One of many books we did not read as research.

Many of you already know that December 12, 2012 marks the end of the Mayan long calender. Many books have been written regarding just what that means. Bumble has read none of these!  You do not get Bumble’s hard earned money for a book which ultimately is as conclusive as Punxatawny Phil’s weather forecasts.

The days of book learning are over. Bumble can draw his own conclusions nicely without you stinky academics. That is what pop culture is for anyway, to slowly socialize the sheep of civilization into what will eventually be a reality.

Just looking at TV and Movies it has become quite clear the end is nigh. The only question is just what kind of disaster will occur? Will it be a flood? Perhaps an asteroid strike?

Bumble’s personal guess is a cosmic EMP (Electro Magnetic Pulse) which would destroy all electronics. Wiping out all the smart phones, internet and TV alone would create a zombie apocalypse of its own. Generations of fat kids would stumble outside into direct sunlight for the first time in years. Hungry and bored they would begin to eat anything that could satisfy their incessant craving to be fed. Regardless of just what might occur on that date one thing is clear.

Now is the time for panic and preparation!

Bumble knows what you are thinking though. “Just how can I be sure the world is ending?” Simple.

The government isn’t talking about it. Nope. Not a word. In fact, you can pretty much rest assured that anything the government does talk about is a distraction from some larger more sinister truth that they wish to keep secret. The lack of government banter about 2012 is a clear sign that they know something we don’t. Clearly the stuffed shirts in Washington are busy preparing underground shelters while distracting the masses with silly issues that really don’t matter. Particularly if a giant EMP is headed our way.

Bug Out Bag

With that in mind, Bumble has been slowly assembling his bug out bag and survival cache. In building his base camp, Bumble has become more familiar with the Survivalist sub-culture which will quickly become the new nobility after Dec 12, 2012. Why? Because they will have stockpiles of toilet paper and bullets. Bumble defies you to wipe your bum or take down a rabbit with your Visa card. No, those with the truly bare essentials on hand can and will survive whatever happens.

During his preparations, Bumble noticed something truly scary. Merchants and retailers are not advertising anything about the end of the world! Remember Y2K? Everyone was trying to cash in. You probably got flooded with emails trying to sell you generators. But this time, nothing. In fact, this is the last Christmas season ever according to those Mayans. Yet not one company has marketed to Christmas shoppers referencing “Buy now, Pay Never”. Why not?

They can’t! That’s right! Bumble recently received a tip from an anonymous and possibly fictitious source that the government has quietly removed all attempts by marketers to use certain terms in advertisements. You heard it here first. There is a massive coverup prohibiting retailers from marketing the end of the world. The government clearly doesn’t want the huddled masses to survive.

Despite their attempts, a few brave retailers have secretly created discounts and coupon codes to help the rest of us acquire necessary goods for the end times. In fact Ham Radio operators have been exchanging coupon codes for months. The group of retailers have quietly agreed to make coupon codes called “Mayan2012″. These can be used on websites to save money. Unfortunately, they have no way to let the people know about them. Until now!

Bumble fears no white vans!

If you know of any websites that accept the secret code add them here in our comments section. Bumble tips his hat to those of you brave leaders of humanity that are trying to keep society alive despite the man.

Bumble has had a love hate affair with reddit for over a year. He was given a book last Christmas that suggested techniques for increasing traffic on his blog. One technique was to post content to various places like StumbleUpon and Reddit. StumbleUpon hasn’t generated much love, but at least the users of the site aren’t idiots. Most seem to be casual surfers of the interwebs just looking for a good laugh and something original.

Reddit is another story. Every now and then Bumble has caught lightening in a bottle and written something that does well there. Usually, it makes Bumble feel dirty when that happens. Why? Because 90% of redditors  are judgy-pants dbags. If you ever want to find out just what happened to the kid that used to do the “morning announcements” at your high school simply sign up for reddit. Failed writers, humorists, and cowboy coders unite! Shape of a disenchanted fat virgin! Form of an overbearing moderator!

You’ve probably never heard of reddit because quite frankly, you are cool. If you weren’t cool you wouldn’t be here. You would be on reddit overcompensating for your rather small penis by blocking innocent cats from submitting funny content. Listen douche… Just because you are moderating a sub-reddit with 50,000 followers that does not make you Mark Zuckerberg. It makes you the kid that still trots out his nWo T-shirt from the late 90′s and thinks he is badass. In other words, we are all laughing at you between your shifts at Circuit City. In short, get bent.

Update: Bumble has started his OWN sub-reddit for non-judgy-pants people, humorists, cats, and bloggers to freely share their original content. So far it has one follower, namely Bumble. Kinda sad huh? Not really. As long as you have a place to post, the content still shows up in reddit’s search. Now, Bumble has never actually MET someone who used reddit in person. Nonetheless, if you have original content and want to share sign up and use our sub-reddit.

Click to visit iNation on reddit and share your stuff.

Recently, Bumble observed an episode of domestic life both disturbing and ridiculous. Since he can speak both Ant and Human, allow him to re-create the occurrence in an dramatic narrative.

A typical Saturday morning…

Daddy walks to the kitchen counter in all his Saturday morning unkempt glory.

Mommy: “Don’t eat cupcakes for breakfast!”

Daddy: “I can have a cupcake if I want!”

Daddy raises a cupcake to his gaping maw. You can almost see him thinking “mmmmm cupcake”. Suddenly, without warning (which is usually how suddenly happens) Daddy emits a loud girly shriek. The cupcake is hurled as he recoils in horror. It lands frosting side down on the kitchen floor with a SPLAT!

 Mommy: “What the hell did you do that for?? That was a perfectly good cupcake!”

Daddy: “<pant pant> There.. there was an ant on it!”

Ant 1: “My thorax! Ow my thorax! Get this cupcake off of me!”

Mommy: “You are such a wuss…”

Daddy timidly approaches the counter and slowly slides the aluminum foil off the plate of cupcakes.

Daddy: “Eeeeeek! They are everywhere! OMG there are hundreds of them all over the cupcakes!”

Mommy: “Oh no! The cupcakes!!! For the love of god I didn’t even get one yet!!!”

Daddy: “I think I am going to be sick! oh my god, oh my god they are everywhere…”

Mommy: “This is your fault! I told you to cover them!”

Ant 1: “Really, I think you broke my abdomen… ow… ow…”

Ant 2: “Aaaaagh, we are discovered! I told you this was too good to be true Larry!”

Ant 3: “Quick! Back to the nest everyone!”

Ant 4: “Grab the frosting! Grab the FROSTING!  Everyone grab some frosting and run for the crack behind the stove! Go! Go! Move out!

Ant 5: “Red five standing by!”

Ant 2: “Really!? Really Lyle?! Is now the time for your stupid obscure Star Wars references! They broke Steve’s thorax! Fear not Steve, the colony shall survive!”

Ant 1: “Um yeah, the colony. That’s good. Could someone maybe drag me under the stove? I think I could recover…”

Ant 2: “I said Fear NOT Steve, the colony shall survive!”

Ant 5: “Quit being so bossy Karl! We’re all workers! Who put you in charge?!”

Ant 3: “To the stove everyone go!”

Daddy: “Oh my god where did they all come from?! Look at them all!! Oh god, they are running behind the stove!!! What do I do? What do I do?!?!”

Mommy: “Maybe some of the cupcakes are still good.”

Daddy: “Don’t just stand there… DO something!”

Mommy: “Oh god look at them all… the cupcakes are ruined! Waaaaah!”

Daddy: ” Quit lamenting the lost cupcakes! What do we do about the ants?!”

Mommy: “Just grab the whole thing and throw it on the deck! Hurry! They are getting away!”

At this point Daddy grabbed the plate of sullied cupcakes and ran to the sliding glass door. With his bathrobe billowing like the cape of death, he hurls the dish onto the deck…

Daddy: “Now what? Do we have any spray?!”

Mommy: “Wait. No, don’t throw them out there! The cupcakes could attract bears!”

Daddy: “What?? You just told me to throw them outside!”

Ant 2: “Did she say bears?! Run for your lives! Save yourselves! We are to be eaten by bears! I told you this would happen Larry!”

Ant 3: “Oh shut up Karl! You did not! Nobody could foresee that a giant store of unprotected chocolate sugar goo would lead invariably to being eaten by bears! Quit being a dick!”

Daddy opens the door and quickly scoops up the plate, cupcakes and ants. He dashes to the garbage pail and hurls the entire mess into the rubbish. Mommy begins frantically looking under the sink for some form of chemical warfare agent.

Ant 3: “See Karl! I told you this would work out! Look at this wonderful trash!”

Daddy yanks the bag from the bin and runs to the front door, hurling it with crisis powered strength halfway down the driveway. Mommy begins to frantically spray Windex all over the remaining evacuees as they scurry behind the stove.

Ant 2: “Quickly everyone climb out of the bag! Hurry before the bears arrive!”

Ant 7 covered in Windex: “Ewwww what is this crap? Cough cough.. I am cleaner and yet still sticky… bleah…”

Daddy: “What the hell are you doing? Is that Windex! That won’t kill them. Don’t you have any spray?!”

Mommy: “No! We don’t have any ant spray, it’s bad for the cats!”

Daddy: “Just smash them then!”

Ant 7: “What? Smash what now? Run away! Ooooooof.”

Ant 6: “Ant down! Ant down! They got Milt! Milt has been squished, I repeat Milt has been squished!”

Mommy: “I have to go to work! You are going to have to deal with this! Look another one! Keep squishing them.”

After several minutes the chaos dies down. The battlefield is cleared and Daddy sits on the floor far away from the stove, staring off into the distance. Dead ants litter the stove top. An eerie silence fills the kitchen.

Ant 1: “Medic! Medic!”

Bumble: “Is anyone going to eat this frosted ant?”

Ant 1: “The horror… the horror…”

FIN

Earlier today, it was pointed out to Bumble that Ripoff Report was removed from Google’s search index. Initially this was discovered by Search Engine People, and later reported on by Mandy Boyle. You can view Mandy’s article here as well as the comment exchange between yours truly and of all people- Ripoff Report.

Just what is Ripoff Report you ask? Ripoff Report is an open public forum where consumers can voice complaints against businesses. Anyone can go there and file a complaint against a business. As to why Google would remove it from the index, Bumble will leave that to the experts on such subjects. Bumble is merely an expert on douchebaggery behavior and couldn’t resist reporting on some.

You see, Ripoff Report allows anyone to file a public grievance for would be customers to view. Unfortunately, by their own admission right on their main web page the complaints are not vetted. In their own words…

“While we encourage authors to only file truthful reports, Ripoff Reports does not guarantee that all reports are authentic or accurate.” Interesting. If you are the business owner in question, you can of course reply to the Ripoff Report and even file for arbitration through their site.

Ironically though it is free for any disgruntled consumer to bad mouth a merchant (provided they use the honor system and “file truthful reports”, it costs the businesses money to settle the complaints. Up to $2,000 to refute a complaint by any competitor, schmuck, former employee or ex-wife with a grudge. Yeah, really. Again, from their site…

You submit a written arbitration statement identifying the false statements in the report, or explaining that the report was posted by a competitor pretending to be a customer. You are also given the opportunity to support your position with documentary evidence and/or sworn affidavits. There is a filing fee of $2,000 to pay for the arbitrator’s time and for administration of the program. The author of the report is then given the opportunity respond and you are given the opportunity to reply (source: http://www.ripoffreport.com/).

Bumble isn’t sure just how much money, nor does he care. The fact that anyone can flame your company in a public forum with an unsubstantiated claim is preposterous. This is why there is a Better Business Bureau in the first place. Bumble had hoped to investigate further on the actual fees that Ripoff Report charges merchants, but since he doesn’t have Alta Vista he couldn’t find their site.

Now you may be asking yourself what would so inflame Bumble as to care about Ripoff Report?

Simple.

Hipocrisy!

Within minutes of Mandy’s article, someone from Ripoff Report commented on her site. Obviously, they take their own reputation management very seriously. Again, you can certainly read Mandy’s article, and Bumble encourages you to do so. It was very fair. Now to the hipocrisy part…

Doug (from Ripoff Report) had this to say in reply.

Really??? Really??? Bumble is astounded that someone from Ripoff Report would be so indignant that anyone dare post something negative about them. In fact, if you look at the directory on Ripoff Report many businesses have their own section. One is curiously omitted. Bumble doesn’t see a section for Reports ON Ripoff Report. Wow, this kind of karma does not come around often enough. A company that has made it’s money publishing unsubstantiated rubbish is upset that anyone would dare to talk about them without doing more homework. There really isn’t much more to say about that. It’s so brutally ironic that it hurts.

Bumble will simply close with his comments back to Doug.

P.s. Doug, this one will cost $4,000 to take down.

UPDATE: Late last night the plot thickened. Google did not ban Ripoff Report after all. As it turns out a request was filed by someone at Ripoff Report to remove themselves from the index. A spokesperson from Google was quoted by Search Engine Land with the following statement.

The owner of this site delegated access in our webmaster console to multiple email accounts, and one of those email accounts submitted a url removal request for the site. We’ve emailed the site owner to check whether the site removal was an intended action, or whether the removal was a mistake.

As of this morning they are back in the index, prompting all the SEO and Reputation Management firms that make a parasitic living off of claims to remove false reports to breath a collective sigh of relief. Their mafia style protection money scams can continue unabated.

Doug has yet to reply to Bumble.

Derek Lee Looking Surprised At Being A Savior

With the MLB Trade Deadline nearing, it’s apparent that the poor Pirates will not improve today. The optimist in me prays that Derek Lee can lead a legit playoff charge. The realist sees that an elusive winning record is dangerously close to slipping away.
Just how elusive is a winning season? The beleaguered Buccos haven’t had a winning season in nearly two decades. That’s right! The Pirates haven’t had a winning season since 1992. That’s 18 consecutive losing seasons!

This year the Pirates are overachieving by staying above .500 through August. In itself that’s a great achievement but the cracks are already starting to show. The pitching and defense are starting to wear down. The team looks like it could desperately use an infusion of talent. Derek Lee certainly can’t hurt, but he was clearly Plan D.

If management thinks the team isn’t really a contender, the opportunity is here to move some veterans and get some top prospects. The city could accept that in the longer term. Even better, if they feel the Pirates are just a bat away now is the time to go get one. In all fairness Derek Lee he has had big years and GM Neal Huntington didn’t give up much to get him.

Still nobody thinks this will make them into a contender down the stretch. No, this was purely a deal to make a deal. This was GM Neal Huntington needing to save face after much criticism around the league about refusing to entertain talks about top prospects. In two years maybe the trades that didn’t happen will look genius. We can hope, but that’s a slim commodity in Pirate Nation. The whole point of building a deep farm system is to improve the club at the major league level. Neal has done a great job there (or Ray Searage and Clint Hurdle have made him look great). But refusing to go for it this time around is baffling.

So in what appears to be an annual event, we announce the impact deal that all Pirate fans really hope will happen.

PIRATES TRADE GENERAL MANAGER NEAL HUNTINGTON FOR A BROKEN HOT DOG MACHINE!

7.31.2011 Ass. Press 4:11 PM
Sources close to insanity report that the Pittsburgh Pirates agreed in principal to a trade of General Manager Neal Huntington to the Milwaukee Brewers for a broken Hot Dog Machine and cash considerations.

Asked about the move, Pirates management pointed to the excellent future potential of the Hot Dog Machine. An imaginary representative stated, “Given our position we felt this was a good move to improve our organization from a culinary and financial perspective.

Neal did a great job for us making sure we had a good young group of players while still ensuring that our record streak would continue unabated for at least several more years. The Hot Dog Machine will also give us greater salary cap flexibility moving forward.” Management also stated that the loss of Huntington from a strategy perspective would easily be offset if the Hot Dog Machine was fixed.

Initial reaction indicates the Pirates were a clear winner in this deal, but as with all deadline deals only time will tell.

The Hot Dog Machine is under warranty until 2012 when it can become an unrestricted free agent. Huntington will have to clear waivers. The Hot Dog Machine is being FedEx’d to AAA Indianapolis where it will report Monday for a rehab assignment.

Apparently there is a huge crisis brewing in Washington. Perhaps you heard already? On August 2nd the “debt ceiling” needs to be raised or else the Federal Government will not be able to borrow enough money to maintain itself. Can that be right? Okay, well it sounds crazy but that seems to really be what the crisis is all about.

What does that mean for you? Who the hell knows? The potential effects being touted by the newspeak media range from one extreme to another. Either the Federal government will be forced to downsize and start cutting programs, or the sky will fall and Chinese people will come to your house and repo your Playstation 3. The truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle. Bumble claims no insight into what could happen. Instead, he is just furious that nothing is being done about the looming dooming of the United States!

Despite the fact that the debt ceiling has been raised 74 times since 1962 (including 18 times under Reagan), Congress just refuses to do it now. Why? It would appear this is one of those “line in the sand” moments where the Republicans have enough leverage to bargain and force government to downsize. Or, it’s just really hard to get your credit limit raised if you are black. Even if you are the POTUS.

Will the world end on August 2nd? Uh no. One way or other the debt ceiling will ultimately be raised. The debate itself has already done significant damage to the US reputation among lender nations. Will the US change as a result of this whole mess? YES, if we make it happen.

Did you know that it costs the American tax payer over 2 BILLION dollars a year to pay the legislative branch of our government? That includes Congress, it’s staff and several ancillary agencies. Just what the heck are we paying these idiots for again?

Imagine if instead of paying these bozos, we pooled our 2 Billion dollars and bought stock in Apple? Do you know what that would be worth in 5 years?? People go crazy for Apple products!

Obviously, Bumble is fed up with the bickering in Washington. That’s why starting today Bumble refuses to pay Congress! That’s right fat cats! No soup for you! Of course it’s kind of hard to do that since they just take our money from taxes. But the next time Bumble writes a check he is writing “Not for Congress” in the memo field.

It might be a while before Bumble gets a chance to lash out on a check memo line though. So until then he has created a Facebook page which will represent our angst at paying these jackwagons and hopefully send them a message. Please Like the page and join us in the fight!

Twitter was down last night for approximately an hour, causing an estimated 2,307 Beliebers to stop beliebing. This tragic event can be summed up with the Tweets of Justin’s followers this morning, and is best shown amidst sad Sarah McLachlan llyrics (which you can imagine being sung by the cast of Glee).

In the arms of an angel…

“I just stared at my Facebook wall and realized how boring people in my life are”

Fly away from here…

“I had a mental breakdown :L”

From this dark cold hotel room (sad dog’s eyes)

“I felt like iq wasn’t connected with this world. And the Belieber family. It was terrible.” Typos preserved for accuracy.

And the endlessness that you fear…

“I kept refreshing the page every 10 seconds”

Yes, these are real tweets though we removed the names to protect their innocence. You can help these poor children. If you know any Beliebers, help them prepare for the next Twitter Fail by buying them some Robert Smith on iTunes to get them through the next “emergency” in their life.

The Cure for not Beliebing

YES! BIG EMPHATIC YES! Wrestling is back. Punk clean pinned Cena at Money In the Bank last night and escaped into the crowd. So where is the Championship? As of midnight it was in cold storage. That’s right, it’s in Punks fridge, next to the BBQ Sauce. Punk tweeted this picture last night. If you want the full recap, we’ll leave it to our friends at IWantWrestling.com on Twitter @IWantWrestling.com. For the first time in a decade, we’re actually excited to see Raw tonight!

The ice cream bars must be in the freezer.

First and foremost, is Punk really leaving the WWE? Sadly, yes. His contract really expires on July 18th. We will be sorry to see him go. He is one of the few remaining talents with any sense of credibility as a real person. The PG genre has spawned even more cartoonish superhero type figures than the pre-attitude Hogan days, where the top matches featured giant jobbers like Tug-Boat being bested by the “Incredible Hulk Hogan”. Sure, it sells a lot of garish T-shirts, but it makes for boring TV and even worse matches.

I’m not knocking Cena. The guy works his butt off, and has my respect for granting more Make A Wish wishes than any human in history. He is flat out a good guy. Unfortunately, he is also a “good guy” which gets a little boring. Wrestling needs some good heels or Cena will look even more cartoonish. When Chris Jericho left, I was saddened. He was one of the best in ring performers no doubt. But Jericho also cut smart promos. I don’t just mean clever, I mean clearly the guy is smart. It was a shame to see him go.

Punk really stepped up on the mic once given the opportunity. He has always been a great in ring performer as well, but his promos have edged toward greatness as more and more of his real life frustration seeps in. Sadly this leaves him as the perfect foil to Cena, if only he were staying. CM Punk represents old school wrestling, old school shoot promos, and basically that old school mentality that hasn’t truly been seen since Flair and the Andersons in the 80′s. Cena by contrast is the next Hulk Hogan. We all know it, and it’s not such a bad thing. It just stinks that Punk v Cena could really be this generations Hogan v. Flair.

Of course at this point Punk’s departure is imminent. Punk is leaving which leaves Money in the Bank kind of a lame duck Pay Per View. Surely he isn’t winning the championship that night. Or is he?

Here’s what should happen…

Punk will beat Cena and win the WWE Championship.

The Money in the bank winner (R-Truth or the Miz) will cash in immediately and claim the title. It quite simply has to happen that way. Any straight win by Cena is just too boring. The WWE can’t keep the belt on Cena until Wrestlemania when he faces The Rock, so somebody has to get it before then. The Miz was a great champion during his title run, made for must see tv, and even managed to put Jerry Lawler over in the ring. He would be the obvious choice to beat Punk and bring the gold at least back to the “organization”. The dark horse is R-Truth. He has found a great schtick and I believe a lot of “little jimmy’s” still like “bad guys” (at least entertaining ones). Truth will get the nod at MITB and set up a summer feud with Cena.

New Champion – R-Truth!

Now a brief note to Punk himself…

Thanks for all the great matches, awesome promos, and making “wrestling matter”. We really hope you can work out a deal and stay on Monday nights, but if not we’ll see you in ninety days making an impact somewhere.

Mother nature is definitely a woman. This was found in the eastern woodlands of northeast Pennsylvania by an amateur photographer.

Honestly we were speechless when we were sent these two photos. Please suggest some captions for us. This is the crazy random stuff that goes wild on the internet, but we have no idea what to say.

It’s been 10 years since 9/11, and eight years to the day since “Mission Accomplished”, but justice was finally served. Osama Bin Laden is dead. While the world may not be any safer for the fact, it is still hard not to breath a sigh of relief. For many of us September 11th, 2001 will be the day we never forget. Yesterday is a day we should remember with solemn resolve. As Americans we tend to have a short attention span. Not this time.  We said we would “Never Forget” and we didn’t.

Still, there are some conflicting emotions. Though at first we may all want to fire up the Toby Keith CD and rejoice in finally getting our man, the sad fact is that we would just as soon have never heard of Osama Bin Laden. The name will forever be tied to the most horrific day in US history (at least during our lifetime). The world irrevocably changed for us that day. Thousands of innocent people died for an extremist religious ideology of which most of the victims were blissfully unaware. The families of the fallen may take some solace in the news that the perpetrator is gone. They cannot do so without first remembering the horrible loss that he created. The loss of safety which we had taken for granted, the loss of family or friends, and most importantly the loss of our illusion of being untouchable on American soil.

April 30th went a long way to lend closure to 300 million Americans. While we spend the day trying to resolve a sense of pride and a sense of loss, let us not forget that the war will go on. TerrorIslam now has a martyr. They will be even further solidified in their fight to bring us to our knees. We too must tighten our resolve to continue our vigilence against enemies of freedom around the world.

Let those enemies be forewarned though. There is nowhere over time and place that we will stop the American people from seeking justice. Since the late 70′s, I can recall seeing footage of Iran chanting “Death to America”! Infidel Nation’s own beloved “Bumble” often replies to haters with his own version of the phrase.

Today, we at Infidel Nation are taking a break from our usual inane humor to give Bumble a chance to use his catch phrase with a poignant sense of pride. I think it will ultimately resonate with the deepest feelings of most Americans today. We are a nation of Infidels, and we embrace all that comes with it. Let’s join Bumble today in one final chant to Osama Bin Laden. If you want to share Bumble with friends, family and on Facebook, please feel free.

Dear Wii Fit,

A few years ago at Christmas, Bumble received a gift of fitness in the form of what appeared to be a bathroom scale programmed by some snarky Japanese people. After hooking it up, Bumble was excited about the chance to shed a pound or two. Afterall, Bumble is mostly an inside cat and also prone to holiday weight. Here’s a before photo of me taking my morning bath in the sink. Admittedly, it’s not all fur.

So you can see why Bumble was cautiously optimistic about the inferred promises made by the Wii Fit. Sure it never explicitly says you will lose weight, but trust Bumble there are no fatties on the packaging. After having his humans hook it up, Bumble hopped on the scale to create his Mii avatar.

It started out promising enough, though a bit embarrassing nonetheless. Bumble in fact made the humans turn away for this part.

At this point, Bumble was subjected to what can only be described as the intentional infliction of emotional distress. First Bumble was put through a physical exam to test his dexterity and balance. Clearly this was not designed for cats, but Bumble is used to making do. Still he was shocked to find that the evil machine determined he had the fitness level of a 72 year old… HUMAN!!! Bumble is a three year old cat, you insolent bastards! Then to his horror the Mii became, well FATTER!

After sobbing for a few moments, Bumble decided it was time to make a change and dedicated himself to using the Wii Fit every day. He slept on it. He rubbed against it. Occassionally, he even trod across it. Still NOTHING! After two years Bumble is still, well uh pleasantly plump. Frankly, he at least expected to look more anime or something!!! Enough is enough. Bumble wants his money back! Pronto! Refund Bumble now or he will spend the next two years weeing on your Wii.

Sincerely,

R Bumble

Cat at Large

Easter Sunday is the day that Christ rose from the dead. Somehow this is celebrated with colored eggs, a bunny, and chocolate effigies of said bunny. How in the world does all of that fit together?

Why don’t we take our kids to the mall to have their picture taken with ghost Jesus? Bumble searched and searched but nowhere in the Bible can he find any record that Jesus loved eggs. In fact, there is little said at all about his preference in cuisine. Besides, even if he did love eggs what would be the point of hiding them on him? That makes no sense. The guy comes back from the dead and you people punk him by hiding all the eggs? That is beyond mean!

Clearly there is some strange mix of traditions here that have nothing to do with each other. Could it be that somewhere along the way the true meaning of Easter Sunday was corrupted by gross capitalism? Could someone be waging a dun dun dun… WAR ON EASTER!!!

You be the judge…

Fact 1: Our children are fatter than they have ever been. Yet we still insist on giving them colored plastic eggs full of candy on Easter. In fact, we color them brightly so the fat little turds won’t get too winded waddling around looking for them! Frankly, they could use the exercise! Maybe we’d be better off using camouflage eggs filled with Dexatrim pills.

Fact 2: Despite the second commandment about not making graven images, Easter is full of them! Graven images of rabbits are molded from cheap, waxy chocolate. They are overpriced and yet you feel compelled to purchase them in mass quantities and distribute them to children. And let’s not forget to mold our nasty butter into a gross room temperature lamb shape. Nothing says “Thanks for beating death for us” like taking the time to mold butter into farm animal shapes.

Jesus was the lamb, but not of Butter!

Fact 3: Thousands of men dress up as an army of Easter Bunnies and invade our malls. They wear outfits so creepy that on any other day you would have them reported as pedophiles and run screaming for the hills. Yet on Easter you happily hand your tot to them and pose for a picture?!

Fact 4: On any other day if the President were seen listening to a giant rabbit we would impeach him instantly. Neverthless, one day a year the Commander in Chief holds council with some fruitcake in a giant (creepy) rabbit outfit. You won’t find any pictures of the President with Jesus, but you can find pictures of almost every President with the Easter Bunny!

This Washington Insider has counciled EVERY President!

Now Bumble did say you could be the judge on whether there is a War on Easter, but come on! There IS clearly a War on Easter! Bumble for one will not have it! How dare some stupid bunny steal zombie Jesus’s spotlight! Bumble declares Jihad! Jihad on the War on Easter! Fox News are you with me??? Of course you are…

If Hannity says it, you know it's true!

While many of the best humor bloggers like David Thorne, Allie Brosh, or The Oatmeal’s Matthew Inman can afford to take weeks between posts for book tours, life, or creative recharging, Bumble cannot! Bumble is still a fledgling online humorist and needs to keep his loyal followers (at least 12) abreast of funny events. Unfortunately, as Bumble is a cat, he is reliant on a stupid human to type for him. When this insipid man is unable to type, the whole machine grinds to a halt! Bumble recently had to suffer through an online silence period of nearly a month because said human was wounded. Here is the eyewitness account of why Infidel Nation has not had a new post in over a month.

March 6th, 2011 (The last post)

Daddy decided it would be fun to write about how ridiculous and competitive he and Mommy become when March Madness bracket season rolls around. The post itself was mildy amusing at best and certainly nothing that spelled “imminent doom”. Sadly it was true, Mommy and Daddy are insane about their brackets.

March 14th, 2011

After three days of research, Mommy declared her bracket suitable for submission. She promptly began talking smack to Daddy about her inevitable first place finish in the bracket pool.

Daddy spends approximately 35 minutes filling out his bracket and quietly submits it while hoping to silence Mommy’s taunting.

Bumble fills out his own bracket using his secret mystical formula and amazing prophetic powers.

March 17th and 18th

Bumble waits impatiently for Daddy to get back to blogging. Instead, he spends two straight days watching college basketball with Mommy. Highlighters, red pens and bracket printout’s clutter the coffee table. With each game they are scrutinized and a game of “I’m not really taunting you” begins between the humans. At this point Bumble is in last place in the pool. Nevertheless Bumble has faith in his amazing prophetic powers.

March 19th THE INCIDENT

Louisville falls to Morehead State. Daddy loses a few potential points, but Mommy is the first to lose a Final Four team. In fact she had them playing for the national championship. Really Mommy??? Lousiville???

From his perch on the back of the couch Bumble witnesses the crippling event. As the final buzzer in the Louisville game sounds, Mommy’s face is a contorted mask of contemptuous disgust. Daddy crosses off several lines on her bracket. Bumble can see that he is trying hard not to smile too much.

Daddy tries to say something comforting like “Now you know it’s early. Nobody is picking this tournament well. It’s a mess this year.”

Mommy is not placated. She seems virtually inconsolable.

Daddy for some reason gets an idea. Bumble can almost see it formulating in his feeble human mind. He approaches Mommy on her couch. Then, inexplicably he decides to tickle her feet. As if the mortifying loss of your 2nd best bracket team can be tickled away. Mommy does not react well. She begins to flail with her feet wildly in what can only be described with a picture.

No! I will not be consoled!!!

Daddy is too slow to evade the aggressive kung fu monkey on back defense. His left hand is struck with a tiny yet potent foot. The next second goes in slow motion. Bumble watches three fingers on Daddy’s left hand get crumpled back in a ball. Daddy staggers away holding his hand. Mommy laughs uncontrollably.

Daddy tries hard not to cry, but tears form in his eyes.

Mommy stops laughing abruptly. Bumble rolls on the floor nearly peeing himself.

The rest of the night is spent with Daddy icing his hand and Mommy looking very apologetic.

March 20th THE AFTERMATH

After a night of hoping for the best, Daddy has to admit he is injured. He finally taps out with only an hour left before the urgent care facility closes. Mommy and Daddy rush around and dart out the front door. Bumble waits for hours anticipating their return. Bumble of course assumes Daddy is just a sad wussy and nothing is seriously wrong.

Mommy and Daddy return later that day. Daddy looks crestfallen. Mommy’s face is a picture of remorse. And then Bumble sees it. On Daddy’s hand is a horrible contraption that will spell an unwanted break for Bumble from blogging.

Work Stoppage

Apparently, Daddy suffered a fracture in his wee little fragile pinkie! Daddy is unsympathetic to any inconvenience this will cause to Bumble! Bumble hears words like Orthopedist, but ignores the conversation and cleans himself angrily about the tail region.

March 26th, 2011

Mommy is virtually eliminated from the bracket pool. Daddy and Bumble are still alive and have several winning scenarios still possible for each. Daddy has resisted numerous requests by Bumble to blog using the “hunt and pecker” keyboarding method. He is offended by the mere notion and thinks Bumble called him a pecker.

April 1st, Bumble Hates a Stranger (no fooling)

The winners and losers in the bracket pool (and college basketball) are becoming more evident. Daddy rests in 2nd place. Bumble and Mommy are tied for 20th place. Mommy can finish no higher than where she is. But Bumble can still win if his unlikely pick for national champions pans out. A cursed stranger known only as “Jenine Bracket” sits atop the standings. Bumble hates this person on sheer principle.

As of April 1st...

April 4th, Bumble Wins! Bumble Wins!

The Uconn Huskies win the national championship! Bumble zooms to first place and claims the bracket pool prize (non-monetary of course). Daddy (still crippled) finishes a respectable 5th. Mommy however finishes a sad 21st. She has only beaten two others: “angry pissed off rednecks” and “Ginger Kid”.

As household champion, Bumble puts his bracket in the place of honor (on the fridge) where it will remain enshrined for the next 365 days.

April 17th, Daddy finally gives in to hunt and pecking!

After weeks of chastising, cajoling, and threatening, Daddy finally agrees to take dictation for Bumble and a new post is born. Bumble also announces new rules for next year’s tournament viewing.

1. Mommy and Daddy must maintain a distance of 5 feet away from each other during all game watching.

2. Under no circumstances is anyone to be tickled!!!

3. As reigning Champ, Bumble reserves the right to change the rules next year at any given moment, leap onto Mommy or Daddy and extract a toothy consolation prize in human flesh should he lose.