This is a much lighter and easier week overall. Five planets continue to be retrograde – Pluto, Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter, and Mercury – which is perfect for self-reflection, meditation, and generally taking stock of your life. The Sun is in Virgo along with Mercury, and Saturn, Mars, and Venus continue to move through Libra. When Mercury conjuncts the Sun on Friday, you may have a realization about how to resolve a mystery. When Venus trines Neptune on Saturday another mystery may come into existence.
Odd, Bumble would have thought since next week starts with Labor day, they would have saved that chestnut about a “lighter and easier week” for later. Guess they really do think they can tell the future by looking at Uranus. Anytime Bumble looks at Uranus, the future always involves retching. =)
There are some real gems in here this week, such as “Mercury continues to be retrograde, so take extra care when signing legal documents”. Yes of course, had Mercury been trining away on Venus you could just recklessly sign legal documents. Where do they get this tripe?
Bumble apologizes for not doing this in a while. Hopefully, you all struggled through life without his guidance. For those of you that are lost, this week is all about back to school.
Aries
The Ram: March 21st – April 20th
Horoscope: Relationships are still giving you much food for thought. The tests of the previous weeks will continue, but as you have recently overcome a fairly major one, the week ahead is quiet and even peaceful by comparison. It may help to clear the air by saying it like it is. Don’t hold back, as this will only make things worse. Make sure important data is backed up at work, and don’t take any chances with crucial documents or information. An evening out will make you smile.
Horrorscope: Back to school time kiddies! For the parents out there “relationships are probably giving you food for thought” has something to do with the increasing cost of lunchables. After a summer of not having to have lunch money, prepare to feel the pinch.
For those college students it’s no longer the parent-child relationship giving you food for thought. It’s all about getting back to school, cracking the books, and by god finding some nookie delivering relationship.
Oh yes, the tests of the previous weeks will continue for about 9 months! But the major test is out of the way, you are through the first week of school. Whether that meant hauling your ungrateful brat off to college and lugging their crap into a dorm, seeing your little one get on a yellow bus for the first time ever, or being an ungrateful brat leaving home for the first time, Bumble is certain it was stressful. Enjoy a Monday off and then it begins in earnest.
Taurus
The Bull: April 21st – May 20th
Horoscope: It is important that you continue to look after your health, Taurus. If there is a problem that you’ve been ignoring, it is time to get it checked out. Make this a priority even if it doesn’t seem particularly urgent or critical – it is or may become so. With Saturn in this zone until 2012, you need to take greater responsibility for yourself and for trying to feel good as much as you possibly can. Watch out for mixed messages, especially if you are dating someone new. Try to avoid embarrassment!
Horrorscope: By all means get yourself checked out before it gets serious! Bumble suspects you already found a nookie delivery relationship and it likely left you itchy. Please take greater responsibility for yourself and try not to be such a whore. You’ve only been back to school for a week! “Watch out for mixed messages, especially if you are dating someone new” Translation, it was a drunk one night stand. You are not “dating”. You’re young, go to the clinic and chalk it up as another form of higher learning.
Gemini
The Twins: May 21st – June 20th
Horoscope: Mercury continues to be retrograde in your home zone, which gives you a chance to clear out clutter and give yourself space. As Mercury is in Virgo, you may find this retrograde phase helps you to set up new daily routines which involve adopting healthier and more life-enhancing habits. If you begin now and continue for approximately a month, you may find you have created new neural pathways that will enable you to function at a more energetic and peaceful level.
Horrorscope: Congrats! Your ungrateful little 18 year financial drain is out of the house and now the responsibility of some college! Woot! Now, start getting rid of their crap right away. That bedroom likes like something from Hoarders on A&E. It may take a month to pack up and get rid of that junk but now is the time to send the clear message. “You better study cause you ain’t coming back here!”. It looks like you will fill that room with that Bowflex that’s been in the corner of the basement and finally be able to have some peace and quiet. God bless colleges! They may be really expensive day care centers for older teens, but hell it’s the kids loans and you are finally free!
Cancer
The Crab: June 21st – July 21st
Horoscope: Your home zone is very much in focus, and it appears you have your work cut out. You always take your family responsibilities very seriously, but from now until sometime in 2012 you may have even more to deal with. The presence of Mars and Venus in the same zone suggests that it is time to negotiate with other family members.
Horrorscope: Looks like you have an older sibling that has finally left the nest. You may now be the oldest in the house. Good luck fighting for the bigger room. Your parents have plans for it and are probably already measuring for a hot tub that will fit in your older brother or sister’s room. Oh, you can try to negotiate but they have had their eye on that bedroom for like 5 years. No, of course they won’t be even more excited when you leave. They love YOU.
Leo
The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st
Horoscope: As Mercury continues to be retrograde in your financial zone, you still need to be careful when making major purchases. Later this week the Sun moves to conjunct Mercury, which may help enlighten you concerning a problem that you have so far failed to resolve. Communication issues are also highlighted. You seem particularly keen to get in touch with anyone you have fallen out with. You want to make amends, heal broken hearts, and start off again on fresh footing.
Horrorscope: It’s never good to have a retrograded financial zone but particularly in this economy. Obviously you must be one of those poor middle class families that can’t afford a big TV but also don’t get financial aid for your spawn. Gonna be a rough few years but make sure you stay on the little jackass so he doesn’t flunk out and end up back home mooching off you till he is 40.
Virgo
The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st
Horoscope: You are doing all you can to get your finances back on track. You are no longer so interested in buying luxury items that may look good but have no real function. Your whole philosophy around possessions and consumerism is undergoing a change. When you are tempted to buy something new because it is easier you have instead opted to get the old model repaired, which saved you money and created less waste. Recycling will soon become even more important to you.
Horrorscope: Ah the shock of being a freshman in college will hit you hard. Just a year ago you were whining to mom and dad that you deserved an iPad. Let’s see how well you do eating Ramen noodles and stealing your roommates pizza for a few years! “Recycling will soon become even more important to you”. Yeah, remember those end of the summer shopping sprees in grades K-12? You know, the one’s on your parent’s credit cards? OVER! In the grown up world be prepared to wear the same clothes in back to back Septembers for once.
Libra
The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd
Horoscope: You are certainly busy and this phase of heightened activity looks set to continue for some time. You are taking your goals very seriously and plotting your course for the best possible results. You are ready to take it to the limit and discover the genius you naturally are.
Horrorscope: Oh boy you are one of those uber-students that reads the recommended reading on the syllabus and even knows when the test are weeks in advance. Honestly that’s probably a good thing as it’s very important you do well in school. Because Bumble happens to know your parents are packing up your room at home right now and turning it into an exercise spa!
Scorpio
The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st
Horoscope: You may have had several unexpected meetings with friends or lovers from the past. If you have been planning a reunion or meeting of some kind, think about holding off on this until Friday, as the influence is perfect for catching up on news and gossip and generally having fun. Your love life continues to be exciting and fast paced. Someone has set their sights on you, and is very keen to get to know you better. You know how to get the best out of these situations.
Horrorscope: If you are a freshman, you can expect to run into some old loves from high school and have some awkward moments at a frat party. If you are returning to college you’ll be excited to catch up with old friends, reignite old flames and “generally have fun”. Looks like for some of you “your love life continues to be exciting and fast paced”. God bless the sorority girls!
Sagittarius
The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th
Horoscope: You are eager to become more creative around the home by looking for fresh and innovative ways to make your living space more colorful, comfortable, and interesting. The more you are willing to use your imagination, the more fun and exciting this project will be. Allow yourself to get into a playful spirit, and enjoy experimenting in a number of different ways to get the effects you are after. You will probably want to incorporate some ethnic and exotic themes.
Horrorscope: What to do with the brat’s bedroom now? Bumble suggests you make it into a man-cave, “sewing room” or buy you and the spouse a love swing. Not sure about ethnic themes, but it sounds like you will finally have a place for your exotic toys.
Capricorn
The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th
Horoscope: You have been through testing times over recent weeks, but over the coming days you will be able to make progress, as long as you have a plan to work toward and are willing to compromise when things don’t work out as you hope. Mercury continues to be retrograde, so take extra care when signing legal documents. If you have no option but to go ahead, check out the terms and conditions thoroughly, and keep any relevant paperwork. You may need it!
Horrorscope: It seems leaving home was a little harder for you than others. Maybe you are a mama’s boy or daddy’s little girl. Get a grip! You can probably tweet them right from class. Be prepared to compromise as after years of complaining about your lack of privacy at home you have finally become an adult and are off to college!
Too bad that means you now have a roommate and less privacy than ever! Try not to have sex with them in the room even if they are sleeping. They aren’t sleeping. Nobody sleeps through that, they are just too embarrassed to move. Also be careful signing legal documents such as student loans and or signing up for free t-shirts that come with credit cards. It sounds great until 10 years later when you are still paying 19% interest on a pizza you ate a decade ago.
Aquarius
The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th
Horoscope: You are continuing to research ways to create streams of income. Your ideas could make you wealthy, as long as you are willing to make them happen. A pleasant aspect over the weekend suggests a meeting that may have romantic potential. You could meet that special someone while away on vacation, or on a residential workshop. He or she may seem totally perfect, but could have a few secrets that you need to know about. Don’t take them at face value – dig deeper!
Horrorscope: Bumble suggests you sign up for work study. They pay you to sit in the student union while you screw around on your Droid. Plus, having an extra $20 a week now separates you from the poor slobs drinking Milwaukee’s Best and let’s you upgrade to Keystone.
Hunnie, everyone thinks they met that special someone in the first week of college. By Halloween he or she will have banged your roommate, a frat or sorority and half your freshman “friends”. Don’t sweat it! Life is a bitter mistress and better to learn that while you are young. :p
Pisces
The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th
Horoscope: With Saturn in Libra until 2012, you may have to deal with situations that most people prefer to avoid. Some of these include helping friends or perhaps your partner to come to terms with a loss, or encouraging them to let go of patterns that are sabotaging their best interests. In all of these areas your help and support will be invaluable.
Horrorscope: Looks like some of your friends have “empty nest” syndrome and don’t seem ready to let their little baby go off to the world. That can get unhealthy if they pester the crap out of their brat while they are at school. Try to keep her busy, possibly by helping you renovate your kid’s bedroom. You know her kids. They aren’t that smart. Chances are the little jerk will flunk out and be home by Thanksgiving! Don’t tell them that of course. =)
