Surviving Your Office Secret Santa Gift Exchange – What Won’t Get You Fired

In just a few short weeks many of you will be faced with a horrible career choice. After returning fully bloated on turkey from Thanksgiving you will be met with the most dreaded office activity of the year…

Secret Santa!

Shhh! Nobody Likes This!

First and foremost, you should try just about anything to avoid participation. Why? It’s a losing proposition. Whether the limit is $10 or $50, you will never get back what you put into the gift for your coworker. Secondly, just how well do you know these people? Sure there may be a few key colleagues that you actually like, but you were probably getting them something anyway.

The Secret Santa is sadly akin to “No Child Left Behind”. It was clearly invented by the office weasel to ensure that they got something. What makes it even worse is the randomness. Depending on the size of your office you could end up with the name of someone you have never even met. Just how the heck are you supposed to shop for someone you don’t even know? Isn’t it bad enough that you have nieces and nephews to figure out? What about that Christmas bonus? Chances are that you aren’t even getting one during the recession, so why would you want to shell out $10 on a stranger? You know in return you are getting something dumb. Aside from the general annoyance of the forced ritual, there is always statistically a chance that you will get an impossible coworker.

Picking the worst case scenarios!

1. The new guy?! Good lord, this person might not even be around by the time the gifts are exchanged. Might as well wait until the last minute and buy something you would like. You have a good excuse if it is something they find to be stupid as nobody else knows them yet either.

2. Crap! You got the boss! Now what do you do? Admit that you think his idea of fun is punching babies and buy him or her a #1 boss mug? No, you are doomed. At best you will need to quadruple the agreed upon limit or face the next year updating TPS reports. Find the office Smithers and trade, regardless of who they drew in this dreadful lottery.

3. Damn, you got the office whore! At first blush this might seem like a great opportunity to get a little something at the Christmas party. It’s not! All the women in the office are watching to see what you get her. No matter what you get her it will be viewed as an effort to elicit sexual favors. You cannot win here, even if you are gay. Trade with someone, preferably the married guy that has a secret to protect. He knows what she likes and how to be discreet already.

4. Ugggh, you got the wierdo IT guy. Sure, you could take a guess that they like Star Trek, SyFy or Dr. Who but if you are wrong the consequences could be grave. What’s worse there is nobody to ask about him. He is an enigma that only shows up when something has gone horribly wrong. No, you are doomed and should probably just quit. This guy has the power to plant child porn on your computer if you offend him, and chances are good you will.

5. Oh no! You picked the guy or girl that you shared a drunken interlude with at last year’s Christmas party. Now what to do? Giving them a present will potentially break the ice that it’s taken a year to cultivate. It’s bad enough that last year you exchanged fluids. Anything you give them this year is a sign that you want to get serious.

You may want to even consider trading with the person that got the office whore. You’ll be judged by what you give the tramp, but that might be a plus if you are still trying to distance yourself from last years indiscretion. If last year’s indiscretion was the office whore don’t sweat it. She is probably the last person you can offend with a gift and likely doesn’t even remember the Christmas party. Just get her something practical like a douche, or some self esteem.

Quite honestly there is nobody in the office that you would want to draw. No matter who you get, it’s a no win situation for you.

No, your best option is to opt out if at all possible. How? Well, there are several options.

How to get out of Secret Santa!

Convert to Judaism – Not only won’t you have to participate in Secret Santa, you can act righteously indignant when asked.

Convert to Islam – If you make it public knowledge that you are now Muslim in all likelihood they won’t even ask you! Who wants to open a $10 gift from the newly converted office IT guy who now calls himself Linux Al Muhammaed? Nobody, that’s who.

Use all your vacation time – Hey, if you aren’t there you can’t play right?

Quit – Just how bad can the economy be anyway?

If you do get suckered into the exchange and are obligated to get a Secret Santa gift, Bumble has some suggestions which may get you through the holiday unscathed.

Surviving Secret Santa

First, try to find the person on Facebook. Maybe they have some “Likes” you can use to figure out something that won’t cause them to stab you in the back at every meeting you ever have in the future. Second, stalk their cubicle. You can learn a lot about someone from the tchotchkes they have in their cubicle already. Finally avoid food gifts. By the time you rule out anything that could potentially kill your coworker with a peanut allergy, worsen their diabetes or raise their blood pressure there won’t be much left. An edible gift can often be misinterpreted by someone too. Just because you think someone is already obese doesn’t mean they have given up and would enjoy a gallon of caramel popcorn.

Remember, your goal is not to make a new friend! It’s to find the most innocuous and inoffensive gift possible for $10 or less. Notice Bumble didn’t ask you what your Secret Santa limit was? It doesn’t matter, never, ever spend more than $10 on this tripe. With that in mind, here is a quick list of what to avoid!

Gift cards – Nothing says I did the bare minimum like a gift card. You at least want to appear thoughtful and have some mystery around exactly how much you spent.

Desktop Toys & Executive Gifts – These are amusing for about 2 seconds. Then your poor coworker will have to agonize over how long they are obligated to have it cluttering their desk. In point of fact, the answer is exactly 1 minute. After that they should stomp on it and hurl it back at you for having ignored Bumble’s advice.

Candles, Potpourri, and Bath Beads – Are you implying that they smell?  Sure you love the smell of Vanilla but that doesn’t mean everyone does. You might as well take a crap on their keyboard!

Anything from Spencer gifts – This is a sure fire way to find out just how little you really knew someone! Don’t be funny, don’t even try it. The holidays are tense. You don’t want your stupid gift to be what triggers a shoot out.

Lottery tickets – It goes without saying that they will know what you spent. To make it worse, they could win! How would you feel with your mug full of bath beads from someone in accounting when you doled out a lottery ticket that yielded big money. Dumb, that’s how! Don’t risk them winning.

As you can see there really isn’t a whole lot left right? Wrong! Don’t panic Bumble can save you! Here are the top gifts under $10 that are guaranteed to never offend.

Cheap, Thoughtless, and Most of All… Inoffensive

#5  Christmas Classics CD – You can get these really cheap at Target or Wal-Mart (and sometimes at the gas station on the way to work). Just buy something with Perry Como or Bing Crosby. The recipient will probably never play the CD and you can always say something to justify it. For instance, “That was my dead grandfather’s favorite song and it always makes me feel good on the holidays”. They can’t possibly be offended without feeling like a jerk.

#4 Slippers – Ok not terribly creative but that’s not the point. Again, you can get these at any cheap department store and who doesn’t need slippers? At worst you gave them something that they can re-gift to distant uncle.

#3 A Confusing Ethnic Ornament – Never a bad idea particularly if you can find something basic. You can always opt for a glass Pickle ornament for about $10. If they don’t get why you gave them a pickle ornament that’s great! Act offended that they didn’t understand your ethnic heritage and tell them to look it up on wikipedia.

This is also a great gift for… the office whore!

#2 Picture Frame – Lame to get but perfect to give! Nobody can be offended by a picture frame. Particularly one that hangs on a cubicle wall. You can get these pretty cheap, and they come with velcro or magnetic hangers. If you want to make sure you aren’t chastised about giving this gift, fill it with a picture you took from last year’s Christmas party showing your coworker with the office whore. They will quietly thank you and you will never again have to worry about them eating your lunch out of the fridge!

And finally the best Secret Santa gift you can give…

# 1 Oral Sex! – Heck you don’t even have to do the work. Just give the $10 to the office whore. On second thought, there is still an off chance that might be offensive to somebody. Though it sure would make the gift exchange a lot more fun! Better go with this one instead…

#1 A Scarf- A nice festive colored scarf is a great gift for either gender. It can be worn in the office and may actually come in handy. Finally if you are really desperate you can pull one off of just about any homeless person you find.

Granted none of these gifts will make someone your new office BFF (unless you do offer the oral sex), but they also won’t land you in the Human Resources office. The best you can hope for after getting roped into Secret Santa is getting out of it while still gainfully employed.