Recently, Bumble observed an episode of domestic life both disturbing and ridiculous. Since he can speak both Ant and Human, allow him to re-create the occurrence in an dramatic narrative.

A typical Saturday morning…

Daddy walks to the kitchen counter in all his Saturday morning unkempt glory.

Mommy: “Don’t eat cupcakes for breakfast!”

Daddy: “I can have a cupcake if I want!”

Daddy raises a cupcake to his gaping maw. You can almost see him thinking “mmmmm cupcake”. Suddenly, without warning (which is usually how suddenly happens) Daddy emits a loud girly shriek. The cupcake is hurled as he recoils in horror. It lands frosting side down on the kitchen floor with a SPLAT!

Mommy: “What the hell did you do that for?? That was a perfectly good cupcake!”

Daddy: “<pant pant> There.. there was an ant on it!”

Ant 1: “My thorax! Ow my thorax! Get this cupcake off of me!”

Mommy: “You are such a wuss…”

Daddy timidly approaches the counter and slowly slides the aluminum foil off the plate of cupcakes.

Daddy: “Eeeeeek! They are everywhere! OMG there are hundreds of them all over the cupcakes!”

Mommy: “Oh no! The cupcakes!!! For the love of god I didn’t even get one yet!!!”

Daddy: “I think I am going to be sick! oh my god, oh my god they are everywhere…”

Mommy: “This is your fault! I told you to cover them!”

Ant 1: “Really, I think you broke my abdomen… ow… ow…”

Ant 2: “Aaaaagh, we are discovered! I told you this was too good to be true Larry!”

Ant 3: “Quick! Back to the nest everyone!”

Ant 4: “Grab the frosting! Grab the FROSTING! Everyone grab some frosting and run for the crack behind the stove! Go! Go! Move out!

Ant 5: “Red five standing by!”

Ant 2: “Really!? Really Lyle?! Is now the time for your stupid obscure Star Wars references! They broke Steve’s thorax! Fear not Steve, the colony shall survive!”

Ant 1: “Um yeah, the colony. That’s good. Could someone maybe drag me under the stove? I think I could recover…”

Ant 2: “I said Fear NOT Steve, the colony shall survive!”

Ant 5: “Quit being so bossy Karl! We’re all workers! Who put you in charge?!”

Ant 3: “To the stove everyone go!”

Daddy: “Oh my god where did they all come from?! Look at them all!! Oh god, they are running behind the stove!!! What do I do? What do I do?!?!”

Mommy: “Maybe some of the cupcakes are still good.”

Daddy: “Don’t just stand there… DO something!”

Mommy: “Oh god look at them all… the cupcakes are ruined! Waaaaah!”

Daddy: ” Quit lamenting the lost cupcakes! What do we do about the ants?!”

Mommy: “Just grab the whole thing and throw it on the deck! Hurry! They are getting away!”

At this point Daddy grabbed the plate of sullied cupcakes and ran to the sliding glass door. With his bathrobe billowing like the cape of death, he hurls the dish onto the deck…

Daddy: “Now what? Do we have any spray?!”

Mommy: “Wait. No, don’t throw them out there! The cupcakes could attract bears!”

Daddy: “What?? You just told me to throw them outside!”

Ant 2: “Did she say bears?! Run for your lives! Save yourselves! We are to be eaten by bears! I told you this would happen Larry!”

Ant 3: “Oh shut up Karl! You did not! Nobody could foresee that a giant store of unprotected chocolate sugar goo would lead invariably to being eaten by bears! Quit being a dick!”

Daddy opens the door and quickly scoops up the plate, cupcakes and ants. He dashes to the garbage pail and hurls the entire mess into the rubbish. Mommy begins frantically looking under the sink for some form of chemical warfare agent.

Ant 3: “See Karl! I told you this would work out! Look at this wonderful trash!”

Daddy yanks the bag from the bin and runs to the front door, hurling it with crisis powered strength halfway down the driveway. Mommy begins to frantically spray Windex all over the remaining evacuees as they scurry behind the stove.

Ant 2: “Quickly everyone climb out of the bag! Hurry before the bears arrive!”

Ant 7 covered in Windex: “Ewwww what is this crap? Cough cough.. I am cleaner and yet still sticky… bleah…”

Daddy: “What the hell are you doing? Is that Windex! That won’t kill them. Don’t you have any spray?!”

Mommy: “No! We don’t have any ant spray, it’s bad for the cats!”

Daddy: “Just smash them then!”

Ant 7: “What? Smash what now? Run away! Ooooooof.”

Ant 6: “Ant down! Ant down! They got Milt! Milt has been squished, I repeat Milt has been squished!”

Mommy: “I have to go to work! You are going to have to deal with this! Look another one! Keep squishing them.”

After several minutes the chaos dies down. The battlefield is cleared and Daddy sits on the floor far away from the stove, staring off into the distance. Dead ants litter the stove top. An eerie silence fills the kitchen.