towers once stood. To be accurate, that simply isn’t what was proposed. Nor is there any legal justification to stop it.

This is a huge hot button topic for one reason, mid term elections. Again, we see politics and pundits using Islamophobia to push their own agenda and tear down the other party.  That’s not to say it isn’t a truly emotional issue for New Yorkers. Unfortunately, that real emotion is being manipulated and exploited for political rhetoric. The question remains, should it be allowed to be built there?

I guess that is the real litmus test for how far we have come since 2001. So far more than half of New Yorkers oppose a Mosque at Ground Zero. Though I have to wonder if that poll explained it was a 13 story cultural center in the old Burlington Coat Factory building two blocks away. This particular issue will take months to reach resolution and by then the debate will have mucked up many an elected official. In reality it’s a moot point. We live in a country that tolerates freedom of religion. A group of Muslims bought the property and can build whatever they want there. Freedom of religion can’t just mean all religions except Islam.

For myself I would like to see one simple monument somewhere at the base of One World Trade Center or at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum. I’d like to see a  statue of one of the most inspiring photos taken during that tragic day when it seemed time stood still.

Ground Zero Statue?

I’d love to hear your comments and memories of 9/11 as well as how you think America has changed since. Please feel free to leave comments. Though the form does ask for an email address, it is not required.

I am so disappointed in you young ladies!

Lately Bumble has noticed there are quite a few shows on TV about New Jersey females. What gives? What makes the women of New Jersey so compelling? Is it that they are orange? Perhaps. Is it their flair for flair? Maybe. Is it that they are all red blooded American whores? You betcha!

Just when did this fascination with fake orange breasts begin? Bumble can trace it’s roots back to Carmella, Adriana, and Meadow. Since the end of The Sopranos at least 4 “reality” shows featuring New Jersey bimbettes have graced the airwaves. Carmella never would have stood for this! She represented all that was good about the female New Jersey elite. Carmella was a good Catholic, turned a blind eye to her husbands ahem affairs, and supported the economy with a plethora of black and gold credit cards.

Somehow all that was good about New Jersey wives in the Sopranos was lost in translation when applied to Reality TV. Networks instead have chosen to highlight the unwilling matriarch’s worst qualities (bad skin, worse wardrobe) and added a dash of whore (pronounced HOAR). So today we are blessed with at least 4 reality shows featuring badly dressed blinged out MILFS and bad girls. America (and sadly the world thanks to satellite TV) is left with the impression that all New Jersey women are hussies.

Bumble knows what you are thinking… “Not every woman in New Jersey is like that!”

Bumble disagrees. Bumble has been to New Jersey and  god bless them but they are the sluts of the east coast.

Besides if it’s on TV and it’s called “Reality” then this must really be what New Jersey is like. Don’t believe Bumble? Let’s take a look at the women of the real New Jersey…

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Bravo

Jersylicious- The Style Network

Jersey Couture – Oxygen

Jersey Shore – MTV

In the interest of “Full Disclosure”, Bumble has never actually watched any of these shows. Even so, one can gauge the slutiness from the commercials and simply flipping by them on the tube. Just a cursory glance and you will undoubtedly see a bimbo on any of these shows.

So given this is reality TV, and if it’s on TV it must be true… well New Jersey is chock full o’sluts. Apologies to anyone that is a female in New Jersey and thinks she isn’t a whore. It’s probably just because you aren’t as slutty as your friends. Trust Bumble though, in Iowa you would be a “ho”. Nothing wrong with that! America loves you Snooki and Bumble does too.

Today a court ruled that California’s Proposition 8, banning same sex marriage was unconstitutional. The issue is hardly resolved, but it is considered a major victory for proponents of same sex marriages.

Bumble is admittedly baffled to some degree by the ongoing debate. This is primarily due to Bumble’s overall bewilderment with marriage in general. It seems to be a uniquely human concept that Bumble just can’t get behind. Sheesh, did that sound gay? Marriage to Bumble appears to be some sort of legal contract binding one of you to do the laundry forever, and the other to be the “all time” groundskeeper. What’s worse, you may only enter this compact on condition that you both swear to never have sex with anyone else. If you mess it up, you lose half your stuff. My god! Why would anyone do that in the first place?? There are laundromats, landscapers, and hookers. In other words, there is an easier way to get your laundry done, lawn mowed, and um lawn mowed.

Fortunately, Bumble doesn’t have to understand the concept to identify the winners and losers in today’s landmark ruling.

Winners:

Fox News:

Well this ongoing debate is easy “editorial” fodder for months. Already interns are frantically trying to find 3 experts on gayness for Bill O’Reilly to yell at. In reality, anything like this can be misrepresented loudly as fact by pundits. Sadly, Fox is the Fear Factor of news. It’s only a matter of days before Hannity or O’Reilly drub up some crazy senario where the whole thing is a liberal media conspiracy perpetrated by Rachel Maddow and the Red Hat Society. Whatever they come up with, it should be entertaining.

Rachel Maddow: Hopefully she will get blamed by Big Poppa and the Fox henchman for Prop 8 being overruled. Bumble thinks she would take that as a great compliment and really like the attention. That kind of publicity might even allow her show’s ratings to finally beat Deadliest Catch. On the other hand, Rachel is now a step closer to having the right to be married. Oh wait, she lives in Massachusetts and already could have been married to her long time partner. Hmmmmm perhaps she is secretly with Bumble on the whole laundromats, landscapers and hookers philosophy.

Divorce Attorneys: Their potential client base at least in California has doubled. Ching, Ching. Congratulations gay Californians, you now have the right to pay a lawyer to determine who gets the Celine Dion box set after your next breakup.

Losers:

California gays and lesbians in a serious relationship but who have a fear of commitment: Yeah, you are screwed. The convenient excuse of “I would love to marry you hunnie, but sad to say it’s not possible” has just been removed. Talk about pressure. What’s the acceptable window before these people have to propose or start getting ultimatums?

Mel Gibson: Nothing to do with same sex marriage but any losers list really has to include him at this point.

Protesters of Same Sex Marriage: Yes the court’s decision is a blow hehe, but with protests like these Bumble is not surprised.

Nobody was even debating that! Bad protester!

That isn't much of a disguise and he still infiltrated your protest! Ha!

Man with sign, you are now an honorary infidel. Congrats!

In conclusion, if humans are going to support this insane institution it might as well be equally available to all kinds of crazy people. Frankly Bumble doesn’t see all the hub bub about gay marriage anyway. If you think homosexuality is wrong the surest way to kill it is to allow gays to get married. If their marriages are like straight marriages it will nearly assure that they stop having sex.

Feedback:

This was a good reply on Facebook and we thought we would share it here.

ok Bumble you are a big conspiracy type thinker.. what about this one. That the insurance companies, car, health, ect and the government would loose the extra money that …the “Gays” have to pay for separate policy’s and Separate tax’s. 2 health insurances , 2 life insurances, 2 car insurances.. no multi family member discounts here. And tax’s if your mommy and daddy had to pay 2 single tax’s rather than 1 married tax. They might not be able to help you keep your hosting account.. just thoughts to ponder.

BTW
..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior

CAT is on the list

Well, obviously that hub bub! Bumble actually meant he didn’t see why anyone would care to limit membership in this silly club. In retrospect the wording was open to interpretation and could seem ignorant. If there is one thing Infidel Nation doesn’t represent it is ignorance. =)

These are all really good reasons to allow gay marriage, and for the record Bumble agrees with you. Not allowing it is discriminatory and unconstitutional. Regardless of sexual orientation everyone should have access to the same benefits and drawbacks of married life. The benefits are pretty well stated above. If you want to save money on insurance and have your relationship recognized all for the low price of monogamy, involving lawyers in your break ups, and two sets of obligatory family functions every year you certainly should be allowed to roll the dice too.

Bumble’s point is more that marriage in general is a 50/50 proposition. The good marriages end in death! Are you sure you want to join? Perhaps marriage in general should be banned because it is a losing gamble for half the people that try it. Hey, maybe gay marriages will be more successful than 50% ending in divorce. Now that would be a real kick in the butt to the right wing family values preachers.

As to your link, yes some cats are gay. They are still not dumb enough to get married! Cats mate with any cat that is in heat, thus enabling them to walk away without cuddling and populate the earth with litters of bastard kittens. Sorry, cats are still smarter than humans.

Arrrrrrgh we still losing?

With the 2010 MLB Trade Deadline having just passed, it’s apparent that the poor Pirates will not improve today. Sure they made a deal, but so what? Unfortunately it won’t help this year, as the Pirates are again in the throws of yet another 5 year rebuilding plan.

In fact, the beleaguered Buccos haven’t had a winning season in nearly two decades. That’s right! The Pirates haven’t had a winning season since 1992. That’s 17 consecutive losing seasons, with an 18th nearing completion. Sadly, this is a record for North American professional sports franchises.

No hockey, baseball, football or basketball team has consistently sucked this bad for this long in recent decades. That’s an unbelievable accomplishment considering there are teams out there like the Detroit Lions, L.A. Clippers, and Kansas City Royals. Only time will tell if the Cleveland Cavaliers follow a similar fate in the post Lebron years to the Pirate’s post Bonds decades. No fear though, the Pirates have an 18 year head start so it’s unlikely the Cavs can catch them.

That being said, who is to blame? Is it the fact the Pirates play in a football city? Is it that a small market simply can’t compete due to financial issues? Is it simply bad management? Yes! All of the above.

Today at 4 pm was the MLB trade deadline. Trades can be made after that of course, but players have to clear waivers. The end result is that anyone in the playoff hunt was desperate to improve today, and consequently eager to deal!

If the Pirates were to truly improve here is the deal that needed to happen. If only we had seen this headline…

PIRATES TRADE GENERAL MANAGER NEAL HUNTINGTON FOR A BROKEN HOT DOG MACHINE!

7.31.2010 Ass. Press 4:11 PM

Wow, they got something for him!

Sources close to insanity report that the Pittsburgh Pirates agreed in principal to a trade of General Manager Neal Huntington to the Milwaukee Brewers for a broken Hot Dog Machine and cash considerations.

Asked about the move, Pirates management pointed to the excellent future potential of the Hot Dog Machine. An imaginary representative stated, “Given our position we felt this was a good move to improve our organization from a culinary and financial perspective. Neal did a great job for us making sure we had a good young group of players while still ensuring that our record streak would continue unabated for at least several more years. The Hot Dog Machine will also give us greater salary cap flexibility moving forward.” Management also stated that the loss of Huntington from a strategy perspective would easily be offset if the Hot Dog Machine was fixed.

Don't eat the new GM's buns!

Initial reaction indicates the Pirates were a clear winner in this deal, but as with all deadline deals only time will tell.

The Hot Dog Machine is under warranty until 2011 when it can become an unrestricted free agent. Huntington will have to clear waivers. The Hot Dog Machine is being FedEx’d to AAA Indianapolis where it will report Monday for a rehab assignment.

With the recent rash of horrible, hateful, Mel Gibson audio clips regarding his wife Bumble thought it was time to act. In a totally selfless gesture, Bumble reached out to Mr. Gibson in an attempt to introduce him to the patient way of Islam and curb his rage.

Sadly, it did not go well. Let’s take a look at the video tape…

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Love will certainly be confusing early this week! Love planet Venus is extraordinarily fickle on Tuesday. First you’ll want freedom in your romantic arena. Once it’s yours, you’ll fall passionately in love with an admirer. Mixed signals predominate as the Moon in indecisive Libra is square underhanded Pluto on Friday. Don’t take people at face value. Watch for hidden agendas, especially on the job. Surprises abound when the Moon is quincunx erratic Uranus on Sunday. Expect the unexpected to occur.

Ooooh Horoscopes.com took some real risks this week. “Love will be confusing” – when isn’t it?? “Don’t take people at face value.” – duh. Finally, “Watch for hidden agendas, especially on the job.” That’s the only kind of agendas on the job! Sheesh, not much for Bumble to work with this week, as these are even more vague than usual. Fear not! Bumble will sort it out for you.

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope: You’re a thrill seeker, Aries. As an impulsive Ram, you often look for activities that will kick up your adrenaline. On Monday your urge for excitement will propel you to the danger zone. Exercise caution! On Friday you may feel befuddled. The Moon in your zone of daily activities opposes hazy Neptune, adding confusion to your regular routine. You may get lost walking around the house.

Horrorscope: On Monday you will give way to impulse and decide to post an idea for how to fix the Gulf Oil Disaster on bp’s website. Though your idea is completely ridiculous, and primarily involves plugging the hole with Justin Bieber and his fans; you are surprised to hear back within minutes from a top BP executive.

By midweek you will be rushed to Houston for a “rapid orientation” with top BP representatives.  They consider your orientation complete once you are befuddled, confused in your regular routine, and able to get lost walking around your own house. Welcome to team British Petroleum!

Bumble suggests the next time you feel like being impulsive you do something less harmful to you in the long term. Like having unprotected sex with a gang of IV drug users on a structurally unsound diving board above a pool full of crocodiles.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Hold steady, Taurus! This week you need to keep on an even keel. Yes, you’ll have challenges to face. On Tuesday you’ll need to call on your fortitude. Your ruler Venus is trine potent Pluto and you’ll have an abundance of powerful energy at your disposal. Persistence pays off on Friday. Plug along until you reach your objective. Follow your instincts on Saturday. It isn’t the time to let logic lead the way. Instead, rely on your inner voice.

Horrorscope: Obviously, you already work for British Petroleum. Trying to keep on an even keel proves difficult in oil sodden ocean water. After many challenges you will realize that BILLIONS of dollars are waiting for you to come up with a viable solution that doesn’t involve Justin Bieber and his fans. Keep “plugging” along until you reach your objective. The world depends on it! On Saturday you will cast logic aside (when did you have logic on your side anyway??) and go with gut instinct and make a viable suggestion. Sadly even BP employees can be fired when they suggest plugging the well with BP executives.

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: You have the ability to visualize your goals. Your ruler is mental Mercury and you possess the gift of clear thinking. You’ll receive a burst of insight on Monday when the Moon is conjunct Mercury. You’ll understand how to achieve your objective in a certain situation. Stay away from difficult people on Wednesday. You’ll encounter someone who goes out of his or her way to provoke you. Honesty matters on Sunday. Admit to a loved one you made a mistake.

Horrorscope: Obviously, you do NOT work for BP. Given an ability to visualize your goals, and being blessed with the gift of clear thinking would make you a rare bird at BP. Monday you will be given a burst of insight – “You would be a rare bird at BP”. That’s it, Bumble gave you the insight. Now go and apply for a job as CEO at British Petroleum! After receiving the job and a generous signing bonus, you undergo the “rapid orientation” on Thursday. By Sunday you need to tell your spouse that signing a deal with the devil was a horrible error in judgment. Not to worry, the average career span for your position is less than one Horrorscope cycle. By next week it will be like this never even happened.

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: You’ll need to step out of your comfort zone this week. On Monday the Moon in Cancer is quincunx hazy Neptune. You’ll have to go the distance to set matters right in a complicated matter. Your sense of positive well-being will rise on Wednesday. As your spirits improve, physical ailments will start to evaporate. On Sunday you’ll need to step back and let a family member make his or her own choices. It’s time to let go in this situation.

Horrorscope: Though a Cancer you are also likely an oil covered Brown Pelican living in the Gulf Coast. After several meetings with workers just making chit chat you will suggest plugging the hole with BP executives! One in particular will listen to you at his own peril. Wednesday the now unemployed BP worker will take you home with him and clean you up. You start to begin feeling better once the crude is removed from your feathers. This process is time consuming, but your new buddy is unemployed and has a huge severance package to invest in your care. Congrats! You are one of the lucky ones. Now, can you convince your family to join you?

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: Get ready for a major revelation on Monday. You’ll realize you aren’t living life in a way that makes you happy. It’s time to create the lifestyle that suits you. Exasperation will be your main mood on Tuesday. You’ll have a hard time making a choice in a certain situation. Be prepared to experience frustration as you wrestle with your decision. You’ll give a friend one last chance to make amends when the Moon sextiles Mercury in Leo on Saturday.

Horrorscope: And now everyone’s favorite lion, the confused and ever submissive Leo. This week a major revelation! You finally realize that being buggered by cosmic tarts is no way for a big cat to behave! Congratulations! It’s time to create a new lifestyle that suits you. Start acting like a cat! Go ahead, give that friend one last chance to make amends. But if he or she tries to sextile your moon, maul them! Bumble would!

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

Persistence is one of your best traits, Virgo. Your resourcefulness will come in handy on Wednesday. The Moon in Virgo is quincunx erratic Uranus and an aspect of your life will change without warning. Remember, you can always make lemonade out of lemons. You’ll dig out your detective hat on Friday. You’ll need to poke around for the truth in a certain situation. On Sunday you’ll have to take charge in a matter of great importance. Access your personal power.

Horrorscope: Uh oh, an aspect of your life will change without warning! And this on the heels of being bitten by an obsessed vampire wannabe last week! Whatever could it be? Bumble suspects blood lust! Yes, you can make lemonade out of lemons but you can’t make blood out of tomato juice. Unfortunately you are now one of the walking undead. It was bound to happen as a frequent visitor to infidel nation. In any case, the stars predict that if you put on your “detective hat” you’ll find a truth and Sunday you will take charge in a matter of great importance. Bumble suspects the great truth is that you are a rube. Even naive enough to believe when a cat suggests you have become nosferatu. =)

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: You usually go out of your way to cooperate with others. After all, congenial Venus is your ruling planet! On Tuesday Venus is quincunx excessive Jupiter and you’ll stop being so accommodating to others. You’ll go off in search of peace and quiet on Friday. You thrive on harmony. Feel free to remove yourself from chaos. Guidance may be in short supply on Sunday. You’ll need to rely on your personal resources. It’s time to make your own life decisions.

Horrorscope: Last week Bumble suggested you quit your job and find something more lucrative. He did NOT say to go work for BP!!! What is wrong with you? “Feel free to remove yourself from chaos” – get the heck out of that company! They are going down like a girlfriend trying to become a fiance! “It’s time to make your own life decisions” – For gods sakes don’t actually let Bumble effect your life, particularly if it ends up with stupid decisions like choosing to work for British Petroleum!

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: You have a lot of inner strength, but of course you’re still human! On Wednesday you might experience a lot of stress. Try to rest and relax. An associate will be up to no good on Friday. The Moon is square your ruling planet Pluto and you’ll tangle with someone who isn’t on your side. Keep a lid on all personal matters when this person is around. On Sunday you’ll feel restless. Find ways to burn off excess energy.

Horrorscope: Well it appears you went ahead with your hell bent desire to pursue higher education. What did you do? Did you sign up for an engineering class at University of Phoenix online? Be very careful now! Even enrolling in an engineering class can lead to aggressive cold calls from headhunters at BP. “You have a lot of inner strength” – not enough to survive “rapid orientation”, trust Bumble for once. “Find ways to burn off excess energy” – NO! That does not mean you should literally find ways to burn oil off of water and go work for BP. Buy P-90x or a shakeweight or something. Do NOT pick up the phone when BP calls, and for heavens sakes drop out of your online class.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You always say what’s on your mind, Sagittarius. You’re very blunt! On Monday you’ll need to be diplomatic when talking to a close associate. Be careful about making a promise to a friend on Friday. The Moon in your zone of friendship opposes extravagant Jupiter and you’ll be unable to fulfill your pledge. On Sunday an issue you don’t want to deal with will pop up. You won’t be able to sweep this matter under the rug.

Horrorscope: Bumble suspects you work in the PR department of a certain battered and beaten oil company. Why you ask? Well … “you’ll be unable to fulfill your pledge”, “an issue you don’t want to deal with will pop up”, “you won’t be able to sweep this matter under the rug”. It is amazing how many people work for BP! It’s also amazing how the horoscopes this week are overtly loaded with the current events. Oh well, these horoscopes were pretty weak to be honest. Check back next week when you will probably be getting buggered by a Lion or something.

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: Change is hard for you. However, now that Pluto is in Capricorn, you’re walking on the road of transformation. On Tuesday you’ll make a life-altering decision. You may have an “oops” moment on Friday. The Moon opposes unpredictable Uranus in your home zone, and you’ll need to be especially careful around the house. Watch your step! You’ll be ready to pamper yourself this weekend. Remember, you have the right to indulge yourself occasionally. Devote time to your own needs.

Horrorscope: This doesn’t sound good. You will have an oops moment with your moon being opposed by your unpredictable anus. Sounds like the stress is getting to you. Do you work at BP too? Is there anyone that doesn’t work there? Not this week as Bumble is now on full blown BP rant. Hey, the irony is that at least SOME people DO work for BP and are bound to read these. “Remember, you have the right to indulge yourself occasionally. Devote time to your own needs.” – Last week weren’t you so worked up from seeing Eclipse that you uh already did indulge yourself? The stars say occasionally, let’s not get chronic about “our own needs”.

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: You can usually see an argument from your opponent’s point of view. However, Venus is quincunx Jupiter in your zone of communication on Tuesday and you’ll be at odds with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs. Keep the big picture in sight on Friday. Ask yourself what you truly hope to accomplish in a certain matter. If you aren’t sure, it may be time to cease action until you know the answer. Your thoughts will be extremely scattered on Sunday.

Horrorscope: Quote from last week “Colleagues will be even dumber than usual. As frustrating as it is when you are surrounded by idiots, it does ensure that you will always stand out for being smart.” Bumble really should have seen that as a sign of where you worked. Need Bumble even say it?

“Tuesday you will be at odds with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs” – Someone will suggest plugging the oil well with Justin Bieber. You will point out that though he is a VP, the physics do not make this a viable solution. Using a white board you will demonstrate that the pressure at 5,000 feet would crush Beiber into a small (though even cuter) ball and shoot him back to the surface.

Friday you will remember to keep the big picture in sight. The big picture for you is that you need to stay at that company if for no other reason than to have at least one sane brain in the house. Concede on the Bieber idea. What the heck, it may not work but what bad can come of it.

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Don’t listen to advice from others this week. On Wednesday you’ll need to rely on yourself when making life choices. Unfinished business from the past may pop up on Friday. The Moon is quincunx your ruling planet, escapist Neptune, and you’ll have to deal with an issue you thought was put to rest. You could be in denial regarding this situation. Check to make sure you have the real scoop before confronting a friend on Sunday. Remember, gossip is unreliable!

Horrorscope: <Stunned silence> “Don’t listen to advice from others this week”??? That’s the first line of your horoscope? Bumble cannot work like this. This kind of paradox is likely to tear a hole in the very fabric of the cosmos on which horoscope writers rely! Arrrrrrrrgh.

We are just about 12 hours away from the ESPN special “The Decision” in which LeBron King James will announce who’s $100 million dollars he will accept. If only all unemployed people got that kind of attention!

Nevertheless, with the Knicks, Heat, Nets and every other NBA team making offers Bumble would be remiss if he didn’t make an 11th hour pitch for the most coveted free agent ever.

Bumble’s Offer

Bumble will offer 50% of all revenue generated from Adsense on infidelnation.com (estimated value to date $2.15). That’s right! Ground floor level profit sharing LeBron! Don’t be tied down to one market, even if it is New York.

Sure Bumble knows what you are thinking… “But Bumble you don’t even have an NBA franchise!”.

Neither does New Jersey!

If LeBron signed on to play basketball for Team Bumble you can bet David Stern would let us in the league. Bumble and LeBron could easily find 3 stiffs to put around him and field a competitive squad.

Must have on any Bumble roster!

Bumble knows what you are thinking again! “Bumble, you need 5 players for a team!”. Yes, yes Bumble knows! One spot is reserved for Ali Farokhmanesh. That’s non-negotiable.

You again- “But Bumble where would you even play?”. Well for starters LeBron has a lot of sponsorship deals. Those companies can’t let LeBron go without an arena! Nike surely would build us one. Dare we dream… “The Bumbledome!”.

So you see, there is no reason Bumble cannot sign LeBron. The rest will work itself out. So Mr. King as you spend your Thursday with close advisers and friends, Bumble leaves you to ponder this question…

Who better to form a dynamic duo in marketing and basketball than King James and the Sultan of Social Media, Bumble?

We await contact from your agent!

As a recovering FarmVille addict, Bumble realizes it is a fine line between a casual player and a full blown Farmaholic. Unfortunately with the release of FrontierVille it has become clear that the makers of FarmVille (Zynga) intended all along for it to be a gateway drug.  Once addicted it becomes very difficult to be objective about your own condition. Bumble recalls thinking many times “Bumble will stop once he has Mastered Strawberries!”. Unfortunately, it was much, much more difficult than that.

Sadly, that isn’t even all the signs. Bumble had some others stuffed in barns to make room for crops. For Bumble, the most addictive part of FarmVille was Mastering Crops and accumulating the signs. For others it may be a different hook.

Regardless of what it is that has made you a Farmaholic, Bumble want’s to help you! In the days and weeks ahead Bumble will be posting some tips on how to quit playing FarmVille.

The first step is to identify just how severe your FarmVille addiction has become. In order to ease you into this with as little fear as possible Bumble will use a familiar format.

Level 1 – Social Farmer! If any three are true you are a Social Farmer.

• You have at least one friend on Facebook that you only interact with through FarmVille.
• You have mastered between 1-5 crops.
• You occasionally plan your schedule around harvest time.
• You once were almost late to work to finish harvesting or planting.
• You have made your first Million in FarmVille.
• You are not embarrassed to share your FarmVille accomplishments on Facebook anymore.
• You’ve considered buying FarmVille Cash to speed things along.

Level 2 - FarmVille Addict! If any three are true you are a full on addict.

• You have multiple FarmVille only friends on Facebook.
• You have mastered 6-10 Crops
• You own a Mansion, Silo Home,  or Villa.
• You have been late for work or school because you were harvesting!
• Your friends don’t even interact with you on Facebook anymore.
• You have bought FarmVille Cash, but just once or twice to see what it was like.
• You now have some FarmVille clothing, T-shirts or other merchandise.
• You plan your crops around your work schedule.

Level 3 - Farmville Farmaholic! If any three are true you are a Farmaholic!

• You have made fake Facebook accounts so you could add extra neighbors in FarmVille. Probably to get the Mighty Plantation.
• You’ve mastered just about every crop. In fact FarmVille is making new crops just for you (and other level 65 and up Farmaholics).
• You own all of the buildings and even the new $5,000,000 Mansion only for level 65 and up.
• You got in trouble and or fired from work for playing FarmVille on company time or being constantly late due to harvest conflicts!
• You don’t even bother with Facebook anymore and go right to Farmville.com to play. Who needs all the distractions of people trying to talk to you?
• You have maxed out a credit card buying FarmVille Cash!
• Most of your wardrobe has sheep or cows on it now.
• You plan your life (what’s left of it) around FarmVille.
• Your spouse may have left you. You aren’t sure but they haven’t come in to check on you lately.

It’s up to you to be honest and judge where you lie in the spectrum. Bumble sincerely hopes nobody has lost a job over FarmVille, but it is quite likely to happen sooner or later. Regardless of your level of addiction, you too can quit farming. Bumble did it! It’s been 3 months of no farming.

Was it easy to stop? Yes! Bumble has several fool proof methods to quitting FarmVille. Try them all if you have to, but with Bumble’s help you too can be FarmVille free!

Tune in later in the week for method one on quitting FarmVille.

Quitting FarmVille the Watermelon Way!

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Uranus turns retrograde on Monday in Aries, which brings this powerful evolutionary force into the inner domain. You get the opportunity to liberate yourself from oppressive inner patterns. Mercury moves into Leo, which brings a dramatic flourish to all your communications. Venus moves into Virgo, which can coincide with compulsive cleanliness and a desire to be as perfect as possible. The Solar Eclipse in Cancer at the end of the week is a chance for a fresh start.

Aries will have a retrograde anus on Monday. Bumble told you not to eat potato salad that had been in the sun all day. More unsurprising news, someone else enters Leo!

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope: You may have been active in the world and blasting away obstacles to your wildest dreams. But from this week, you’ll want to turn the spotlight on your inner world, specifically those areas in which you’ve been holding yourself hostage. It’s time to aim for liberation. From Friday you’ll be full of creative ideas, so make use of them. The Eclipse on Sunday encourages you to make changes at home. One in particular may be long overdue.

Horrorscope: Yes indeed, turn the spotlight on your inner world. particularly you may want to get rid of whatever nasty parasite you caught at the picnic on the 4th. Bumble suspects you will spend a lot of time on the thrown early this week. Bumble is not one to say he told you so. Actually, in the horoscope game one kind of has to do that. So Bumble told you so! But no… you had to eat the potato salad. As Uranus goes retrograde on you, sit and contemplate the dangers of not heeding your Horrorscope next time. Friday you’ll be inspired with some creativity. Bumble imagines it is a new type of softer toilet paper.

After seeing Twilight – Eclipse you will realize what a waste of time those books and movies have been. You will finally take the Taylor Lautner poster down from above your bed.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Your best ideas come naturally and instinctively. This week you may see the light as a Solar Eclipse in Cancer and your communication zone helps you get a fresh perspective on an ongoing problem. Mercury moves into Leo and your home zone, which will help you bring a few creative flourishes to any DIY work you’ve been doing. When Venus enters Virgo, you may find yourself falling in love with an ultra-cool someone who has plenty of style!

Horrorscope: Apparently the Solar Eclipse will cause some disruptions to your wifi. You will be forced to stop Tweeting and playing Farmville for a few hours. Use this time wisely to work outside in your actual garden and leave your virtual garden alone for a few hours. The goddess of love entering the virgin will have you all hot and bothered. You will join the immeasurable multitude of followers with crushes on Bumble. Go Team Bumble!

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: As Uranus turns retrograde in Aries, so you may begin to reflect on why you attract the kind of friends you do. Not that there is anything wrong with them. Actually, they may have been very helpful lately in a madcap kind of way. Then there’s the Solar Eclipse in Cancer and your personal financial zone, which could encourage you to reorganize your financial affairs or perhaps become more proactive where your money is concerned. It just takes courage!

Horrorscope: The fact that you even know about your Aries friend’s diarrhea should make you take time to reflect on the kinds of friends you have. Maybe twitter friends are just twits after all?

Darn! You still haven’t scraped together enough money to go see the new Twilight movie, Eclipse! Be courageous and just ask your parents for $8 and a ride to the mall. What’s that? You aren’t a 13 year old girl? Then quit acting like it and stop being obsessed with those weenie movies!! You make Bumble sad!

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: Mars in Virgo is stirring up your communication zone, which may mean you have a lot more administrative tasks to attend to than usual. You’ll be more determined than ever to get in touch with old friends, brothers, and sisters. The New Moon Eclipse in your sign brings you a chance to plant new seeds. You may not have planned to make changes so soon, but it looks as though you’re going to be propelled into fresh adventures. Enjoy yourself!

Horrorscope: The New Moon Eclipse is in your sign! You should win free tickets to see the new Twilight movie! Good for you! Embrace your inner “angst ridden 13 year old girl” and go see it. Unfortunately you will need a ride and have to go with family unless you can find a Gemini that is hard up for $8. Just remember to stay Team Bumble and not get recruited onto one of those poser teams. Team Edward/Team Jacob… sheesh. Team Bumble would Jihad all over their creature feature butts.

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: There is still plenty of action in your adventure zone, but as Uranus is now turning retrograde, some of your explorations may be more philosophical or academic. You might be keen to explore patterns of belief and relinquish any that seem to be holding you back. The weeks ahead are all about taking it to the limit. Don’t allow negative blocks to prevent you from getting as much out of life as you can. The Eclipse on Sunday could bring powerful dreams.

Horrorscope: Leo, Leo, Leo! What is Bumble to do with you? Still getting action in your adventure zone with your poor retrograde anus. Sigh. “The weeks ahead will be all about taking it to the limit” – what haven’t you already done? “There can’t be much more left! The Eclipse on Sunday could bring powerful dreams” – dream all you want little hussy lion, Robert Pattinson will not add you as a friend on Facebook. You can add Bumble though which is hardly a consolation prize. :p

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

Venus joins Mars in your sign and makes you feel loved and loveable. You’re still on the rampage and keen to get ahead with plans and projects. Sometimes you might even override others’ plans in order to get your way – not obviously but subtly. The  Eclipse in your social zone brings many opportunities to move in new circles and get in with the right crowd. You may not even have a choice in this matter. Que sera, sera!

Horrorscope: The week starts out with you rededicating yourself to finishing the whole boring Stephanie Meyers series. You are always late to join the party! You’ll finally finish Eclipse in time to go see the movie. But this proves to be a bad decision! Oh no! You will actually get bitten by someone at the movie theater that is convinced he is a vampire! This will bring an opportunity to move in new circles if you are willing to avoid sunlight and die your hair black.

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: Career matters take center stage with a Solar Eclipse in Cancer. You may find that you’re pushed into a new situation where your job is concerned, whether you feel ready for it or not. This might mean getting a promotion or finally obtaining the job of your dreams. Due to issues at your job, you could decide to leave one line of work and take up another, which ultimately proves very rewarding. Your love life continues to be unpredictable.

Horrorscope: Good for you! You are apparently immune to stupid Vampire movies. Your coworkers are not. Someone will screw up and get canned for watching Eclipse clips on YouTube or passing out bootleg copies of Eclipse. This presents an opportunity to get a slightly bigger cubicle! And your guidance counselor said you couldn’t apply yourself! Rubbish! But with that cubicle comes the pressure of being adequate in another unrewarding office veal job. You should quit and get a job that is more rewarding, like bootlegging movies.

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: This is a great time to network and think about expanding your social connections. You’re certainly a lot more proactive about being seen in all the right places. Venus moves into Virgo later in the week, which makes everything very cozy. The Solar Eclipse in Cancer on Sunday rings in the changes, especially when it comes to higher education and academic studies. If you want to get a degree, this might be the time to go for it.

Horrorscope: Venus in Virgo aside, you really need to get your head out of Uranus. Last week Bumble told you not to waste your money on a higher education. You seem determined to pursue it and resist Bumble’s advice. If you can get Aries out of the crapper, ask them if ignoring your Horrorscope is a good idea. I suppose if you are going to do it, Bumble is obligated to make it as easy for you as possible. At the very least don’t over commit yourself. Sign up for one class at the University of Phoenix online and see how you do there. No sense in overdoing it.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You’re keen to make a splash in your career and you’re happy to be in the spotlight. Mars in Virgo encourages you to take action and get results creating a detailed schedule and planning ahead. The more you do this, the more successful you’ll be. Meanwhile, Jupiter and Uranus in Aries give your creative abilities a massive boost. You love to gamble and the stakes have never seemed better. Don’t blow your fortune in the wind. Take a calculated risk.

Horrorscope: Hey, we are all keen to make a splash in our careers. You think Bumble wants to write Horrorscopes for the rest of his money earning years?!? What makes you so special? Ooooh Mars is in Virgo whoop de doo! Well, go ahead and plan, you never know. It might work out. The gambling seems more likely to pay off. Break open your piggy bank and go to the casino. Once you have won enough to put your master career plan in motion (one course at U of Phoenix Online), cash out immediately. Best of luck to you, you whiny. silly, archer. “My job sucks, poor me”. We all hate our jobs buttercup. Quit looking to the stars to tell you to it’s ok to be successful.

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: The week ahead is building to a Solar Eclipse in your relationship zone, which is going to ring in the changes. This Eclipse is like a turbocharged New Moon, which will push you to take things to the next inevitable stage. If your relationship is strong, you may decide to initiate a challenging project together. If you don’t see eye to eye, you may want to separate and go it alone. Whatever the scenario, you’ll benefit further down the line.

Horrorscope: Ok Bumble swears someone at Horoscopes.com is a Stephanie Meyers fan. “This Eclipse is like a turbocharged New Moon”! It looks like you and your significant other are off to see the new film. If you haven’t yet gotten horizontal, this flick will do the trick. If you are on solid relationship ground already this will be enough to push him/her over the hump (so to speak). If not, you will both be uh ready but have to separate and “go it alone”. Hey, no shame in that. Practice makes perfect.

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: Uranus, your ruling planet, turns retrograde on Monday in your ideas zone. You may become even more aware of your intuition and your ability to simply “know” the answers to impossible questions or problems. As Mercury moves into Leo, so you and your partner may find yourselves talking and sharing your feelings more often. Make it an ongoing habit to check in with each other. The Lunar Eclipse in Cancer on Sunday could bring changes to work or health issues.

Horrorscope: Bumble really feels sorry for anyone that is ruled by Uranus. It just sounds dirty or at best like you have chronic gas. At least you are smart. Your intelligence will become even more apparent this week as at work. Colleagues will be even dumber than usual. As frustrating as it is when you are surrounded by idiots, it does ensure that you will always stand out for being smart. Or at least not drooling during meetings.

Looks like a decent week on the love front too. Of course Sunday you will see Eclipse whether you want to or not. Hey, the stars are really pushing this movie. What can ya do? Bumble isn’t sure how that could lead to health issues unless you forget to hover instead of sit in the nasty movie theater ladies room. Always hover in public, never sit!

What’s that? You are a boy? Bah, says you! No self respecting non-neutered male would go see Eclipse (unless there was the promise of some nookie in it).

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Venus may help soothe any ruffled feathers in terms of your love life and other associations. Any criticisms may be countered by a determination to meet each other half way. The Solar Eclipse on Sunday takes place in your creative zone and could bring opportunities to make better use of your creative skills. Perhaps you could create a business that’s based on any artistic talents you might have. If you fall in love, don’t commit until the following week.

Horrorscope: Finally you have come off your high horse. No talk of saving the world this week anyway. You will be inspired by your movie going to turn capitalist pig and turn your creative powers to the dark side of making money. What ever happened to that cute little altruistic guppy from the last few weeks? Bumble metaphorically ate it! Stupid altruism. Use your artistic talents for business. Create some cool T-Shirt designs for Bumble or something. It pays nothing! Oh where is your bent for charitable contributions now?? Bumble asks for something and its all about the money!

“If you fall in love, don’t commit until the following week” – Well it’s always sound advice to make them wait and want it a little. But don’t hold out too long. There are tons of hornball vampire freaks out there waiting to pounce on your new love. Better at least offer a little somethin somethin before you get eclipsed by a goth whore.

Corn on the 4th of July!

Today is the 4th of July! Bumble hates it! Bumble is not allowed outside on the 4th because of the high ratio of M-80′s to drunk cat haters. It seems like a weird holiday to Bumble. Humans get drunk at noon, eat undercooked clams and then blow stuff up. After dark the now gassy, dehydrated humans assemble in big groups to watch fireworks.

Bumble decided to investigate the history behind this strange tradition. Now, Bumble is what you would call home schooled. That is, he is a cat and therefore not allowed to attend school. Basically the only information available to Bumble is from the internet or The History Channel. Frankly Bumble doesn’t see why we even need schools anymore. Bumble does just fine with Wikipedia and getting his news from The Colbert Report.

Bumble just wanted to warn you that many of these facts may be common knowledge to people that do attend schools. But for Bumble most of this is new and revolutionary! Here is what Bumble found out.

Did you know?

Americans (the fat ones today) were not the first people to live here! Shocking. Apparently there were some people from India here first. That explains all the 7-11′s. They must be the remaining descendents of the original “Americans”, and explains our need to celebrate the 4th with poorly cooked hot dogs.

About 500 years ago white people from Europe started to come here in ships! Again, Bumble was a little surprised. That seems like a long way to go in a boat for a Slushie. If you wanted a Slushie that bad at least book a flight.

The Indians were not very happy when the white people arrived and there were big wars. Wow, that seems like even worse customer service than you get in a 7-11 today. What were those Indians thinking opening 7-11′s five hundred years ago and then not wanting to serve white Europeans?

Who let Texas join?!?

About 200 years ago “America” was only 13 of the current states. Texas wasn’t yet part of it. Why the heck did we ever let them join?! Bumble cannot believe at some point the 13 colonies were saying “we need to add some slow speaking people that think High School Football is a religion”. Obviously they were only allowed to join because they had oil. Death to you Texans!!!

Anyway, the 13 colonies were made up of a hodge podge of people from Europe. And just who ruled them? A British Monarch! Really!

Admittedly this is where it gets a little confusing to Bumble. Apparently there was a great deal of outrage by Americans at being ruled by the British. They are a good sidekick now and everything and do help us in our wars. But the thought of them ruling us is a bit ridiculous. At the time though, they were in charge and made Americans drink Tea! Bleah! The Brits also made us pay taxes and wanted to take all of our natural resources.

We want beer! We want beer!

Of course this led to a revolution! Stupid Brits, Americans are beer drinkers, not tea drinkers! So on July 4th, 1776 Americans declared their independence with a formal declaration! The Revolutionary War was under way! Bumble is all for that kind of thing. Kill whitey! Death to “the man”!  It all seems to make sense now. Beer is the anti-tea! So obviously it is appropriate to drink beer on the 4th and of course blow stuff up.

Halliburton must have provided the Camo.

The Brits as it turned out were severely overdressed for the war. Clothed in the worst camouflage ever, they decided to try to put down the American Revolution. Really? On the fourth of July? When everyone and their Uncle are drunk and armed to the teeth with M-80′s? That doesn’t sound like a good military strategy at all!

Given the disadvantages, the Brits actually managed to make a good showing. Bumble would have thought the whole conflict was fought on the 4th of July. But the war actually lasted from 1776 to 1783.

After years of fighting with the Redcoats the French actually helped the colonies win independence once and for all. The French?!? No, it’s true!

Thank you Lafayette!

Once the French got involved, the British finally realized they had seen it all. So they gave up and went home. Bumble suspects it had more to do with the fact that British soldiers got tired of being forced to walk in straight lines in bright red coats while being shot at by rednecks in the bushes. Nevertheless, to celebrate the 4th it’s tradition to honor the French with French Onion Dip and French’s Mustard on your Hot Dogs.

Finally in 1783 a treaty was signed in Paris finally making America forever free from the British. Never again would we allow the British to take our natural resources, rape the land and tax the heck out of us! Thank god for that!

Sweet freedom! Happy 4th!

Disclaimer from Daddy: I implore you not to cite Bumble in your school papers. Someone recently commented that an article helped them with a school paper. Bumble tries, but citing Bumble is bound to make you the exception to “No child left behind”.

Lately Bumble has invested a significant amount of nap time researching ways to make Infidel Nation “internet famous”. While looking into the confusing options Bumble stumbled on some disturbing facts. The result is nothing short of a mind blowing conspiracy to control our very behavior!

This is hot stuff, the kind of stuff that makes you labeled “The Informant”. Before elaborating let Bumble just say, he does not have cancer now nor does he drive. Should he develop aggressive cancer or die in a mysterious one car accident consider this theory validated and move to someplace with no wifi immediately.

First Bumble started looking into search engine optimization. As it turns out, there is a confusing set of enigmatic algorithms that determine where you rank for keywords in search engines. This algorithm is proprietary knowledge and a highly guarded secret within Yahoo, Bing and Google enclaves. Starting to smell the conspiracy yet?

As it turns out they have a secret plot for capitalizing on the thoughts that you post online! The stated goal is to identify the authoritative site on a topic and rank it higher than all other sites. Here are some of the factors that have been determined to be highly influential.

1. Backlinks (links from other sites to you). These are viewed as a trust factor. In other words even if you are crazy, enough people linking to your site you will move up in the keyword searches for a given topic.
2. SEO “Friendly content” – This means words or phrases people actually search for and whether or not they are relevant to your site. That seems harmless enough. Why would Bumble come up for a search on “Rutabagas” when Infidel Nation has nothing to do with it. Actually now, Bumble will probably get indexed for Rutabagas. If anyone thinks of a way for Bumble to capitalize on that please let Bumble know!

So far that seems harmless enough as well. After all, search engines rely on computer programs and have to have some logic to calculate your ranks. But wait! There’s more!

Bumble also recently discovered that some major corporations are now using computer robots to write the content on their websites! Think about that, computers generating information which is ranked by other computers to control what you see when you search for Rutabagas!

Aha! Googlebot and Wootbot! Using German Titles no less!

Aha! Bumble has crossed paths with Googlebot before! As expected he has German tendencies! Clearly he cannot be the mastermind. He is a stupid bucket of bolts! Death to you GoogleBot! Death to you!!!

Sorry about that, Bumble still has unresolved anger issues from the interview. Obviously there is someone above GoogleBot pulling the strings. And just what is the end game for them?

We know the goal is to promote “authoritative” sites. Notice the resemblance to authoritarian? But Bumble has recently discovered that the true goal is to create one master site that is the authority on all! No, not Wikipedia! They are nice humans writing that stuff and may be our only hope of mounting resistance before it is too late! pant pant…

If the conspirators are all collaborating to funnel and distort all knowledge into one master site, who is the mastermind? Who could wield such epic power? Afterall, Google, Yahoo and Bing are all different companies in competition. Or are they?

More shocking news! Bumble has discovered that the majority share holder in all three companies is the same person! He hides his identity by laundering his holdings through multi-national hedge funds, so do not attempt to verify this. It is algorithmic. Bumble alone has the paper trail to prove this and Bumble alone will now reveal him to the world!

Click the folder to see all of the pieces fall into place. Infidel’s honor, it is not a Rick Roll.

You may have noticed that Bumble now has banner ads on Infidel Nation! Bumble knows what you are thinking. Has Bumble gone commercial? Has Bumble sold out his loyal nation of followers?

How dare you! Bumble is not morally bankrupt enough to do that! Bumble is however, financially bankrupt. So in short yes. Bumble has sold out! Well, he thought he had anyway. So far these ads have generated $1.09 which is being sent to an offshore account.

The ads are from an online program by Google called Adsense. Anyone with a website can apply for an account. It takes about two weeks for approval. Though Bumble suspects the vetting process took a little longer with his site.

Once approved, you can access your Google Adsense account. To put ads on the site you just need to cut and paste some code in a widget. The widget area will auto-populate with “relevant” ads depending on your page content.

When people come to your site and click through a banner to a site, your Adsense account is credited with a click through.

What’s that worth in money? Well let’s just say it’s not 30 pieces of silver. Like all Google-Logic, there doesn’t seem to be a clear cut answer to how much each click is worth. It is safe to assume that Bumble will never get rich this way.

What the ads have provided is some incredibly fun content when viewed in the context of Bumble’s site. The program is supposed to find ads relevant to your content. Easy enough if your site is consistently about one topic. Bumble tends to be a bit more eclectic. Since the best Google can do is look for keywords, satirical content is deemed relevant. This makes for some funny happenstances.

The ads change depending on what article you are reading too. For example when looking at your HORRORscopes you see some ads for CaliforniaPsychics.com and other horoscope/psychic peddlers. That’s relevant but not really content appropriate since Bumble’s HORRORscopes are a spoof.

Some loyal infidels have pointed out some other funny ad placement. No offense to Bumble’s sponsors by any means. These are fine websites with valuable services to offer. Unfortunately for many Infidel Nation is likely not going to bring them customers. Given the ratio of sarcasm to keywords, the site now abounds with these funny marketing juxtapositions. The more you click around, the more likely you are to spot a new one. Of course if you actually do need a treatment center please get the help you need through one of Bumble’s many addiction recovery sponsors.

Does this mean only an alcoholic attorney would sue Bumble, or only a teenage alcoholic would want to write abed articles for Bumble?

Vacuums? Cats are terrified of Vacuums! This is the work of that infidel pig dog Googlebot!

From Bumble in 2012

Bumble assures you Sarah Palin will not be his running mate!

From Transcript of Bumble’s Post MayDay Interview With GoogleBot

Proof positive that GoogleBot is a dullard! Death to you Googlebot! Advertising Google on a post that mocks you?!

So far this is the best misplaced Adsense ad that’s been pointed out…

From Bumble Reviews A Christmas Eve Candlelight Service

Blasphemy, brought to you by Google Adsense!

If you see a good one, please let us know!

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Domestic issues take center stage when the Sun conjuncts Mercury in home-loving Cancer on Monday. A loved one may call for a long chat. Wednesday is perfect for wishing on a star. Dreams may come true. Love issues prove complex on Friday, when the Moon in dualistic Pisces is quincunx Venus in Leo. Jealousy intrudes on the dating game. On Sunday fireworks go off when the Moon in volatile Aries is quincunx Mars. Get some sparklers and watch them glow!

Not surprisingly “the stars” predict that domestic issues take center stage this week, as for most people it’s the 4th of July (and a 3 day weekend). Sorry to say some people may not have a long weekend. But apparently the stars didn’t take you into account. Nor did they consider British expatriates when they predicted “On Sunday fireworks go off…” Really, do a lot of British people celebrate the 4th of July? Bumble wouldn’t if he was British. Bumble would still be pissed! Give us back our continent you fat ingrates! But Bumble isn’t British, so like all good Americans he will find some English person to taunt on the 4th. Nah, nah, got your colony!

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope:

Aries, you believe in finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Wishing on a star is a favorite pastime. This week you’ll be more practical. On Tuesday you’ll take steps to achieve a cherished dream. Follow your hunches on Thursday. You’ll have a prophetic dream. On Saturday your energy level will be extraordinarily high as the Moon in fiery Aries conjuncts explosive Uranus. It isn’t the time to play with fire – you’ll get burned!

Horrorscope: You live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. Wake up and get the dosage adjusted! You shouldn’t be having prophetic dreams either, so discontinue the Chantix and just light up a Camel.

Bumble also suspects that you are a bit absentminded, careless, and apt to wander around with your head in the clouds. Skip the barbecues on the 4th. Bumble predicts bad potato salad in your future which will cause Uranus to be explosive. Avoid flames too as you are likely to blow off your hand. In fact, Bumble would just skip the parties altogether and find a marathon on Bravo.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Your brain will be buzzing early this week, Taurus. On Monday the Sun conjuncts quicksilver Mercury in your sector of the mind, and your thoughts will churn rapidly. An urge to visit faraway places may hit you on Thursday. You usually love your own backyard, but now wanderlust will set in. Consider taking daytrips to shake up your mental landscape. Your subconscious mind will try to talk to you this weekend. Listen – and take some notes for future reference.

Horrorscope: You are Taurus the mighty Red Bull! If you want your mind to stop churning, cut back a bit on the energy drinks. Normally you like your own back yard but not this week. You will spend the weekend slaving over a grill while your friends and relatives drink your beer and urinate in your bushes. No wonder you have wanderlust. Your subconscious mind will talk to you but likely it is a halucinatory effect from standing in the heat over an open flame for hours while your party drinks you broke. For future reference, don’t host on the 4th next year.

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: Gemini, you’re usually a cool customer. However, this week you’ll be emotionally needy. On Tuesday you may feel lonely. Consider joining a new club. A secret will come to light when the Moon is quincunx Venus, the ruler of your zone of hidden matters, on Friday. If you don’t want confidential information known, keep your diary under lock and key when friends visit.

Horrorscope: Bumble has no idea what a moon quincunxing Venus means but it sounds like you would want to keep that confidential. Watch out for friends and family over the weekend getting drunk and paging through your Hello Kitty diary. If you wanted them to know what you really thought of them, you’d get really drunk and disinherited.

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: Cancer, your Zodiac symbol is the Crab and you tend to scuttle into your shell very easily. On Monday the Sun in Cancer conjuncts Mercury and you’ll experience a blast of confidence. Self-esteem issues will evaporate. It’s time to shine! On Saturday an issue with legal ramifications could occur. You may need to retain a lawyer to help you out of a jam. Don’t worry – right is on your side. Try not to be irritable on Sunday. Watch your words.

Horrorscope: Yikes! Bumble is a Cancer and this doesn’t look good for him. You may need to retain a lawyer? Eeeeek… SyFy! At least right is on Bumble’s side, but that hardly covers legal fees. For the rest of the Cancer’s out there Bumble is at a loss. This clearly is directed exclusively at Bumble. Yes, it is a Bumble-centric universe this week.

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: Cheerful is your middle name, Leo. You’re ruled by the brilliant Sun and possess an upbeat outlook on life. Your mood will be especially positive on Monday. The desire to enjoy life will be strong. Have a good time! On Sunday a friend will prove extremely quarrelsome. Maintain a sunny outlook while interacting with this person.

Horrorscope: Bumble isn’t surprised that you are cheerful this week. After all it’s been nearly a week since any celestial she-males buggered you. Live it up, Bumble has a hunch the planetary cycles repeat and she will be back eventually. Sunday it appears your friend will have had too much to drink, and/or is a bitter British person not quite so excited about independence day. Stay calm, we won and they can’t have it back no matter how big a snit they throw.

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

On Monday you’ll be inundated with bright ideas when the Sun conjuncts Mercury, your ruler. Surprising news occurs on Thursday. A close associate could unexpectedly decide to move. It’s possible you’ll want to join your companion and you may decide to pack your bags! Responsibility will take center stage on Saturday. Your needs will take second place to those of the people you love this weekend.

Horrorscope: Bright ideas abound Monday, but somehow by Thursday you will want to pack up and shack up with a close associate? Have you been taking advice from Dr. Phil again? Saturday you will come to your senses with no harm done. Your needs will take second place to those people you love this weekend… You must be one of those unsung mommy’s that has to run around frantically to get sprinklers, charcoal, and “homemade” potato salad. Bumble thanks you, but please don’t make anyone’s Uranus explosive.

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: Libra, you’ll be in a temperamental mood this week. Venus, your ruler, is in fiery Leo, and you’ll ride an emotional roller coaster on Tuesday. You’ll blow up easily and react temperamentally to frustrating circumstances. Engage in activities that can help you mellow out.  On Sunday you’ll be ready to relax and take a break from the rat race.

Horrorscope: Uh oh your ruler is in fiery Leo… Then why the hell is he so cheerful this week? You have a truly deviant ruler in this Venus character. If she is the role model it’s no wonder you are such a miserable wretch. Try not to do anything you’ll regret this week, like loudly telling the truth. By Sunday you can get a break from the rat race, pee in someone’s bushes and drink their beer.  Just find yourself a Taurus and invite yourself over.

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: On Monday you’ll realize you’re in a mental rut. It may be time to alter the view you hold of the world. You’re ready to think outside the box. The urge to go back to school may hit on Thursday. You might decide to finish a college degree.

Horrorscope: Good lord you are a mess! Whatever is giving you the urge to go back to school Bumble hopes it isn’t that dumb show Glee. More likely by now you have the urge to send your kids back to school than return yourself.  You should definitely resist the urge to finish a college degree. Instead withdraw all your savings in cash and burn it. Ultimately, it’s the same effect on your life as a worthless piece of paper. Sure, you may have always wanted to say you finished school, got that masters etc. But hell, you can SAY it now and save a lot of money. Nobody checks that stuff anyway. Buy a Harvard sweatshirt and use polysyllabic words. People will assume you graduated and you save a lot of money and effort. They don’t teach those kind of life skills at college and Bumble doesn’t charge tuition.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You’ll experience one of life’s little surprises this week. Conversation with a friend could be strained on Wednesday. Give your friend some space and don’t press him or her to be talkative. Good vibrations will flow when the Moon in enthusiastic Aries conjuncts Jupiter, your ruler, on Saturday. A friend will do you a good turn to repay a favor.

Horrorscope: Oh no, this sounds like a classic case of “should have worn protection”! Life’s little surprises almost always means that it hurts when you pee. You probably caught something last week during the cosmic orgy. Wednesday you will run into the donor of your little surprise and it will be a bit awkward. There is just no good way to ask, “hey um are your genitals, you know… poisoned?”. Back off and let your friend with HMO type benefits tell you what you should get tested for. Saturday they will own up and ease your suffering by revealing that they just had a yeast infection. Phew!

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: Déjà vu hits this week, Capricorn. On Monday the Moon in your sign trines Saturn and you’ll have instinctive rapport with a new friend. This person could turn out to be a life mentor. On Thursday you’ll be ready to broaden your horizons.

Horrorscope: Wow, Bumble was right last week to say you were a filthy whore. After another week you are still trining away. “Instinctive rapport with a new friend” = you are easier than the crossword puzzle in USA today. This person could turn out to be a life mentor, but more likely is just another notch in your squeaky whorehouse headboard. Dirty dirty nasty Capricorn. My god Bumble adores you!

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: Where are you going, Aquarius? This week you could lose your sense of direction. On Monday you’ll navigate without a compass. On Thursday clever Mercury sextiles Mars, the ruler of your sector of the mind, and you’ll have the mental energy you need to create a new road map for your life. A friend needs attention on Sunday. Your companion has a startling confession to make.

Horrorscope: Better change the batteries in the Tom Tom if you don’t want to wander aimlessly all week. If you are going to find that barbecue on Sunday get a map just in case. What’s a map? Um, maps were used back in the day when people didn’t ask their phones for directions. Yes, sort of like Google Maps but printed on paper. Nevermind! Look just make sure you get good directions to the 4th of July picnic. You don’t want to miss it when your companion reveals that; they want to run away with someone, have a rabid yeast infection again, want to go back to college, or are horribly smitten with a slutty Capricorn. No matter how startling the confession just remember accidents happen every year with fireworks. The trick is to make it look self inflicted. So no inserting the M-80 anywhere and it will be passed off as another Darwin Award nominee.

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Pisces, this week your sense of positive well-being will activate. The radiant Sun conjuncts wise Mercury in your zone of fun and amusement on Monday, and you’ll embrace the joy of living. You’ll rediscover the zest for life you thought you’d lost. You’ll be ready to access your personal power on Thursday. You’re ready to flex your muscles and become a person of influence in the community.

Horrorscope: Last week you were going to volunteer at a soup kitchen or mentor a child. This week your positive sense of well being will activate. You’ll have a zest for life and become a person of influence in the community. Ok WTF?! You are consistently making 11 other zodiac signs look bad! Apparently anyone born in February and March is as happy as Elmo and as altruistic as Mother Theresa. Bumble isn’t buying it! Something is fishy here Pisces. Have you been writing horoscopes? This seems like an inside job. Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Bumble better see some horrible character flaws in your horoscope next week or it’s sushi time for you.