Easter Sunday is the day that Christ rose from the dead. Somehow this is celebrated with colored eggs, a bunny, and chocolate effigies of said bunny. How in the world does all of that fit together?

Why don’t we take our kids to the mall to have their picture taken with ghost Jesus? Bumble searched and searched but nowhere in the Bible can he find any record that Jesus loved eggs. In fact, there is little said at all about his preference in cuisine. Besides, even if he did love eggs what would be the point of hiding them on him? That makes no sense. The guy comes back from the dead and you people punk him by hiding all the eggs? That is beyond mean!

Clearly there is some strange mix of traditions here that have nothing to do with each other. Could it be that somewhere along the way the true meaning of Easter Sunday was corrupted by gross capitalism? Could someone be waging a dun dun dun… WAR ON EASTER!!!

You be the judge…

Fact 1: Our children are fatter than they have ever been. Yet we still insist on giving them colored plastic eggs full of candy on Easter. In fact, we color them brightly so the fat little turds won’t get too winded waddling around looking for them! Frankly, they could use the exercise! Maybe we’d be better off using camouflage eggs filled with Dexatrim pills.

Fact 2: Despite the second commandment about not making graven images, Easter is full of them! Graven images of rabbits are molded from cheap, waxy chocolate. They are overpriced and yet you feel compelled to purchase them in mass quantities and distribute them to children. And let’s not forget to mold our nasty butter into a gross room temperature lamb shape. Nothing says “Thanks for beating death for us” like taking the time to mold butter into farm animal shapes.

Jesus was the lamb, but not of Butter!

Fact 3: Thousands of men dress up as an army of Easter Bunnies and invade our malls. They wear outfits so creepy that on any other day you would have them reported as pedophiles and run screaming for the hills. Yet on Easter you happily hand your tot to them and pose for a picture?!

Fact 4: On any other day if the President were seen listening to a giant rabbit we would impeach him instantly. Neverthless, one day a year the Commander in Chief holds council with some fruitcake in a giant (creepy) rabbit outfit. You won’t find any pictures of the President with Jesus, but you can find pictures of almost every President with the Easter Bunny!

This Washington Insider has counciled EVERY President!

Now Bumble did say you could be the judge on whether there is a War on Easter, but come on! There IS clearly a War on Easter! Bumble for one will not have it! How dare some stupid bunny steal zombie Jesus’s spotlight! Bumble declares Jihad! Jihad on the War on Easter! Fox News are you with me??? Of course you are…

If Hannity says it, you know it's true!

For the Ex In Your Life

If not today, when???

???

Happy Valentine’s Day from Infidel Nation!

One weekend I was lying on the couch. For those of you that know me, this will require no suspension of disbelief. My wife was in a playful mood. For no real reason she decided to pounce on me. She launched into the air and landed on my stomach. She caught me quite off guard and I inadvertently let out a sound. It was something along the lines of ugggh or ooof.

Wife: “What the hell was that?”

Me: “I feel like I just got hit by a meteor.”

At this point she started slapping my arms and getting angry. Apparently nobody likes to be compared to a celestial body in quite this way. Now, the best thing I could have done was to probably shut up. Unfortunately, something clever came into my head and crossed my lips before I could stop it.

Me: “Meatier than when I married it anyway!”

You can imagine that the hitting escalated and I spent not only the rest of the day on the couch, but the night as well. The moral here is to just shut up. Sometimes the most clever thoughts are left in your head. I recommend on V-day especially that you refrain from being cute or clever. Get flowers. Get candy. Get a card. If you really, really screw up show her this story.

It’s that time of year when we pause to get drunk and lament what we’ve let ourselves become. Sometime soon you will determine to change your life for the better in 2011. Most likely the inspiration will strike you while poised over a toilet preparing to blow chunks or while standing naked in front of the mirror. It seems for most people life is a series of battles with addictions, vices and weight gain. At least it seems that way this time of year.

Unfortunately, if you are like the millions of New Year’s Resolvers around America you will probably fail to keep your promises to yourself. Let’s be honest. If it was that easy to lose weight, quit drinking or stop being a douchebag you wouldn’t still be doing those things would you? So rather than erode your already fragile self esteem by setting yourself up for failure in 2011, Bumble offers 5 resolutions that anyone can keep. Try these instead of your annual promise to become the perfect human. Pick a couple from below, but whatever you do don’t try all of them!

5. Relax and watch TV- I resolve to watch at least one mindless TV show once a week. This can be anything from Monday Night Raw to American Idol. The only requirement is that the show you pick has to require no thought whatsoever and make your inner child happy for a few precious minutes. Bumble enjoys several shows, and his inner child is never upset. Monday nights is WWE Monday Night Raw night just because it’s fun. You don’t have to like wrestling to find a mindless show to look forward to all week. Just check out SyFy, the USA network or anything on NBC.

4. Laugh once a day – This is actually a pretty challenging resolution. It’s a commitment to at least 365 laughs next year. That can seem daunting, so take it one day at a time. Of course you’ll need some help to pull this off. Bumble recommends that you keep a humor vault handy. He does. Really. It’s a collection of stand up comic DVD’s, YouTube Videos, and bookmarked blogs that never fail to make him laugh. As the end of the day approaches, if Bumble hasn’t already had a good laugh he relies on his vault. What’s in it? Here’s a few examples from Bumble’s vault. They won’t work for everyone but it’s a start.

Sylvester the Cat on YouTube. OMG funny. Bumble can watch these again and again, laughing every time. Thank you Steve Cash!

Brian Regan – Bumble loves Brian Regan. He’s a clean comic, and never fails to make Bumble laugh.

Of course you can always come back here for an irreverent chuckle too!

3. Stand pat on your vices – This year simply resolve to hold on to your vices for one more year. Already a smoker? That’s ok! Just promise yourself you won’t quit. Are you an alcoholic? No problem. Just keep drinking! Here’s where it gets tricky though. You can’t add any addictions or vices this year. It sounds silly but really is it? At one point you weren’t a smoker. Had you resolved to not add any new addictions before that first cigarette you may not be a smoker today. So in 2011 just resolve not to make it worse. If you drink and smoke that’s fine. Just don’t start doing heroine. Already doing H? Ok but no crystal meth for you!  Let 2011 be the year that you stand pat. As long as things don’t get worse you can make a reasonable argument that they are better.

2. Finish something you started (as long as its a box set) – You don’t need to finish everything you started! You just need to finish one thing and you can stand on your metaphorical battleship and decry “Mission Accomplished”. Bumble recommends that your project should involve something easy. For example: “I resolve to catch up on Dexter, Breaking Bad, or Mad Men”. Then all you have to do is add the season to your Netflix queue and you are on your way to fulfilling a goal. Catching up on a show everyone else is talking about will also help you feel included in life. You do want to be part of our society don’t you? So get on the same page with everyone else and start watching whole seasons of TV shows on the weekends.

1. Don’t get any fatter – How did Bumble know you were fat? He didn’t, but chances are good that you are unhappy with your body. Whether you are 100 pounds or have near earth objects orbiting you, you probably think that you need to lose weight. The problem is that the yo-yo diets and New Years resolution changes to your eating patterns usually lead to gaining more weight. In a few days you will be bombarded with commercials for gym memberships and get thin quick products. Death to them! Look, you live in the fattest nation in the history of the world. That’s a good thing. No matter how fat you get, there is always someone fatter here. It’s joyous! Don’t let TV (or your doctor) make you think you need to lose weight. Yeah it would be healthier in general if you could once again see your naughty parts, but dieting isn’t going to do it. Scientists are working on the obesity problem. They are way smarter than you. Just be patient while they develop a cure for being fat. In the meantime simply resolve to stay the weight you are now. If you had resolved to do that at 18 you would still have your 18 year old body. So it’s not a blow off resolution to commit to maintaining your current weight. In fact most people that resolve to lose weight end up gaining 5-10 pounds. So simply don’t put that pressure on yourself. Eat some Double Stuffs, lay on the couch, and let the scientists save us all. If they fail, we can always slow roast them.

Today is December 26th, the most stress free day of the year! While most of us are happy to be done with shopping, family, church, and generally faking Christmas spirit, it’s safe to say nobody is happier that it’s over than Santa. Despite leaving Bumble nothing but Coal, he was gracious enough to grant us a brief interview to discuss how yesterday went.

Hi Santa. Thanks for taking some time to join Bumble today.You must be exhausted.

Did you say Bumble? They told me this was an interview with Anderson Cooper! Is this the Bumble? The one that sent me dead mice with his list of Christmas demands?

No! That’s a different Bumble. This is uh Anderson Cooper’s cat. Anderson is on location at a hurricane or something and he asked me to fill in. Anyway, on to the questions. What’s the North Pole look like today Santa? Is it finally quiet and peaceful up there?

Ha! No, contrary to popular belief today is the busiest day of the year up here.

Oh. Why is that? Is everyone cleaning up from the Christmas wrap up party or something?

No. Everyone is busy getting the village into lock down mode.

And what is that exactly?

Well, every year after Christmas the elves cordon off a perimeter of 3 miles around the village and start laying trip wires and early warning mines.

What?!

Let me spell this out for you cat. Yesterday over 2 billion people woke up on Christmas morning with a glint of hope in their eyes. About 70% were on the naughty list though. For those people, yesterday left them disappointed, angry, and even hostile after getting what they deserved instead of what they wanted. It happens every year. People spend 11 months acting like jackwagons, then think they can get on Santa’s nice list in a few weeks. Hey, we never said that. We are very clear about the rules! Naughty people get coal. Period. No crying, no bargaining!

Now most of the naughty people are smart enough to realize that they earned the coal they got. But there are always those that just refuse to take accountability for themselves. They rant and rage, blame me for goodness sakes, and fail to realize they reaped what they sowed. So every year the North Pole goes into lock down mode immediately after Christmas.

Yeah,  Bumble meant to talk to you about having gotten coal instead of his cat tree. We’ll come back to that. So basically you are saying that the day after Christmas you have to secure the village and prepare to fend off angry people? Have you ever really been attacked up there?

It’s become more frequent in the last decade or so, but it’s still much better at the North Pole than at our previous locations. When we had the village in Europe it was nearly indefensible.

Wait. It wasn’t always at the North Pole?

No. We used to just say that it was, but really it was in Norway. We finally had to move it in 1939 when Europe became too unstable. This location is perfect for it’s natural defenses. It’s nearly impossible to drive mechanized vehicles here. So we don’t have to worry about suicide bombers crashing the perimeter. Most of the crazies freeze to death before they get here anyway. The few that do get through are swiftly dealt with by the elite elf corp or roaming bands of abominables. In fact we haven’t suffered any casualties on our side in quite a while.

Ok let me get this straight… You moved to the North Pole for security reasons so that you were better able to defend against disgruntled naughty people. You have an elite elf corp to finish off anyone that actually makes it up to the North Pole. Oh come on! This is getting a bit far fetched. You expect Bumble to believe this?

Nope. I expected an interview with Anderson Cooper. Nice try cat. Naughty list! No cat tree for you, two years!

<click>

What?!?! You fat bastard! Bumble will kill you! You give me that cat tree!!!

Traditionally children leave out milk and cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. In the morning when the milk is gone, and the cookies have been eaten it’s clear that Santa was there. Another clear indication is that your presents from Santa probably sucked. Yet until now, nobody has put two and two together.

Why do we assume that because he is fat, Santa likes cookies? Obviously the dude has some longstanding struggles with his weight. How do you know he isn’t insulted by constantly being offered cookies? Who’s to say he isn’t lactose intolerant? He must be a few hundred years old by now! How is he supposed to process over 100 thousand gallons of milk in one night?

Look, there is obviously a correlation between leaving Santa “milk and cookies” and waking up to crappy presents on Christmas morning. Use your heads people! Let’s think about what Santa’s life is like, and what he might really want. Only then can we expect to be happily surprised on Christmas day.

We know that Santa spends 364 days at the North Pole isolated from all civilization except a bunch of elves. For company he has his wife, Mrs. Claus. The best accounts of her describe her as an elderly, doting, somewhat portly woman. Being at magnetic North, the poor old bastard can’t even get Direct TV or Cinemax. So one day a year, Santa escapes the monotony of life at the top of the world and goes out of town on business. Come on, think about it! What would you want to do? That’s right! Party!

Come on! This is Santa’s one day out of the house, away from his hundreds of screaming unionized elves and fat doting wife! And you want to leave him cookies? Really? Well go ahead, but don’t expect a Kinect with that attitude! Screw the milk and cookies! He can get those at home. If you really want cool gifts leave him what any out of town business man wants when on the road, away from the prying eyes of his help. Some milfs and nookie!

"Sorry big boy, we're all out of cookies. Maybe we can work something else out?"

Disclaimer from Daddy: InfidelNation.com does not condone pimping for Santa in exchange for presents. Frankly, if you have access to milf and nooky who needs Santa anyway?

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, he’d killed every mouse;

The stockings once hung by the chimney with care,

But now they’re torn down, chotskies strewn everywhere;

The humans lay nestled all snug in their beds,

Unaware of intentions to smother their heads;

And woman in T-shirt, the man in his cap,

Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap,

When out in the living room arose such a clatter,

They sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the tree they flew like a flash,

Stepping on pieces of ornament glass.

The lights slowly twinkled on what had been the tree,

But now was a pile of sap and debris,

And the cat was purring, looking proud of himself;

Crouched on the chest of one jolly old elf,

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

It shook when he sobbed like a bowlful of jelly;

And they laughed when they saw this in spite of themselves;

The cat had defended his milk from those elves,

And taking advantage of the moment’s distraction,

Santa threw off the cat in one swift reaction;

He fled to the chimney and glanced back with dread,

Before flipping the bird and starting his sled,

But they heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

“You’re banned from Christmas, due to cat fight!”

So next year they’ll be Jewish and wear tiny hats,

And light the Menorah because of their cat.

Merry Christmas Crazy Cat Owners!

That's my milk you fat freeloader!!!

We bet this can be topped by someone!

Bumble has already written about what an awful ritual the blind Secret Santa gift can be. The best thing to be said about it is that it is over for most of us. By now you likely sat in a circle with coworkers and had to give an Academy Award winning performance pretending to be truly excited about $10 worth of crap. Most of us can fake mild pleasure at receiving ten scratch off tickets. Every now and then though it’s just not possible to hide the shock and horror when you open your gift.

If this has recently happened to you, Bumble wants to know about it! Tell us your story below.  The worst story (or biggest loser) will be declared the winner. Make that Chia Pet mean something!

The “winner will” receive a $10 gift card to the store of their choice.

Just submit your story below by Leaving a Reply. Don’t keep the trauma bottled up! Let it out and the world will laugh with you!

*Bumble doesn’t care if your story is true, just so it’s funny. Submissions end December 24th at midnight EST. Winner to be announced on Christmas day.

If you haven’t yet heard of Wikileaks, let Bumble congratulate you on escaping from your coma. For the rest of America you have no doubt heard of the controversial site run by Julian Assange. WikiLeaks allows whistleblowers to anonymously post confidential information. Some believe Julian is a hero for allowing unfettered information. Others believe he is a threat to national security. Bumble hasn’t really made up his mind. As WikiLeaks primarily releases confidential documents, Bumble finds it boring. Recently, they released 250,000 US Embassy Diplomatic cables. The US Embassy expects to have them all read by 2014.

Frankly, who has time to read all that stuff? Unless Jesse Ventura reads it to Americans, we’ll probably continue to just catch the embarrassing highlights on The Daily Show or Weekend Update. It would help if they had some videos of talking cats on the site, perhaps reading some embassy cables. Just a suggestion. The fact is most Americans could care less if the rest of the world thinks we are assholes. In case you hadn’t noticed, we kind of pride ourselves on it. Releasing cables where US diplomats say snarky things about foreigners is about as surprising as the end of a porno movie. In other words, we all knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time.

WTF is the Anonymous Cloud anyway?

Lately the anonymous cloud called what else, Anonymous has begun to target companies that refuse to allow donations to WikiLeaks. In all fairness, Bumble does not wish to anger the anonymous cloud. He neither understands what it is, nor wishes to incur its wrath. That being said it would be nice if someone explained it to us. From what Bumble understands, its a bunch of pseudo hackers in old NWO shirts that are terrorizing the internet from their parents’ basement. Over the past week, the cloud has attacked Mastercard and PayPal in what they call Operation Avenge Assange. Why?

Because Mastercard and PayPal stopped doing business with WikiLeaks and therefore limited your ability to donate to the WikiLeaks. Bumble wasn’t going to donate anyway and neither were most of the cloud. But, let’s not go telling people where they can and cannot waste money!!! What next? People cannot donate to Bumble’s Cat Tree fund?

Freedom Card, My Black Furry Ass

This is America dammit! If people want to spend their hard earned unemployment donating to a foreign guy with a boring site, who is Mastercard to say they can’t do it? Come and see the tyranny inherent in the masses! Ok that may be overkill. For the record you also can’t use MasterCard or PayPal to donate to Al-Qaeda. Granted WikiLeaks is not Al-Qaeda, but Bumble likes making inaccurate and shocking analogies. Until the cloud kills it, this is still Bumble’s blog. USA!  USA! USA!

Bumble digresses. Apparently the fervor of fighting the vaguely defined “man” got to me again.

Oh right, Christmas…

It’s actually bad enough that Bumble hasn’t done his shopping yet and will end up paying for FedEx like he does every year. Bumble would like to urge the cloud to postpone any further attacks on payment method sites until after he has completed shopping. It is hard enough to get a credit card when you are a cat. Please don’t mess with Bumble’s ability to use it!

Be nice or no more hot pockets!

Reports out of the North Pole today indicate a work stoppage may be imminent at Santa’s workshop. Santa could not be reached for comment, but Infidel Nation was able to secure an exclusive interview with the Head Elf and shop steward Jimmy.

Thanks for joining Bumble during what must be a very busy time, Jimmy. Can you tell Bumble what the problem seems to be at the North Pole?

Actually, it’s not that busy. That’s the problem. Usually this time of year we are very happy singing, making wooden hobby horses, and getting loads of overtime. But this year is different.

Why? What’s going on this year? No overtime because of the global recession?

No. No overtime. In fact, most of us aren’t getting paid at all this year! We are trapped at the North Pole with a facist overlord who happens to have a good PR agent. But the reality is awful for us. Some elves have been working 23 hours a day for little or no pay and barely any food.

Aha! So it is the recession!

No. The recession doesn’t really matter. It’s more the inevitable consequence of Santa’s business model. For years I have been telling him we need to stop GIVING away all of our merchandise! What kind of asinine business model is that? Just give away your product for free? And don’t even get me started on the free overnight shipping!  Do you have any idea how much that costs?! He’s ignored me and the other elves for years. Many of us have degrees in business. I myself have an MBA from The Wharton School of Business. He just won’t listen! Now it’s the elves that are suffering. The fat bastard controls the entire job market up here! It’s not like we can telecommute making wooden hobby horses. A few of our wives have taken to doing internet peep shows to bring in extra money. It’s humiliating! We really don’t have a choice anymore. Either the fascist pedophile has to change his business model or we are going to have to walk out!

Solidarity now! Wait… did you just call Santa a fascist pedophile?

You’re darn tootin I did! Come on, do the math. A 300 year old white man moves to a neighborhood where there are no neighbors. Why? So he doesn’t have to go door to door and announce that he has moved into the neighborhood! Factor in the penchant for having children sit on his lap in exchange for toys. Then let’s think about the elves. Hmmmm… He surrounds himself with short, child like people that never age. It might as well be Neverland Ranch up here! He’s got three lists you know? The “Naughty list”, “Nice list” and a list for “If you ever tell anyone Santa will kill you”. We were all willing to look the other way because we were making fat money and getting good health care in the past.

Uh. Ok, we’ll come back to the rather disturbing accusations you just made later because that’s just wrong! What are your demands? You elves seem to have some ideas that aren’t being heard as to how to improve the business. What have you got to say?

For starters, we need more training. There isn’t much market for wooden hobby horses since the advent of electricity for God’s sakes! It’s 2010! Nobody wants a freaking wooden hobby horse! We have tiny fingers, we could make video game systems and electronics if we knew how! Instead he outsources that stuff to China! Poor kids make it for him so he can be the big hero and deliver them for free to industrialized countries. Secondly, it’s high time we started charging SOMETHING! I mean come on! How the hell does he expect to offer fair wages without charging?

Actually, that’s a good point. How has he managed to stay in business this long without charging anything for his product?

We asked that too! At first he told us it was because of the volume. But like I said, we are educated elves! It doesn’t matter what your volume is if you have no profit margin. No, we did some digging and found out that the whole operation has two main streams of revenue. Neither of which are on the books, so they aren’t subject to being reported to our union officials. First, the fat jackwagon makes a killing in endorsements. He’ll endorse anything for money. Elves don’t see a penny of that! Secondly, last year he received an enormous bailout from the US government. Again, not a dime for us. He keeps crying poverty whenever we ask for more to eat. Is he losing weight? No! That fat jerk hasn’t done an honest day’s work in years. We made him and we can break him! Oh no! Bumble! Eeek!

What? Bumble is right here?

Shhhhh! Not you! The other Bumble is pounding on the door, the abominable one. He’s the enforcer for Santa! oh no… he’s breaking down the door! Tell the world what happened here…

At this point Jimmy’s Skype connection was terminated from his end. Bumble seriously considered not posting his interview, but he cannot help but feel the plight of the worker. Besides, there is little to no chance of landing on Santa’s “Nice” list at this point anyway. Bumble will try to reconnect with Jimmy a little later. Luck to you Jimmy! Luck to you!

Oy Vei - Another Driedel. Thanks Bubbe...

It’s Hannukah kids! You know what that means! Your gentile friends are three weeks away from getting an Xbox Kinect and you just got a wooden dreidel! Yeah Judaism! So you may be wondering, just why in the heck do I get a dreidel every year? Is this Hebrew law? Actually no. It’s not officially required to give dreidels at Hannukah. It is a long standing tradition though, so Bumble thought he would explain it as best he can. Keep in mind Bumble is first and foremost a cat, and secondly probably a Muslim. So this might not be entirely accurate. =)

Dreidels are a traditional gift given at Hannukah. The four sided wooden dreidel is marked on each side with a letter from the Hebrew alphabet (Nun, Gimel, Hei, and Shun). Together they form an acronym for Nes Gadol Hayah Sham or translated “A great miracle happened there”.

The dreidel has a couple of purposes. One is to familiarize Jewish kids with the Hebrew traditions of the holiday season. The other is likely to distract them from their lack of an Xbox Kinect. Dreidels can also be used to gamble in a game of chance. Usually the game is played for chocolate gelts or coins. Now before you judge Judaism based on giving a gambling toy at Hannukah think about what you are getting your kids at Christmas. Are you getting them World of Warcraft, or Call of Duty Black Ops? Perhaps your nerdy gentile son plays Dungeons and Dragons. Is the dreidel any stranger than the 20 sided die used to deplete hit points, a matter of imaginary life and death in the most popular game played in parent’s basements throughout the US?

It’s a tradition to give dreidels at Hannukah, so if you are a Jewish child Bumble has a little advice. First, try to look surprised and happy when you get one. Your grandparents love you, really they do. Second, take advantage of the new toy and practice, practice, practice! Why? Because you could turn pro!

That’s right! in 2007 the MLD (Major League Dreidel was founded in New York City. They hold tournaments during Hannukah and you can win if you can keep your dreidel spinning longer than anyone else. MLD is played in what’s known as a spinagogue arena. Don’t believe Bumble? Bumble must be making this up? Ha, you wish.

Now available at Bed Bath & Way Beyond

So don’t look at that dreidel as a cheap trinket as opposed to a cool gaming system. Look at it as an investment in your athletic future! Dreidel is now a sport! You could even be a Champ one day, if you work hard enough.Ok maybe calling MLD a sport is a stretch when you compare the champ to the UFC champ…

2009 MLD Champion Johnny Hei'z

Former UFC Champion Brock Lesnar

Remember your Bubbe loves you and that’s why you got a dreidel. If you really want an Xbox Kinect spin that dreidel, and go get some prize money in the MLD! One final piece of advice for all the dreidel spinners out there. While Johnny did win a nice trophy, its important to note that he did so in a spinagogue and not an octagon.

Happy Hannukah!

Black Friday, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!!! After being bombarded with ads for the last few weeks, you are undoubtedly aware that tomorrow is some of the biggest sales of the year! You also know that the pressure is on to get the most bang for your buck this season in particular. Many sales start at 4 AM and last just a few short hours. How can you survive the madness and hope to get what you want? Fret not iNation! As always Bumble has some dingleberries of advice to help you survive and thrive during the holidays!

Bumble’s Tips for Black Friday

1. Have a plan ahead of time, and an exit strategy. Hey, this isn’t some silly war that you can languish in for years. You have just a few short hours to satisfy your consumerism fix. Make sure you know ahead of time what you are going to come back with. Do your homework first online. Make a list. When it’s done, run do not walk, past all the aisle caps with shiny things.

2. Get there early. Actually get there now! Go! Screw the turkey! If you want the good deals you need to be in line in just 14 hours. Go light on the turkey today so you don’t oversleep. Set your alarm for 3 am and know that you are better than everyone for having done so.

3. Bring bottled water and make sure you eat first. Carry power bars or something too. Any time wasted in line at the Orange Julius allows some cougar to get a step on you in the real lines at the department stores.

4. Do not make eye contact with kiosk workers! They are insane, commission based college students who will stop at nothing to make you desire skin care products and calendars. If anyone really liked Hickory Farms, they would have a proper store that was open year round. No, kiosks are the bottom feeders of impulse buys. When walking through the mall, stick to the storefront side of the aisle. Do not venture towards the middle where the deadly kiosks are set up. If you do get caught by a kiosk worker, do the following.

• Say no, loudly!
• Scream “I need an adult” as soon as they approach.
• Tell them that you just maxed your last credit card (even if you aren’t carrying bags).
• Finally if all else fails… Pepper spray them in the face, topple the kiosk and run like hell.

Things you never here at Christmas: "OH I love this! Where did you get it?" - "At a kiosk of course!"

Those are good tips to start, but the best laid plans can go awry. Chances are you will be faced with a serious “Sold out” situation tomorrow. You’ll run to the aisle that holds the precious objects of your desire, shoving the old and invalid out of the way as you go. Only to find that there, on the barren shelf is the very last one! How do you get it? Particularly if there is already a group of huddled masses shuffling down the aisle? Simple.

Dress like a zombie!

Zombie Layaway. It's her's now isn't it?

That’s right! With the success of The Walking Dead on AMC, and movies like Zombieland the masses have a firm fear of the infected now implanted in their subconscious. When encountering someone that looks like a zombie they will react on instinct and back away. It may just be a moment’s hesitation but that should be enough time for you to fake vomit something gross and infectious looking on that last Kinect. Left over pumpkin roll filling works great as fake zombie vomit. Once you have marked your prey, simply walk to the front of the nearest line. Growl, stumble and check the heck out. Zombies are great survivors and let’s face it, Wal-mart on Black Friday is a post apocalyptic landscape. If you get desperate start sneezing and coughing in your zombie make up. Entire aisles will open up for you. =)

Of course the best advice Bumble has for Black Friday is to simply stay home. Screw it. There will be more sales before December 25th! Frankly, you probably already have coupons galore in your email from online retailers that offer free shipping. Why not shop from home and save everyone the zombie bites?

Undead or savy shopper and bargain claimer?

]]> http://infidelnation.com/2010/11/25/surviving-black-friday-and-getting-what-you-want/feed/ 1 http://infidelnation.com/2010/11/15/surviving-your-office-secret-santa-exchange/ http://infidelnation.com/2010/11/15/surviving-your-office-secret-santa-exchange/#comments Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:40:26 +0000 bumblenation http://infidelnation.com/?p=2817

In just a few short weeks many of you will be faced with a horrible career choice. After returning fully bloated on turkey from Thanksgiving you will be met with the most dreaded office activity of the year…

Secret Santa!

Shhh! Nobody Likes This!

First and foremost, you should try just about anything to avoid participation. Why? It’s a losing proposition. Whether the limit is $10 or $50, you will never get back what you put into the gift for your coworker. Secondly, just how well do you know these people? Sure there may be a few key colleagues that you actually like, but you were probably getting them something anyway.

The Secret Santa is sadly akin to “No Child Left Behind”. It was clearly invented by the office weasel to ensure that they got something. What makes it even worse is the randomness. Depending on the size of your office you could end up with the name of someone you have never even met. Just how the heck are you supposed to shop for someone you don’t even know? Isn’t it bad enough that you have nieces and nephews to figure out? What about that Christmas bonus? Chances are that you aren’t even getting one during the recession, so why would you want to shell out $10 on a stranger? You know in return you are getting something dumb. Aside from the general annoyance of the forced ritual, there is always statistically a chance that you will get an impossible coworker.

Picking the worst case scenarios!

1. The new guy?! Good lord, this person might not even be around by the time the gifts are exchanged. Might as well wait until the last minute and buy something you would like. You have a good excuse if it is something they find to be stupid as nobody else knows them yet either.

2. Crap! You got the boss! Now what do you do? Admit that you think his idea of fun is punching babies and buy him or her a #1 boss mug? No, you are doomed. At best you will need to quadruple the agreed upon limit or face the next year updating TPS reports. Find the office Smithers and trade, regardless of who they drew in this dreadful lottery.

3. Damn, you got the office whore! At first blush this might seem like a great opportunity to get a little something at the Christmas party. It’s not! All the women in the office are watching to see what you get her. No matter what you get her it will be viewed as an effort to elicit sexual favors. You cannot win here, even if you are gay. Trade with someone, preferably the married guy that has a secret to protect. He knows what she likes and how to be discreet already.

4. Ugggh, you got the wierdo IT guy. Sure, you could take a guess that they like Star Trek, SyFy or Dr. Who but if you are wrong the consequences could be grave. What’s worse there is nobody to ask about him. He is an enigma that only shows up when something has gone horribly wrong. No, you are doomed and should probably just quit. This guy has the power to plant child porn on your computer if you offend him, and chances are good you will.

5. Oh no! You picked the guy or girl that you shared a drunken interlude with at last year’s Christmas party. Now what to do? Giving them a present will potentially break the ice that it’s taken a year to cultivate. It’s bad enough that last year you exchanged fluids. Anything you give them this year is a sign that you want to get serious.

You may want to even consider trading with the person that got the office whore. You’ll be judged by what you give the tramp, but that might be a plus if you are still trying to distance yourself from last years indiscretion. If last year’s indiscretion was the office whore don’t sweat it. She is probably the last person you can offend with a gift and likely doesn’t even remember the Christmas party. Just get her something practical like a douche, or some self esteem.

Quite honestly there is nobody in the office that you would want to draw. No matter who you get, it’s a no win situation for you.

No, your best option is to opt out if at all possible. How? Well, there are several options.

How to get out of Secret Santa!

Convert to Judaism – Not only won’t you have to participate in Secret Santa, you can act righteously indignant when asked.

Convert to Islam – If you make it public knowledge that you are now Muslim in all likelihood they won’t even ask you! Who wants to open a $10 gift from the newly converted office IT guy who now calls himself Linux Al Muhammaed? Nobody, that’s who.

Use all your vacation time – Hey, if you aren’t there you can’t play right?

Quit – Just how bad can the economy be anyway?

If you do get suckered into the exchange and are obligated to get a Secret Santa gift, Bumble has some suggestions which may get you through the holiday unscathed.

Surviving Secret Santa

First, try to find the person on Facebook. Maybe they have some “Likes” you can use to figure out something that won’t cause them to stab you in the back at every meeting you ever have in the future. Second, stalk their cubicle. You can learn a lot about someone from the tchotchkes they have in their cubicle already. Finally avoid food gifts. By the time you rule out anything that could potentially kill your coworker with a peanut allergy, worsen their diabetes or raise their blood pressure there won’t be much left. An edible gift can often be misinterpreted by someone too. Just because you think someone is already obese doesn’t mean they have given up and would enjoy a gallon of caramel popcorn.

Remember, your goal is not to make a new friend! It’s to find the most innocuous and inoffensive gift possible for $10 or less. Notice Bumble didn’t ask you what your Secret Santa limit was? It doesn’t matter, never, ever spend more than $10 on this tripe. With that in mind, here is a quick list of what to avoid!

Gift cards – Nothing says I did the bare minimum like a gift card. You at least want to appear thoughtful and have some mystery around exactly how much you spent.

Desktop Toys & Executive Gifts – These are amusing for about 2 seconds. Then your poor coworker will have to agonize over how long they are obligated to have it cluttering their desk. In point of fact, the answer is exactly 1 minute. After that they should stomp on it and hurl it back at you for having ignored Bumble’s advice.

Candles, Potpourri, and Bath Beads – Are you implying that they smell?  Sure you love the smell of Vanilla but that doesn’t mean everyone does. You might as well take a crap on their keyboard!

Anything from Spencer gifts – This is a sure fire way to find out just how little you really knew someone! Don’t be funny, don’t even try it. The holidays are tense. You don’t want your stupid gift to be what triggers a shoot out.

Lottery tickets – It goes without saying that they will know what you spent. To make it worse, they could win! How would you feel with your mug full of bath beads from someone in accounting when you doled out a lottery ticket that yielded big money. Dumb, that’s how! Don’t risk them winning.

As you can see there really isn’t a whole lot left right? Wrong! Don’t panic Bumble can save you! Here are the top gifts under $10 that are guaranteed to never offend.

Cheap, Thoughtless, and Most of All… Inoffensive

#5  Christmas Classics CD – You can get these really cheap at Target or Wal-Mart (and sometimes at the gas station on the way to work). Just buy something with Perry Como or Bing Crosby. The recipient will probably never play the CD and you can always say something to justify it. For instance, “That was my dead grandfather’s favorite song and it always makes me feel good on the holidays”. They can’t possibly be offended without feeling like a jerk.

#4 Slippers – Ok not terribly creative but that’s not the point. Again, you can get these at any cheap department store and who doesn’t need slippers? At worst you gave them something that they can re-gift to distant uncle.

#3 A Confusing Ethnic Ornament – Never a bad idea particularly if you can find something basic. You can always opt for a glass Pickle ornament for about $10. If they don’t get why you gave them a pickle ornament that’s great! Act offended that they didn’t understand your ethnic heritage and tell them to look it up on wikipedia.

This is also a great gift for… the office whore!

#2 Picture Frame – Lame to get but perfect to give! Nobody can be offended by a picture frame. Particularly one that hangs on a cubicle wall. You can get these pretty cheap, and they come with velcro or magnetic hangers. If you want to make sure you aren’t chastised about giving this gift, fill it with a picture you took from last year’s Christmas party showing your coworker with the office whore. They will quietly thank you and you will never again have to worry about them eating your lunch out of the fridge!

And finally the best Secret Santa gift you can give…

# 1 Oral Sex! – Heck you don’t even have to do the work. Just give the $10 to the office whore. On second thought, there is still an off chance that might be offensive to somebody. Though it sure would make the gift exchange a lot more fun! Better go with this one instead…

#1 A Scarf- A nice festive colored scarf is a great gift for either gender. It can be worn in the office and may actually come in handy. Finally if you are really desperate you can pull one off of just about any homeless person you find.

Granted none of these gifts will make someone your new office BFF (unless you do offer the oral sex), but they also won’t land you in the Human Resources office. The best you can hope for after getting roped into Secret Santa is getting out of it while still gainfully employed.

It’s the day after Halloween. Time to burp, nap, and eat the left over Tootsie Rolls that the kids picked around. Unfortunately, Bumble saw something so disturbing yesterday that he can’t get it out of his head. While looking for a picture of one of the Christian Pamphlets for another article, Bumble read one. Scary!

This tract is an alternative to handing out Halloween Candy. Why? Because some* Christians think that Halloween is Satan’s Birthday, and Bit-O-Honeys are a gateway drug to devil worship!

*Infidel Nation recognizes there are many good Christians out there, as well as good Muslims, good Buddhists, good Jews etc. There are also nut jobs. Regardless of your religious beliefs or where you worship, your group also has a lunatic fringe. If you look far to the right at the church, mosque, or synagogue you will see them with arms folded judging you for not being as good as them.

This tract is quite frankly the scariest thing Bumble saw on Halloween. Why? Because some people think that not only is it appropriate to hand out to little kids, it’s their duty. Before you read it, a few things Bumble has to say.

First, these are available online but you will find no links to them here. Secondly, this is the kind of fear tactic fundamentalist stuff that makes people hate ALL Christians even though many would balk at this. Finally, Bumble didn’t write this and means no offense to God/Allah/Yahweh by pointing out how nuts this is.

Boo! As in a jeering booooooo!

Yeah, Bumble has the picture. You are nuts! Maybe if you feel strongly enough about Halloween to hand out stuff like this to other people’s kids you should just pray for them?

This is disturbing because it’s weird, somewhat accurate with the Bible, and proves that the same tactics used in political ads can be applied by any zealot.

Bumble read the Bible (no really). Bumble doesn’t recall Jesus saying anything about “get me into office by any means necessary”. Jesus was not a mudslinging candidate.

Seriously, to all the infidels out there Bumble wants your feedback here on the site in our comments. Is Bumble way out of line here? Or is this just scary?

Someone has to be honest here. Not all candy is created equal. Yet, most people don’t give much thought to what to give to trick or treaters. They simply grab a bag of mixed candy from Wal-mart and throw it in a bowl. This is a TRAGIC mistake!

Parents are a judgmental lot! What they see you give their kids will leave a lasting impression of how they view you as a neighbor. So as a public service, Bumble will educate you on how you will be judged by the contents of your treat bowl.

Candy/Treat	What Your Neighbors Will Think You Are Saying
Full Size Candy	I was too fat and lazy to even go to WalMart and get an assorted bag of fun-size candy. Instead, I went to the convenience mart, cashed in some lottery tickets and bought half a dozen regular candy bars. Also I am oblivious to peanut allergies being rampant in kids. Hope your kids don’t swell up and die, these treats are packed with peanuts!
Fun Size Non-Assorted	I didn’t make it to Wal-Mart until early Halloween morning. By then all the assorted fun-sizes were gone. You all get Nestle’s Crunch or Hershey’s Dark. Please come back later and light a bag of flaming poop on my door step as a kind reminder to shop early next year.
Bit-O-Honey	I hope your kids lose some baby teeth! Be sure to come back next year a day early and toilet paper my yard!
Pixie Sticks	I support Attention Deficit Disorder! Have fun chasing your kids around until November 2nd!
Candy Corn	Have some pure sugar, the crack cocaine of Halloween candy.OR I am a super traditionalist despite the fact most kids hate this stuff. Bleah. Come back in two months for some fruitcake!
Toothbrushes	I am a pretentious witch who thinks she is a better parent than you. Just wanted to remind you on Halloween that you are a bad Mommy and I am a good Mommy. I just KNOW you are going to have a fat toothless teenager because you are taking your kids trick or treating, while I am handing out toothbrushes.It’s a real shame that your kids have no chance in life. But, I tried. Jesus can not say I didn’t try.
Apples	I am a douchebag. Either I am being pompous and implying that letting your kid eat candy makes you unfit, or I may have put razor blades in the apples.Either way I am a douchebag for thinking apples were appropriate. Next year I am giving out bottles of baby aspirin with holes poked in the foil tops!
Mary Janes	Hey, you are kind of a milf or filf. Come back later without the husband/wife and kids so we can fire up my bong and party!
Creepy Christian Pamphlets	I am going to heaven and you are doomed to hell. Maybe I can save your kids by scaring the crap out of your four year old and introducing them to the perils of Satan while he is dressed as Spiderman.No, I can’t just turn off my lights. Not when there is good witnessing to be done to innocent children!

Happy Halloween! It’s not too late to turn out the lights!