Corn on the 4th of July!

Today is the 4th of July! Bumble hates it! Bumble is not allowed outside on the 4th because of the high ratio of M-80′s to drunk cat haters. It seems like a weird holiday to Bumble. Humans get drunk at noon, eat undercooked clams and then blow stuff up. After dark the now gassy, dehydrated humans assemble in big groups to watch fireworks.

Bumble decided to investigate the history behind this strange tradition. Now, Bumble is what you would call home schooled. That is, he is a cat and therefore not allowed to attend school. Basically the only information available to Bumble is from the internet or The History Channel. Frankly Bumble doesn’t see why we even need schools anymore. Bumble does just fine with Wikipedia and getting his news from The Colbert Report.

Bumble just wanted to warn you that many of these facts may be common knowledge to people that do attend schools. But for Bumble most of this is new and revolutionary! Here is what Bumble found out.

Did you know?

Americans (the fat ones today) were not the first people to live here! Shocking. Apparently there were some people from India here first. That explains all the 7-11′s. They must be the remaining descendents of the original “Americans”, and explains our need to celebrate the 4th with poorly cooked hot dogs.

About 500 years ago white people from Europe started to come here in ships! Again, Bumble was a little surprised. That seems like a long way to go in a boat for a Slushie. If you wanted a Slushie that bad at least book a flight.

The Indians were not very happy when the white people arrived and there were big wars. Wow, that seems like even worse customer service than you get in a 7-11 today. What were those Indians thinking opening 7-11′s five hundred years ago and then not wanting to serve white Europeans?

Who let Texas join?!?

About 200 years ago “America” was only 13 of the current states. Texas wasn’t yet part of it. Why the heck did we ever let them join?! Bumble cannot believe at some point the 13 colonies were saying “we need to add some slow speaking people that think High School Football is a religion”. Obviously they were only allowed to join because they had oil. Death to you Texans!!!

Anyway, the 13 colonies were made up of a hodge podge of people from Europe. And just who ruled them? A British Monarch! Really!

Admittedly this is where it gets a little confusing to Bumble. Apparently there was a great deal of outrage by Americans at being ruled by the British. They are a good sidekick now and everything and do help us in our wars. But the thought of them ruling us is a bit ridiculous. At the time though, they were in charge and made Americans drink Tea! Bleah! The Brits also made us pay taxes and wanted to take all of our natural resources.

We want beer! We want beer!

Of course this led to a revolution! Stupid Brits, Americans are beer drinkers, not tea drinkers! So on July 4th, 1776 Americans declared their independence with a formal declaration! The Revolutionary War was under way! Bumble is all for that kind of thing. Kill whitey! Death to “the man”!  It all seems to make sense now. Beer is the anti-tea! So obviously it is appropriate to drink beer on the 4th and of course blow stuff up.

Halliburton must have provided the Camo.

The Brits as it turned out were severely overdressed for the war. Clothed in the worst camouflage ever, they decided to try to put down the American Revolution. Really? On the fourth of July? When everyone and their Uncle are drunk and armed to the teeth with M-80′s? That doesn’t sound like a good military strategy at all!

Given the disadvantages, the Brits actually managed to make a good showing. Bumble would have thought the whole conflict was fought on the 4th of July. But the war actually lasted from 1776 to 1783.

After years of fighting with the Redcoats the French actually helped the colonies win independence once and for all. The French?!? No, it’s true!

Thank you Lafayette!

Once the French got involved, the British finally realized they had seen it all. So they gave up and went home. Bumble suspects it had more to do with the fact that British soldiers got tired of being forced to walk in straight lines in bright red coats while being shot at by rednecks in the bushes. Nevertheless, to celebrate the 4th it’s tradition to honor the French with French Onion Dip and French’s Mustard on your Hot Dogs.

Finally in 1783 a treaty was signed in Paris finally making America forever free from the British. Never again would we allow the British to take our natural resources, rape the land and tax the heck out of us! Thank god for that!

Sweet freedom! Happy 4th!

Disclaimer from Daddy: I implore you not to cite Bumble in your school papers. Someone recently commented that an article helped them with a school paper. Bumble tries, but citing Bumble is bound to make you the exception to “No child left behind”.

Sometimes ideas for blog posts just come to Bumble, others are thrust upon him.

As per custom, Bumble attended Christmas Eve service with the in-laws. This was year 10 of Bumble attending a Methodist church on Christmas Eve. No, the church does not fall down! Death to you! Ahem… anyway, Bumble digresses.

The annual service at this particular church culminates with the congregation lighting candles and singing Silent Night. It is moving and sounds almost ethereal. That of course is the highlight and finale of the evening. Prior to that, there is an hour and a half of singing, readings, the sermon, collection, and finally communion. No, Bumble does not partake of the Sacrament, but Methodist communion is open to everyone. In theory they are open to giving communion to angry Persian Islamic cats. Bumble still opted not to put theory into practice. Maybe next year.

Bumble is a veteran Christmas Christian now, with a decade attending service at the same church. With that experience comes a natural tendency to compare this year’s service to the previous years’.  There was one highlight this year for Bumble, which was probably a low point for everyone else, but that didn’t come until halfway through the night.

Bumble’s first impression was set when the pastor made his appearance. He was wearing a wireless microphone headset similar to something Justin Timberlake might wear to perform! Bumble honestly thought that was a good sign. I mean, this is the BIG show for the church. Christmas is money time, and Christmas Eve is the Wrestlemania and SuperBowl of Christianity. In short, it doesn’t get any bigger than this! That’s right, Bumble called Christmas Eve the Wrestlemania of Christianity!

Ok, maybe not THAT halftime show...

Time to bring the A game, convert some Christmas Christians to weekly attendees and set the foundation for next year’s bake sales. Granted this was a small church that seated about 400 people. Bumble didn’t expect fireworks, celebrity appearances and guest singers. Still, somewhere in Bumble’s egg nog soaked noggin a spark of hope ignited. Maybe this year would be the spectacle worthy of the church’s equivalent of a Super Bowl halftime show!

The service began with a prayer and then right into the initial hymn. Just a side note, Methodists sing every verse for better or worse. Sadly that last sentence had more rhythm than the congregation. The choir was fine, but the “flock” literally sounded like bleating sheep. Even with the hymnals it seemed nobody knew the words. Bumble kept looking around for Simon Cowell, but tragically the beat went on. It may have helped if the chosen hymns were a little less obscure. Bumble is just sending that out there for next year. Star Child? Really?

Pie-tie? Pity? ummm

After that debacle a teenager wearing ripped jeans and doing his best to look like Edward Cullen did a reading from Luke. Apparently he went to the George W. Bush School of public speaking, because this was painful. He mispronounced piety. Again, this is the SUPERBOWL for you guys right? Maybe someone should have practiced a bit with the kid? Bumble is sure he was nervous, but it truly seemed like there wasn’t even a rehearsal ahead of time. Maybe (hopefully) he was filling in admirably for someone at the last minute. Bumble remains skeptical and judgmental.

Finally, on to the homily. That’s when the Pastor gets his fifteen minutes of fame to pontificate on the season. A good oratory here would at least breath some life into the congregation. In all fairness, Bumble actually enjoyed it. This would be Bumble’s high point, and again the low point for everyone else.

In a rather unconventional start, the pastor used FaceBook as a point of departure. No, really! Bumble wouldn’t go as far as to say FaceBook is bigger than Jesus, but the pastor did suggest Jesus is on FaceBook. The pastor began by explaining FaceBook to the congregation. He briefly described how you can accept or ignore someone with the click of a button. Bumble has to give him credit for trying, but he seemed to lose at least half of the audience. The average age had to be 50.

Then in what can only be described as “a stretch”, he explained accepting Jesus in your life through the context of FaceBook. Bumble really can’t add much to this. Instead we’ll end with Bumble passing along this new chestnut from Christmas Eve, along with the image that formed in Bumble’s head when he heard it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Pastor: “This holiday season if you get a chance to friend Jesus, don’t click ignore.”

ooof, this is awkward... he'll probably know if I ignore him... but we were never that close in high school...

Most families have a pretty established traditional dinner for Thanksgiving. It simply must include turkey. Christmas dinner is much more open to interpretation. The Dickensian version of Christmas dinner is of course figgy pudding and roast goose. Death to Dickens! Who has time for all that? If you happened to have had time to make all that, please invite Bumble over as Mommy has no idea how to make that stuff.

Carving the roast beast!

Ham seems to be a favorite, as well as roast beef and a recurrence of turkey. Bumble tried to nail down a universal standard this time of year, but he simply couldn’t.

Some busy families go for something that can be prepared ahead of time like Lasagna. The truly important part about Christmas dinner seems to be ease in preparation. As opposed to a 4-6 hour ordeal with a mammoth turkey. It’s only natural that after three weeks of shopping, decorating the tree, assembling gifts,  filling out Christmas Cards, and dealing with the excessive crowds dinner is a bit anticlimactic.

That’s ok! Heck, by the point Christmas dinner is served you probably already…

• hate your “loved” ones.
• know that the gifts you got suck and are already calculating their return value on the 26th.
• are really sick of trying to be jolly.
• are drunk on wine and xanax in an effort to numb the experience.
• all of the above.

If like Bumble, you look forward to the booze and a nap more than the actual dinner please consider Bumble’s suggestion for your Christmas menu.

Make Spaghetti! Why, you ask? Simple…

It makes Jesus smile when you eat Spaghetti on his birthday.

Back in 2005, a man named Bobby Henderson created the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (aka Pastafarianism). Originally, this was in protest to a decision by the Kansas State Board of Education requiring the teaching of “Intelligent Design”.  The Flying Spaghetti Monster has become a symbol for atheists world wide since 2005. It illustrates what they view as the arbitrary nature of God. In short, you might as well worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Bumble really does NOT make this stuff up.

The now famous Touched By His Noodly Appendage.

Isn’t it bad enough that Jesus has to compete with a slew of relatively “late to the party” religions like Islam, Judaism,  Buddhism, Hinduism and all the others?

WHAT?!?!?!

Oops, Judaism was first! Bumble apologizes unreservedly. Buddhism, Islam and and Hinduism came later.

WHAT DID CAT SAY?!??

Oh brother. Again, Bumble apologizes. Apparently only Islam came about after Christianity. Nevertheless, both Islam and Christianity have thousands of years of seniority over the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Hopefully we can all agree that we don’t need another religion. We clearly have enough to be confused.  We especially don’t need a four year old made up “anti-religion” church with a semolina and meatball deity!

So put Jesus back in Christmas this year, and eat his nemesis for Christmas dinner. Make some spaghetti for Christ’s sake!.

Christmas to you!

Editor’s Note (from Daddy): We apologize on behalf of the cat if he has offended you, your god, your holiday or well um everyone. Frankly, we gave up a long time ago on Bumble making Santa’s “Nice” list.

Many of you have friends that are addicted to FarmVille on FaceBook. You undoubtedly know who your addicted friends are from the amount of updates you see daily on your wall. Just look at what Bumble’s friends suffer daily (or sometimes hourly).

Bumble never said he wasn't an addict!

If you don’t know anything yet about FarmVille, consider yourself lucky. It is highly addictive, fun and mocked by quite a bit of the FaceBook community. So what do you get this Christmas for your FarmVille addict friends?

First, bear with Bumble as he gives you just a little insight into the workings of FarmVille.

FarmVille addicts can probably agree that nothing is more helpful than getting gifts from their FarmVille neighbors every day. These are little pixelated sheep, chickens, cows and a massive variety of chotchkies for their virtual farm. Anyone that agrees to be your Neighbor can send you one gift per day. Conversely, you can send them gifts once per day as well. These are free to gift, but cost your friend coins if they were to purchase them for themselves. So “Gifting” is a way to help each other move up in the FarmVille world faster. These gifts also keep on giving.

How to send fake animals and livestock to fake farms...

Sending someone a Cow, or Tree in FarmVille gives them a steady income forever after. They can harvest these daily for Milk, Fruit etc. which is worth income. And so the circle of life goes on.

As nice as it is to get virtual livestock in a game, imagine if you were hungry and someone sent you a real goat? It would provide milk, possibly meat, and in the long run could change your entire quality of life.

Real cows for real people!

Enter Heifer International. Heifer is an organization dedicated to providing people in need around the world with sustainable sources of food and income. Heifer International has active projects in 53 countries (from Argentina to Zimbabwe) AND 27 U.S. States.

For as little as $20 you can send a family, village, or community a Flock of Chicks, Ducks or Geese. For $500, you and a group of your friends can send an actual cow. These gifts ultimately provide food and offspring. Part of Heifer’s success story requires recipients to distribute offspring to others in need, thus “Passing on the Gift”. Imagine the pyramid effect this creates in a small community where food is scarce. Sort of a Ponzi scheme for good.

Don’t have $20?

For as little as $10 you can send a share of a goat, pig, trio of rabbits or a share of a tree. You are contributing a share of the cost (not a

Heifer only sends the whole goats (even if you can only afford a share)

piece of a goat). That would hardly be sustainable now would it?

Once you have placed your order, you can send a printable gift card or e-card that you have honored them with a gift from Heifer on their behalf.

This is a huge win/win. For as little as $10 you can…

• Help someone feed themselves not just today, but in days to come!

• Turn the tables and Spam your FarmVille friends for once about goats, pigs and chickens!

• Give a gift with value far exceeding it’s cost for once!

No self respecting FarmVille addict can rebuff you for sending someone in need real livestock on their behalf. So skip the chotchkie or stocking stuffer and make a difference this Christmas.

To visit Heifer’s online Gift Catalog just click the image below or visit www.heifer.org

How to send real trees and animals to real people that need them!

It’s that time of year kiddies! Christmas! Christmas means different things to different people. To Christians it’s a celebration of the birth of Christ. To shoppers it’s the season to give gifts, revive the economy, run up some new debt, and get a truly poor return on investment for every dollar you spend on someone else. Ah, the joy of giving!

It is also a confusing time of year as two massive icons compete for the spotlight. Is Christmas about Jesus and his message, or Santa and his commercial messages? What the heck does a fat Swedish Saint (with at best a questionable fondness for children) have to do with celebrating the coming of the Messiah? Well nothing actually.  Despite that, somehow these two have existed together for years (probably because Jesus is so darn forgiving).

For a great deal of people, Christmas is both a religious holiday and retail shopping extravaganza. Unfortunately, you don’t actually have to believe in Jesus or Santa to participate. Bumble would like to point out, it is a little obvious to hop on the “Jesus bandwagon” just because you get stuff on his birthday. For the record, you are probably not fooling him! But sadly, all you need is cash or available credit to have a yourself a merry little Christmas thanks to Santa.

Don’t get Bumble wrong, Jesus is big this time of year. Church attendance soars on his Birthday. Little children do pageants about his birth in a faraway manger. Christians try very hard to keep him in the forefront of the holiday. Somehow in mainstream America he still ends up second fiddle.

Face it,  Santa is  bigger at this time of year. His impact is felt from main street to wall street. Little kids start getting reminded to be good around Black Friday. Otherwise Santa will give them just a lump of coal if they keep being naughty. Retailers plan their entire yearly profits around the Santa season.

So if the holiday was created to celebrate Jesus the question remains, why is the fat Swede bigger this time of year? His face is everywhere and it’s not even his birthday! The answer is simple…

Superior Marketing

Let’s take an unbiased look at the difference in how both are presented…

This just goes to show the power of marketing. Clearly you don’t have to be the first to market with something to dominate the market share. Heck, Jesus invented Christmas, and Santa is still just better at self promotion and keeping himself in the spotlight.

Bumble can't make this stuff up!

He also has one crack marketing team. The modern Santa image was perfected by a gentleman named Haddon Sunblum for Coca Cola. Haddon also developed two other famous iconic images.

Aunt Jemima and the Quaker Oats man!

Talk about having a team of pros at your disposal.

Santa has also been constantly pitching products. Billy Mays pales in comparison. Bumble will close with just a few of the vintage ads featuring Santa over the years. Imagine the endorsement dollars it takes to employ all those elves.

Some of these are questionable at best.

MILF and Cookies for Santa?

Enjoy that beer little kiddies!

Somke up Johnny!

Santa is a media whore!