Reports out of the North Pole today indicate a work stoppage may be imminent at Santa’s workshop. Santa could not be reached for comment, but Infidel Nation was able to secure an exclusive interview with the Head Elf and shop steward Jimmy.
Thanks for joining Bumble during what must be a very busy time, Jimmy. Can you tell Bumble what the problem seems to be at the North Pole?
Actually, it’s not that busy. That’s the problem. Usually this time of year we are very happy singing, making wooden hobby horses, and getting loads of overtime. But this year is different.
Why? What’s going on this year? No overtime because of the global recession?
No. No overtime. In fact, most of us aren’t getting paid at all this year! We are trapped at the North Pole with a facist overlord who happens to have a good PR agent. But the reality is awful for us. Some elves have been working 23 hours a day for little or no pay and barely any food.
Aha! So it is the recession!
No. The recession doesn’t really matter. It’s more the inevitable consequence of Santa’s business model. For years I have been telling him we need to stop GIVING away all of our merchandise! What kind of asinine business model is that? Just give away your product for free? And don’t even get me started on the free overnight shipping! Do you have any idea how much that costs?! He’s ignored me and the other elves for years. Many of us have degrees in business. I myself have an MBA from The Wharton School of Business. He just won’t listen! Now it’s the elves that are suffering. The fat bastard controls the entire job market up here! It’s not like we can telecommute making wooden hobby horses. A few of our wives have taken to doing internet peep shows to bring in extra money. It’s humiliating! We really don’t have a choice anymore. Either the fascist pedophile has to change his business model or we are going to have to walk out!
Solidarity now! Wait… did you just call Santa a fascist pedophile?
You’re darn tootin I did! Come on, do the math. A 300 year old white man moves to a neighborhood where there are no neighbors. Why? So he doesn’t have to go door to door and announce that he has moved into the neighborhood! Factor in the penchant for having children sit on his lap in exchange for toys. Then let’s think about the elves. Hmmmm… He surrounds himself with short, child like people that never age. It might as well be Neverland Ranch up here! He’s got three lists you know? The “Naughty list”, “Nice list” and a list for “If you ever tell anyone Santa will kill you”. We were all willing to look the other way because we were making fat money and getting good health care in the past.
Uh. Ok, we’ll come back to the rather disturbing accusations you just made later because that’s just wrong! What are your demands? You elves seem to have some ideas that aren’t being heard as to how to improve the business. What have you got to say?
For starters, we need more training. There isn’t much market for wooden hobby horses since the advent of electricity for God’s sakes! It’s 2010! Nobody wants a freaking wooden hobby horse! We have tiny fingers, we could make video game systems and electronics if we knew how! Instead he outsources that stuff to China! Poor kids make it for him so he can be the big hero and deliver them for free to industrialized countries. Secondly, it’s high time we started charging SOMETHING! I mean come on! How the hell does he expect to offer fair wages without charging?
Actually, that’s a good point. How has he managed to stay in business this long without charging anything for his product?
We asked that too! At first he told us it was because of the volume. But like I said, we are educated elves! It doesn’t matter what your volume is if you have no profit margin. No, we did some digging and found out that the whole operation has two main streams of revenue. Neither of which are on the books, so they aren’t subject to being reported to our union officials. First, the fat jackwagon makes a killing in endorsements. He’ll endorse anything for money. Elves don’t see a penny of that! Secondly, last year he received an enormous bailout from the US government. Again, not a dime for us. He keeps crying poverty whenever we ask for more to eat. Is he losing weight? No! That fat jerk hasn’t done an honest day’s work in years. We made him and we can break him! Oh no! Bumble! Eeek!
What? Bumble is right here?
Shhhhh! Not you! The other Bumble is pounding on the door, the abominable one. He’s the enforcer for Santa! oh no… he’s breaking down the door! Tell the world what happened here…
At this point Jimmy’s Skype connection was terminated from his end. Bumble seriously considered not posting his interview, but he cannot help but feel the plight of the worker. Besides, there is little to no chance of landing on Santa’s “Nice” list at this point anyway. Bumble will try to reconnect with Jimmy a little later. Luck to you Jimmy! Luck to you!