“Never Have I Ever” Questions For Middle Aged People

by bumblenation

For those of you not familiar with it, “Never have I ever” is a drinking game. It’s very simple, you just need beer and friends to play and find out critical information about your companions. Each person takes turns saying the phrase “I never…” followed by something they may not have ever done. If someone in the group has done it, they have to drink. So for example, one could say “I never murdered anyone.” If you were drinking with OJ Simpson there would be an awkward moment, but ultimately he should take a sip. Now, as youngsters this game was quite fun especially in mixed company. Typically questions start innocently but inevitably they entered virgin territory. As in, “I never had sex”. Ah the joys of youth. Whoever invented this game was a genius. All you needed to do to find out who put out was phrase the question correctly.

Unfortunately, as you get older the questions change. I should note here that “middle aged” can really vary. For some people, they may feel middle aged at 30. It’s really a state of mind. It usually means the point in life when your hopes have been crushed, and your dreams are now relegated to a postcard of a better life pinned to a cubicle wall. Regardless of when you hit that stage in life the questions inevitably have changed in drinking games. In fact, you’ll know you are there when you start noticing the changes in questions when drinking. Gone are the wonderings about virginity. By this stage in life any friends you have left probably have heard all your sexual conquests by now, or they know your kids.

Sure you can still say “I never had a threesome” and wait to see what your spouse does. But I wouldn’t. You asked that once right? Why risk finding out that the answer has changed? No, it’s best to focus on more age appropriate topics. So I bring you a short list of questions to try next time you are among the middle aged set when playing “Never Have I Ever”.

  • I never lied to my wife about her cooking.
  • I never bounced a check.
  • I never fantasized about my spouses friends or siblings.
  • I never fantasized about my kid’s friends parents.
  • I never fantasized about killing my inlaws.
  • I never fantasized about killing my spouse.
  • I never fantasized about sole possession of the remote.
  • I never pretended to be asleep to avoid helping.
  • I never pretended to be asleep to avoid humping.
  • I never took my medicine twice in the same morning by mistake.
  • I never lied to my doctor to get medicine that just sounded like fun.
  • I never lied to my spouse about a credit card charge.
  • I never lied to my spouse about having a credit card.
  • I never lied to my spouse about a smell.
  • I never lied about something on a company expense report.
  • I never forgot which car was mine at the mall.
  • I never forgot which spouse was mine at the mall.
  • I never found clothes in my closet that haven’t fit me in ten years.
  • I never found a zit on my genitals or butt.
  • I never found a zit on my spouses genitals or butt.
  • I never hid new clothes, shoes, picture frames from my spouse to avoid a fight.
  • I never hid new power tools, video games, or gadgets from my spouse to avoid a fight.
  • I never found clothes in my spouses closet that clearly never fit them.
  • I never lost my balance while standing still.
  • I never lost my balance while laying down.
  • I never lost my balance while having sex.
  • I never pulled a muscle while having sex.
  • I never lost control of my bladder for no reason.
  • I never lost control of my bladder because I was too lazy to take get up in time.
  • I never pooped so hard that I hurt my back.
  • I never pooped a little by surprise.
  • I never referred to a cat as my kid.
  • I never lived vicariously through my cat or kids.
  • I never referred to the year 2001 as “ought one”.

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