Limo and valet parking available!

The red carpet is laid out and at this very moment Ryan Seacrest is on E! interviewing bedazzled actresses. They have starved themselves for months to squeeze into a size zero dress that costs more than your car. All for the edification of we the fat movie goers, watching them and critiquing them in our sweat pants from the safe anonymity of our couches. Shame on us. Not! This is the ultimate night to make fun of the glamorous Hollywood elite that we all wish to be.

With that in mind, here is a super fun game to play whether you are at an Oscar party or just being forced to watch the show with your spouse.

IHOP Incident Waiting to Happen

In just a matter of hours at least one starlet currently in a size zero dress will be able to eat again. She will run to the nearest IHOP and immediately down a gallon of syrup. Finally free from the starvation leading up to the red carpet she will spike the empty gallon and bellow “BRING ME BACON!!!”.

Which Oscar attendee is most likely to create an IHOP incident? Place your bets now folks! This is as good as it gets for the unglamorous on Oscar night.

Early favorites thus far include…

Cheryl Hines - You can eat again soon honey!

Mila Kunis - Please feed me!!!!

Shaun Robinson - I WANT BACON!!!

#10 – Jesse Ventura will claim that his show “Conspiracy Theory” was canceled because of a giant government conspiracy.

To be honest Bumble couldn’t even find out if the show was canceled. That shouldn’t stop the Governor from crying conspiracy anyway.

#9 – 3D TV will die.

Sorry if you bought one, but the novelty will be long gone by the end of 2011. It’s too expensive for the masses to get behind so you are likely going to be left holding the bag on your 3D Tv.

#8 – Natalie Portman will win the Best Actress Oscar.

Bumble hasn’t seen  Black Swan yet. Nor does he intend to see it. But it seems like exactly the artsy fartsy stuff that wins people Oscars.  Plus, whenever an actor gains or loses a significant amount of  weight, they seem to have an inside track to Oscardom. It will be the academy’s darling picture especially given it was originally a limited release. In other words, the masses weren’t supposed to appreciate it but they did. The academy loves pictures that weren’t intended for mass consumption.

#7 – SyFy will end 2011 devoid of Science Fiction except for Dr. Who.

After canceling Stargate Universe and Caprica what’s left that really counts as Science Fiction? Other than Dr. Who? Not much. It seems SyFy is determined to become the ghost channel or something. Whatever it intends on doing you can be sure there will be less and less science fiction being added to the schedule.

#6 – American Idol will carry on strong.

It sounds crazy right? Simon, Kara, Paula, and even Ellen are gone? How can this show go on without them? Simple. It’s never really been about the judges. The show has always been about the performers evolving right in front of our eyes. Yes, America will miss Simon most but nobody is irreplaceable on the show when it comes to judges. Ryan Seacrest is arguably the most important cog in the machine because he keeps things moving on schedule (most of the time). With Ryan back, and an endless supply of idiots lining up to “audition” and 12 as of yet unknown hidden gems with underdog stories, this show will keep rolling right along.

#5 – Twitter will report a death and everyone will assume its a hoax only to find out that for once it was real.

If you haven’t noticed there have been a lot of Twitter deaths lately. Recent victims include Aaron Carter, Charlie Sheen, Owen Wilson and Adam Sandler. All are of course alive and well. Given the desensitization due to the fake deaths on Twitter it seems likely that 2011 will include a “boy who cried wolf” scenario.

#4 – The Cleveland Show will outlast your favorite show.

Bumble doesn’t understand it either but The Cleveland Show was renewed. Maybe Seth MacFarlane has something on Fox. There must be some reason that this show outlasted Flash Forward, The Gates, Medium, Caprica, and Stargate Universe right? Affirmative action perhaps?

# 3 – Matt LeBlanc will have the last laugh.

With his new Showtime show ” Episodes” set to premier on January 10th, LeBlanc will finally rid himself of “Joey” and laugh all the way to the bank. Matt gets to play himself in this one which will allow him to make fun of himself, and shoot a little on what its been like to be Joey for the last 16 years. In 2011 Matt can finally answer the incessant “how you doin?’s with a successful show of his own.

#2 – Facebook will make changes that piss off it’s users.

Bumble isn’t really going out on a limb here. Unfortunately, Facebook has to make improvements and updates to secure it’s users confidential information. One day this year you will be irritated to find your news feed again looking screwy.

#1 – NBC’s “The Cape” will be a flop.

If there’s one sure thing when making TV predictions it is to bet against NBC. This show looks to be a ridiculous attempt at making a “Heroes” type vehicle on NBC. The best thing it has going for it is Keith David who once played a sidekick to Rowdy Roddy Piper in “They Live”. That doesn’t bode well. Bumble wouldn’t get too engrossed in this show as it’s likely to be canceled pretty quickly. It does make one wonder just what kind of shows NBC turns down.

It’s been 6 months since Syfy launched B Movie Mogul, a voting contest designed to let viewers dictate the plot of a Syfy original movie. What started as a seemingly cool idea instead turned into a weak “choose your own adventure” style poll contest. Rather than open things up to the public, Syfy instead listed limited ideas on which users could vote. It’s a shame since most viewers of Syfy are more creative than the channel’s writers.

Nevertheless, Bumble promised you a review of where the process stands. Without further adieu here is a brief summary of what six months of progress looks like for B Movie Mogul.

June 26th Syfy announces the creation of B Movie Mogul.

June 27th Bumble realizes Syfy was too slow to buy bmoviemogul.com and immediately acquires it. Demands are issued later that day for it’s release.

August Syfy proposes three initial movie “concepts” and begins voting. Options include Roswell Alien Movie, 2012 Apocalypse Movie, and Bermuda Triangle. Sigh. Really, they didn’t think to let users/viewers submit ideas?

November 18th After 3 months of voting nearly 20,000 fans weigh in. The winner is Roswell. Directing the film will be Jason Connery (son of Sean Connery). The loose concept for the film:

Another spaceship crash lands in Roswell, New Mexico, and a dangerous alien creature escapes. Authorities soon realize there is something under the earth in Roswell that has been attracting spacecraft since 1947, and maybe even before. Now they have to uncover that secret while they hunt and kill the creature.

December Syfy starts asking viewers to weigh in on the following deeply critical plot points. The polls will be rolled out two at a time and the results will be announced early in 2011.
The polls themselves are uninspired and really show just how formulaic Syfy has become in it’s movie making process. The options given to viewers are even more cliche.

It seems like anyone could come up with more creative ideas than the choices given to viewers. Bumble has decided that in the interest of syience he will post his own polls.  Below are the actual questions and answers being used by Syfy with one extra option added by Bumble. Vote for your favorite ideas, or add your own. Together we can do better than Syfy (ambitious indeed).

Take Our Poll

Take Our Poll

Take Our Poll

Take Our Poll

Take Our Poll

Take Our Poll

I am so disappointed in you young ladies!

Lately Bumble has noticed there are quite a few shows on TV about New Jersey females. What gives? What makes the women of New Jersey so compelling? Is it that they are orange? Perhaps. Is it their flair for flair? Maybe. Is it that they are all red blooded American whores? You betcha!

Just when did this fascination with fake orange breasts begin? Bumble can trace it’s roots back to Carmella, Adriana, and Meadow. Since the end of The Sopranos at least 4 “reality” shows featuring New Jersey bimbettes have graced the airwaves. Carmella never would have stood for this! She represented all that was good about the female New Jersey elite. Carmella was a good Catholic, turned a blind eye to her husbands ahem affairs, and supported the economy with a plethora of black and gold credit cards.

Somehow all that was good about New Jersey wives in the Sopranos was lost in translation when applied to Reality TV. Networks instead have chosen to highlight the unwilling matriarch’s worst qualities (bad skin, worse wardrobe) and added a dash of whore (pronounced HOAR). So today we are blessed with at least 4 reality shows featuring badly dressed blinged out MILFS and bad girls. America (and sadly the world thanks to satellite TV) is left with the impression that all New Jersey women are hussies.

Bumble knows what you are thinking… “Not every woman in New Jersey is like that!”

Bumble disagrees. Bumble has been to New Jersey and  god bless them but they are the sluts of the east coast.

Besides if it’s on TV and it’s called “Reality” then this must really be what New Jersey is like. Don’t believe Bumble? Let’s take a look at the women of the real New Jersey…

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Bravo

Jersylicious- The Style Network

Jersey Couture – Oxygen

Jersey Shore – MTV

In the interest of “Full Disclosure”, Bumble has never actually watched any of these shows. Even so, one can gauge the slutiness from the commercials and simply flipping by them on the tube. Just a cursory glance and you will undoubtedly see a bimbo on any of these shows.

So given this is reality TV, and if it’s on TV it must be true… well New Jersey is chock full o’sluts. Apologies to anyone that is a female in New Jersey and thinks she isn’t a whore. It’s probably just because you aren’t as slutty as your friends. Trust Bumble though, in Iowa you would be a “ho”. Nothing wrong with that! America loves you Snooki and Bumble does too.

Yikes! I need an adult!

Recently Bumble and infidelnation.com (a pop culture/humor blog) acquired the domain BMovieMogul.com. Even more astonishing than the domain’s availability is that Bumble is a cat. Yes, a cat is now sitting on the domain in the midst of SyFy & IGN’s campaign for a user generated original movie.

Keep in mind, Bumble is very much willing to part with the domain should SyFy and IGN be interested. A short list of the uh terms for acquisition are listed at bmoviemogul.com for now. Bumble is also not at all interested in being attacked by a Dino-Attorney. Bumble acquired the domain fair and square on the 26th of June. The day after voting began on IGN.com.

Honestly, Bumble has no idea what to do with it. Help before Bumble gets in trouble!

Please take a moment to leave us a suggestion in the comments and/or fill out our poll.

B Movie Mogul - The B is for Bumble

In June,  SyFy and IGN launched B Movie Mogul to allow SyFy viewers to contribute ideas to an upcoming SyFy original movie. Bumble was impressed! But after searching and searching for the site Bumble became frustrated. Where the heck was B Movie Mogul anyway?

As it turns out, it appears that SyFy and IGN made a cardinal error in the world of the internet. They forgot to buy the domain bmoviemogul.com. Sadly for them, Bumble had $15 and recognized an opportunity.

Bumble is not one to stand in the way of progress. Particularly as it relates to the creation of bad science fiction movies generated by the masses like a giant mad-lib.

Bumble was also not born yesterday, so though Bumble is willing to negotiate for the release of this domain there are certain demands which are not negotiable.

• Bumble shall require a producer credit as “Executive Feline Producer”
• Bumble shall be invited to the premier particularly if it is red carpet. Bumble loves scratching up red carpets.
• Kara Thrace (Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica) must be Bumble’s escort to the premier!
• A part in the movie! That’s right, Bumble is getting his screen debut out of this. This has to be a non-speaking part of course as Bumble is a cat.
• Acceptable parts include:
  • Sole surviving character in the film
  • Extravagent death scene. Must not actually kill Bumble. Sorry stunt cat.
  • Hitchcock like walk on part
  • Non-Speaking Feline Male Romantic Lead
• Blu-Ray or DVD box sets of Merlin and Stargate Universe. These should be delivered every season and complete sets at the finale of the the series.

Wear this outfit to the premier!

Additionally, Bumble want’s his $15 back for the domain and possibly in excess of a few thousand or million dollars. Bumble is willing to negotiate on financials. However, the above demands are non-negotiable. Particularly Kara Thrace.

Should SyFy instead seek to acquire the domain back through legal channels be forewarned. Bumble has retained the services of Saul Goodman as his representation. Bumble brought him a dead mouse which legally constitutes a retainer.

Bumble anxiously awaits contact from SyFy. Until then, for those of you that were looking for a poll here ya go…

Update: It’s November and still no contact from SyFy. Perhaps they are busy with integrating Sharktopus into Friday Night Smackdown…

The Syfy channel announced the launch of it’s new “B Movie Mogul” site where fans can pitch ideas for a film in a giant online mad-lib. The resultant cornucopia of corny will be filmed and released next year as a two hour SyFy original movie.

Fans will be able to submit ideas and vote on everything from the title to how the characters die. Spoiler alert, the characters will likely die. The first round of voting will begin Friday June 25th to select an overall direction for the film.

Options will be:

• 2012 Apocalypse Story
• Bermuda Triangle Creature Feature
• Roswell Alien Movie

Bumble loves this idea! A movie can never have too many producers or too much input! The internet has finally been embraced as a vehicle to empower the will of the waffling masses! Yeah! Come and see democracy in action starring Tiffany!

Executives at SyFy are the first corporate geniuses using modern technology to empower John Q. Public to do their jobs for them. Bumble salutes you good sirs!

BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward laments not being as smart as SyFy!

This could lead to a whole “new deal” in America. If this works out, perhaps the government can lay off a few million people and take the vote directly to the people via Twitter! Maybe we will soon vote for referendums in our local government with a “Like” button similar to the one on Facebook! Who knows where this can end? What? George Orwell? Shhhh… you ruin the satire…

I like Ike in 2012?

Anyway, Bumble suspects that once you see the SyFy movie that is generated from the idiot hoard you will know why we need real elections instead of “Like” buttons.

Some very famous and brainy people have always feared a scenario where decisions are made by the whims of the majority rule. What did Alexis de Tocqueville, John Stuart Mill, Friedrich Nietzche, or Alexander Hamilton know about making a movie anyway?

Voting for a SyFy movie online should prove to be an interesting experiment in “mob rule”. Many of the thinkers, philosophers, and madmen listed above advocated representative forms of government precisely because decisions made by majority vote cause the individual’s wants to be actively oppressed. Come on you can stay with Bumble on this. Bumble has faith.

If you ever go out to lunch with coworkers you have experienced the oppression of majority rule. Likely almost everyone wanted to go to lunch at a different place. The inevitable compromise meant everyone had to eat at the least offensive restaurant to the group as a whole. More likely not one single person got to go to their truly favorite eatery. Happiness and group-think are mutually exclusive.

So despite the warnings of some truly enlightened intellectuals Bumble will embrace the tyranny of the majority. He waits with bated breath for the release of SyFy’s insane but entertaining social experiment. Bumble suspects the result will be used as evidence for why we will never hold elections for public office online.

And that's what you end up with when you let stupid people have a say...

First and foremost American Idol is fun. If you aren’t down with that, Bumble has three words for you. Death to you! Now on to the finale. No matter who won tonight at least the winner wouldn’t suck this year. Crystal Bowersox was probably better throughout the season, but Lee managed to win by a slim margin. What happened?

Yeah she probably deserved it a little more... they have a phrase for that person... runner up.

Bumble thinks it has a lot to do with being the underdog/dark horse. It is really, really difficult to win that show as the favorite. Just last year Adam Lambert was the clear standout most of the season and lost to Kris Allen. Both Kris and Lee showed steady improvement all season long. Adam and Crystal were polished from the start. Frankly it gets boring voting for the same person.

Daughtry got knocked out before Eliot Yamin, Katherine McPhee and eventual winner Taylor Hicks. America loves an underdog almost as much as trying to knock someone down a peg. How many votes were cast for Lee because people thought Crystal expected to win?

At least Lee has talent.

This was clearly an upset, but Bumble didn’t realize how much he wanted Lee to win until they announced it. Then Bumble “girl screamed” like a tween at a Justin Beaver concert. Do not judge Bumble! What’s wrong with wanting a guy that clearly didn’t believe in himself to win an election? Some of you voted for “W”… twice!

While the season finale had some highs and lows,  one thing is certain. This show has come light years in respectability from the early years (with guest mentors like Burt Baccarat and Barry Manilow). This season featured songs of Lennon and McCartney, Elvis and the Beatles. The finale included some really big current (Christina Aguilera) and past stars  (Alanis Morissette) as well.

Here is a brief synopsis of the highlights and low lights of the 2 hour fluff show. Incidentally the season finale of American Idol will surpass the series finale of Lost in terms of ratings. What that says about TV audiences is fodder for another Bumble rant.

American Idol Season 9 Finale

The highs:

• Janet Jackson made an appearance AND managed to keep both girls under wraps.
• Lee will release a U2 song.
• Bret Michaels showed up for a duet with Casey James!
• Joe Cocker, Crystal and Lee teamed up for a rendition of Help From My Friends. Very cool.

The Lows:

DAMNIT!

• Janet Jackson made an appearance and kept both girls under wraps.
• The U2 song is Beautiful Day… bleah…
• Chicago… Really??? Chicago? Listen Bumble can understand older artists wanting to reintroduce themselves to new listeners. Bumble was even ok with Hall and Oates and Michael McDonald. But come on Chicago? Was Chicago ever cool?!?
• The 2 remaining Bee gees? Maybe on Glee, not on American Idol. Bumble would rather have seen Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake pretend to be Barry and Maurice. Now that was entertaining.

Talkin bout politics...

Overall the finale was a pretty entertaining hour and fifty nine minutes of filler. Whether or not you think Crystal or Lee should have won, I think we can all agree on one thing. If you aren’t old enough to vote in political elections, you shouldn’t be allowed to vote for important things like American Idol!

There is only one final episode to go folks. The series finale is just around the corner. All our questions will finally be answered. Except perhaps one. What the hell do we watch now?

New and improved! Now with Juliet!

For starters what about rehashed old NBC shows now starring Losties? ABC recently remade the old NBC series V. Of course the special effects are way better and it is of course a whole new generation of viewers. But let’s be real here. It is slotted right after Lost and stars Elizabeth Mitchell (a.k.a. Juliet). Obviously ABC wants us to tune in with Lost regularity.

Needs something original? ABC  offered us FlashForward. We have been watching flash backs, flash forwards and flash sideways on lost forever. Why not just make a show about FlashForwards? Bumble actually thought this was a pretty decent show. It wasn’t Lost, but it did star some familiar Losties like Penny and Charlie. Why is Bumble using the past tense when talking about FlashForward? ABC will not be renewing it! You heard it here first.

How did Bumble not see that coming??? It seems like it was only on for 2 minutes and 17 seconds!

So what the hell will Bumble and ABC do now? Fear not infidels! Bumble has some ideas. It appears that if V can succeed the recipe is simple. Take an old TV show, remake it and add a Lost actor/actress. Voila you have a viable series! With all the talented actors and actresses that have graced Lost over the past 6 season this shouldn’t be too hard.

Here are Bumble’s favorite ideas…

Just because it didn't work for Scott Baio doesn't mean it won't work for Sun and Jin!

8 what? Who cares, it's got two losties in it!

Whacky antics anyone? He can eat enough chocolate to keep the assembly line running, and he sees dead people!

And Bumbles personal favorite…

Eat your heart out Sherwood Schwartz! Frank is way funnier than Bob Denver.

Whatever they come up with, ABC better get cracking soon. We have the Lost finale Sunday and then withdraw symptoms. What is Bumble going to do? Watch CBS for gods sakes? No way! Get moving you ABC execs! If you need help, you know where to find Bumble.

Yup, 5 seasons done and Bumble is still LOST!

On Tuesday, February 2nd the sixth and final season of Lost will begin. That’s at 9pm EST for those of you that cannot help yourselves. The season is slated for 18 episodes, with the series finale to air in May. So what can we expect in the final season?

Well given the propensity of the writers to be wankers, and the fact that the final season begins on Ground Hog Day, Bumble has some thoughts on the matter. Is it a coincidence that they are starting out on Ground Hog Day? Will it mean six more weeks of “WTF was that?!?!” Let’s ask the king of all Groundhogs, Punxatawny Phil.

Ahem. Well it appears the Groundhog has no prophetic powers when it comes to Lost. As a matter of fact the little bastard isn’t that great at predicting spring either! Just once it wound be nice if the furry infidel would go out on a limb and say something like “Nope, Winter is over! You can all take off your snow tires”. Stupid rodent.

Bill should have killed that pompous jackass when he had the chance!

Ummm. Right, Lost. So it starts on Ground Hog day. Something just doesn’t smell right about that. Perhaps it is because Bumble can’t help but think of that movie. You know the one, where Bill Murray wakes up every day and starts all over again.

What if Lost Season 6 starts out like that? No, not with an alarm clock going off and blaring “I Got You Babe”. Though that does have some potential. No, what if Season 6 begins with the plane crashing all over again? Bumble would be devastated.

It is bad enough that there is just no closure in life. If they screw up this series, Bumble doesn’t know what he will do! After over 100 episodes ending with neither an explanation, nor a gratuitous nip slip from Kate that damn show is infuriating! Bumble is emotionally invested now. They better not screw it up like the series finale of Seinfeld. Good lord.

In an effort to help the writers of Lost address some lingering issues and ensure that the payoff is worth it, Bumble humbly offers some suggestions.

First the “Dont’s”

1. Do not forget to explain the infidel SMOKE MONSTER!
2. Please do not tear a hole in the real universe with your incessant flashback-flashforward crappola!
3. Do not even think about having a flash back with Boone or some other second rate season one bit player!

Not a bad idea Frank! Bumble suggests Kate and Juliette.

Now some helpful hints for the brilliant writers of Lost

1. Go out with a “bang”, even if it has to be pay per view. After six years watching scantily clad Evangeline Lilly, Bumble will pay up to $19.99 for an On Demand farewell. For the ladies out there Bumble supposes a similar finale with Sawyer or Jack could be arranged.
2. GOTO 1

Gratuitous sandy Kate Photo...

Actually that’s the only suggestion Bumble has for this infuriating show. Kill them all, don’t kill them all, whatever. Just so there is hot steamy sex for all 18 episodes, and it ends with something explicit. Let’s face it, the plot isn’t what made this show into a huge success. In fact, it was probably successful DESPITE a confusing bunch of quantum physics wannabe nerds writing in their mother’s basements. No offense Frank.

Hello Saywer!

Bumble watches this show for the same reason most males do. Hot, sweaty, sandy, babes stranded on an island. Oh and ladies, don’t even try it. Nobody thinks you care about physics either. Sure you enjoy the flashbacks and the deep plot twists. Will Kate find her true love? Will it be Sawyer or Jack?

Yeah right. You are so into the plot did you happen to notice the relativity equation in the Sawyer picture?

Nope. Bumble rests his case. Whatever happens during the final season, we all want the same thing. End 6 seasons of foreplay with a bang.

It appears as though Bumble has some other business to take care of right now. See you non-rodent types on February 3rd! Death to Ground Hogs!

BRING IT ON RAT!!!