Many of you have been wondering just where the heck Bumble went after Christmas. Was Bumble’s New Year’s Resolution to never blog again? Nope. Unfortunately, Bumble has spent nearly a month in a heated legal battle with an insolent subversive goat! On New Year’s Eve, General Jorge Cabra left Bumble’s farm. As if that were not bad enough, the stupid goat started his own blog to give away trade secrets acquired while “working” for Bumble.

To kick off 2010, Bumble received a “Cease and Desist” letter from the aforementioned ingrate. The thrust of the document stated that Bumble had to stop both BLOGGING and playing FARMVILLE! Imagine!

Being a black Persian cat, Bumble quickly secured the help of a legendary litigator to help in his cause.

Who told you to use a bomb?!? Who uses a bomb? What is a bomb anyway?

After several weeks of negotiation, and one failed attempt to um make the problem go away General Cabra and Bumble have reached a resolution. Bumble is once again allowed to play FarmVille and maintain his blog.

The concession is … Bumble has to link to the damn goat’s blog. So in the name of “due diligence” please check out the infidel goat’s blog by clicking on the picture of this chupacabra. May he find General Jorge to be tasty!

Bumble wishes you well GOAT!

Editor’s note from Daddy: In the interest of Team Longo not going through more legal battles… The official site is farmvilldailyworker.com. Also, as required we will be displaying an advertisement on Infidel Nation until further notice.

As reported earlier, Bumble did have a Chupacabra encounter several years ago. As promised, Bumble spent Halloween night camped out and waiting to pounce on the heathen dog beast. Since the creature is known to enjoy the blood of goats, Bumble insisted that his FarmVille goat Jorge accompany him this year. Jorge in turn insisted that Javier the migrant worker join him as well. Bumble now brings you the tale of a cat, a FarmVille goat and a hired hand who chose to tempt fate this past Halloween and undertake… “Operation Chupacabra”! Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!!!!

Around dusk, Javier built a small barricade of hay bales. This provided us with a perfect place to hide and wait for the demon dog.

Bumble may have fibbed a bit to the goat...

Bumble was pretty wired after weeks of watching Rocky IV and preparing for an altercation with the Chupacabra.

Primal predatory instincts honed from generations of evolution kicked into gear. Bumble’s senses were on red alert, every sound resonating that much louder, every smell that much smellier.

Never, ever give a goat Red Bull on a covert op!

It was early in the night when we had our first scare, err encounter.

Death from above!

From the sky we could hear the fluttering of wings. Undoubtedly the leathery, slimy wings of El Chupacabra rising from the Pumpkin patch to claim his bloody prize! The goat tensed, Bumble released his claws. Javier, well Javier just kind of stood there oblivious. Suddenly without warning the great beast descended on us! Instinct took over and Bumble instantly prepared for battle.

Fight or flight

False alarm, it was just a stupid owl. Death to owls! Several hours passed. Then several more. It began to get chilly in the Pumpkin patch. At about 3 am, Bumble retired to his pumpkin and left Jorge and Javier to stand watch. Bumble finally fell asleep despite their chattering on in Spanish.

General Fransisco Franco is still dead!

Just before daybreak Javier knocked on Bumble’s pumpkin lid. We could all hear a great and terrible rustling a few yards away. Bumble leaped from his pumpkin and readied for battle!

Apologies to Charles M.

Weeks of preparation came down to this one moment. With the moon behind him, the giant goat sucking beast reared its head!!!

El Chupacabra...?

What the duck?!

Not surprisingly, El Chupacabra has once again chosen to fear Bumble! The closest Bumble came was an owl, a retarded duck, and a balding kid with a blanket. Another night in the pumpkin patch and still the cowardly goat sucker will not return. Someday Bumble will get you…

Until next year… Death to Chupacabras!

Halloween is a rough time of year to be a black cat. Mommy and Daddy insist that I stay inside because people get weird around black cats this time of year. Something about M-80′s. Bumble is not fond of captivity. Two years ago, Bumble escaped on Halloween night only to regret his insolence.

It was a dark and stormy night. Actually, it was unseasonably warm. Some children came to the door begging for candy, and Bumble bolted. Mommy screamed, but Bumble kept his head down and ran for sweet freedom. He had been locked in the house for days. The night was relatively uneventful until about midnight. Bumble spent the early evening howling at children and generally trying to look spooky. Around midnight, Bumble heard a rustling in some leaves behind him. Glancing back he saw what can only be described as the unholy goat sucking Chupacabra.

Bumble did what any upstanding militant black panther cat would do. He shrieked like a kitten, and scampered up the nearest tree. Bumble must have been 25 feet in the air before he turned and looked back. El Chupacabra sniffed at the base of the tree and growled. Bumble threw back his ears and yelled “Death to you stupid Chupacabra!”. After a moment it skulked off into the darkness. Bumble was safe.

Little help!

Unfortunately, Bumble had not really plotted an exit strategy. Bumble tried to back down slowly, but only got a foot or so before reconsidering.  Safe from the devil’s dog, Bumble was now stuck in a tree on Halloween. Bumble did what any good militant black Persian cat would do. He howled at the moon.

It was at least an hour before Bumble heard Daddy calling him from the road. Stupid human tried to get Bumble to jump for it. No sir. After much cursing, Daddy returned with Mommy and an extension ladder. As grateful as Bumble was to be rescued, Bumble still felt it necessary to scratch and hiss. Nevertheless, Bumble was eventually returned to home around 2 am.

The Chubacabra was long gone. Some say there is no such thing. Bumble knows differently. He has seen the infidel dog-beast face to face. Only something as terrifying the Chupacabra could account for Bumble treeing himself on Halloween night. This year Bumble plans to redeem himself. Bumble will wait up all night on the deck for the beast to return. This time there will be no running. Bumble is not a kitten now. He is the fiercest alpha predator of the yard! Bring it on Chupacabra! Bumble will drag your corpse onto television and end the debate once and for all!

Editors Note (From Daddy).

Two years ago Bumble did indeed run away on Halloween night. At about midnight, I realized he was still outside. Given that people do mess with black cats, I grabbed a flashlight and went looking for him. As I called to him, he responded with a terribly pathetic cry for help. He wailed and wailed until I climbed a ladder to rescue him. There is nothing quite like walking down the road late on Halloween carrying an extension ladder and a black cat. I have no idea what scared him up the tree. I suspect it was a 6 year old with a glow stick. The next day he came up with the Chupacabra story after seeing an episode of Monsterquest.

A few months ago Bumble met a new colleague. Technically this fellow is higher in the corporate hierarchy, so in effect is one of Bumble’s many bosses.

Death to Amphipods, Krill and Prawns!

On the corporate food chain, Bumble is somewhere between plankton and killer whale. Several organization charts show Bumble differently. Bumble digresses for a future post.

The new bloke is definitely a killer whale. He Is quite a funny fellow from New Zealand. In fact, he’s been very straightforward, helpful and at times inspiring, while still managing to be somewhat of a jackass. In short, very similar to Bumble. He is also quite large so we’ll call him “Jiff” to preserve Bumble’s plausible deniability should he ever see this.

For quite some time Jiff has been calling Bumble “Drongo”. Since it does rhyme with Bumble’s last name Bumble innocently assumed it was just a mocking nickname based on that alone.

Bumble was wrong!

For the last two days Bumble has been sequestered in a cubicle pod with big Jiff from New Zealand, an Indian, a Brit, three

Death to International Nerd Fests!

American software developers, and an IT ninja from Canada. If you ever get the chance to spend time pent up in a 20 x 20 foot room with a similar united nations of nerds, do yourself a favor. Nibble on a shotgun barrel instead.

This morning Jiff again called Bumble “Drongo”. Nothing new but this time the Brit chuckled. In Bumble’s experience Brits, in particular this one, do not chuckle.

Bumble: What’s so funny?
British Wanker: You don’t know what Drongo means do you?
Bumble: I assumed it was just a play on my name.
British Wanker: hahahaha
New Zealand Tosser: hahahahahaha
Americans: huh?

Bumble googled it while the filthy slappers soiled themselves at his expense.

drongo

noun- a stupid, inept, awkward or embarrassing person, a dimwit or slow witted person, a fool.

An Australian word, which is derived from a type of bird of that name. It was observed by Australians as acting rather crazily.

Bumble did a little further research. Maybe at least the bird was cool. Sadly it is crazy, and has several Bumble like traits.

Death to you Hawk Eagle!

The Greater Racket-tailed Drongo shown here has a reputation of being aggressive and fearless. It will attack much larger birds including raptors. These birds have also been known to attack people walking near or below an active nest.

Unfortunately, since Bumble answered to “Drongo” for four months, he really can’t argue that he wasn’t a drongo. To make it worse, Bumble has no recourse at work since big Jiff is also the Human Resources guy.

So as it is rare that anyone gets the upper hand on Bumble there is really only one thing to do. Bumble tips his cap to big Jiff. You won this round.

Cheers Mate!

And now to plot sweet, sweet revenge…

Back in ’97 Bumble spent a brief stint in law school at the University of Richmond. Overall this entire experience could be dubbed “The autumn of Socratic Method & Platonic Love”.

After just a few months, Bumble had a series of epiphanies.

1. It would cost about $100,000 to finish law school and hopefully land a job making $40k a year.

Instincts Bumble lacked.

2. If Bumble continued through law school, the best case scenario ended with Bumble as a lawyer! There was no hope of ending up a pornstar, basketball player or anything fun at all.

3. $100 grand is a lot of money to become something that is no fun.

4. Half the point of going through law school was for Bumble to be able to say he was a lawyer. Turns out you can say it for free, you just can’t actually be a lawyer.

5. Even Bumble wasn’t nasty enough to be good at being a lawyer.

So after much soul searching, Bumble decided to quit law school, save $100 grand and just say he was a lawyer. In fact for about $50 you can even get a document that says you are a lawyer.

What a savings!

Now Bumble was not nearly the only 1L to reach the decision to leave. In fact, students dropped like flies. Bumble gives all the credit in the world to attornies for sticking through law school though.

But now to the curious case of Adam, the person with the best reason ever for dropping out. Adam started the semester with Bumble. Being a smoker like Bumble, Adam and Bumble became acquainted quickly.

There are a couple things you need to know about Adam. When Bumble met him, Adam was in a wheelchair. At about age 14 Adam was in a car accident which left him about 80% paralyzed from the waist down on one side and 90% on the other. Basically the accident had left him a paraplegic since age 14.

He could drive in his handi-capable truck, and was lucky enough to be independent. He could use special poles to

Let's get it on!!!!

support himself as he maneuvered in and out of his vehicle.

Adam was the self proclaimed token cripple of the new aspiring law students. He was about a 2.0 student in college but placed really well on his LSAT’s. Not as well as Bumble of course, but his score + wheels was enough to get him into law school.

Bumble could tell right away that Adam was smart but not really motivated. He had a settlement from the accident and came to law school just to see if he could do it. So it wasn’t a huge surprise when he stopped showing up.

After about six weeks he just stopped rolling into school. Bumble gave him a call, and the conversation went something like this…

Bumble: Dude, where have you been?

Adam: Well, it’s the most amazing thing. I was taking a shower two weeks ago and suddenly I could feel it.

Bumble: Feel what?

Adam: You know, “it”! I haven’t felt it since before the accident.

Bumble: Ohhhh. Ewwww! So uh..

Adam: Yeah it’s a miracle. I haven’t even thought about anything else. Just been going at it like a zoo monkey ever since!

Bumble: Click.

You get the picture.

So there you have it, the best reason ever to quit law school. Abandoned it for a journey of self discovery. Bumble heard from Adam just one more time after that. He just wanted to let me know that after being crippled at 14, and ten years of no feeling in “IT”, he had finally gotten deflowered. Congrats to him. Adam, wherever you are, Bumble hopes you are still living the dream!