HORRORScopes! Funny Horoscopes For The Week of July 12th

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Love will certainly be confusing early this week! Love planet Venus is extraordinarily fickle on Tuesday. First you’ll want freedom in your romantic arena. Once it’s yours, you’ll fall passionately in love with an admirer. Mixed signals predominate as the Moon in indecisive Libra is square underhanded Pluto on Friday. Don’t take people at face value. Watch for hidden agendas, especially on the job. Surprises abound when the Moon is quincunx erratic Uranus on Sunday. Expect the unexpected to occur.

Ooooh Horoscopes.com took some real risks this week. “Love will be confusing” – when isn’t it?? “Don’t take people at face value.” – duh. Finally, “Watch for hidden agendas, especially on the job.” That’s the only kind of agendas on the job! Sheesh, not much for Bumble to work with this week, as these are even more vague than usual. Fear not! Bumble will sort it out for you.

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope: You’re a thrill seeker, Aries. As an impulsive Ram, you often look for activities that will kick up your adrenaline. On Monday your urge for excitement will propel you to the danger zone. Exercise caution! On Friday you may feel befuddled. The Moon in your zone of daily activities opposes hazy Neptune, adding confusion to your regular routine. You may get lost walking around the house.

Horrorscope: On Monday you will give way to impulse and decide to post an idea for how to fix the Gulf Oil Disaster on bp’s website. Though your idea is completely ridiculous, and primarily involves plugging the hole with Justin Bieber and his fans; you are surprised to hear back within minutes from a top BP executive.

By midweek you will be rushed to Houston for a “rapid orientation” with top BP representatives.  They consider your orientation complete once you are befuddled, confused in your regular routine, and able to get lost walking around your own house. Welcome to team British Petroleum!

Bumble suggests the next time you feel like being impulsive you do something less harmful to you in the long term. Like having unprotected sex with a gang of IV drug users on a structurally unsound diving board above a pool full of crocodiles.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Hold steady, Taurus! This week you need to keep on an even keel. Yes, you’ll have challenges to face. On Tuesday you’ll need to call on your fortitude. Your ruler Venus is trine potent Pluto and you’ll have an abundance of powerful energy at your disposal. Persistence pays off on Friday. Plug along until you reach your objective. Follow your instincts on Saturday. It isn’t the time to let logic lead the way. Instead, rely on your inner voice.

Horrorscope: Obviously, you already work for British Petroleum. Trying to keep on an even keel proves difficult in oil sodden ocean water. After many challenges you will realize that BILLIONS of dollars are waiting for you to come up with a viable solution that doesn’t involve Justin Bieber and his fans. Keep “plugging” along until you reach your objective. The world depends on it! On Saturday you will cast logic aside (when did you have logic on your side anyway??) and go with gut instinct and make a viable suggestion. Sadly even BP employees can be fired when they suggest plugging the well with BP executives.

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: You have the ability to visualize your goals. Your ruler is mental Mercury and you possess the gift of clear thinking. You’ll receive a burst of insight on Monday when the Moon is conjunct Mercury. You’ll understand how to achieve your objective in a certain situation. Stay away from difficult people on Wednesday. You’ll encounter someone who goes out of his or her way to provoke you. Honesty matters on Sunday. Admit to a loved one you made a mistake.

Horrorscope: Obviously, you do NOT work for BP. Given an ability to visualize your goals, and being blessed with the gift of clear thinking would make you a rare bird at BP. Monday you will be given a burst of insight – “You would be a rare bird at BP”. That’s it, Bumble gave you the insight. Now go and apply for a job as CEO at British Petroleum! After receiving the job and a generous signing bonus, you undergo the “rapid orientation” on Thursday. By Sunday you need to tell your spouse that signing a deal with the devil was a horrible error in judgment. Not to worry, the average career span for your position is less than one Horrorscope cycle. By next week it will be like this never even happened.

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: You’ll need to step out of your comfort zone this week. On Monday the Moon in Cancer is quincunx hazy Neptune. You’ll have to go the distance to set matters right in a complicated matter. Your sense of positive well-being will rise on Wednesday. As your spirits improve, physical ailments will start to evaporate. On Sunday you’ll need to step back and let a family member make his or her own choices. It’s time to let go in this situation.

Horrorscope: Though a Cancer you are also likely an oil covered Brown Pelican living in the Gulf Coast. After several meetings with workers just making chit chat you will suggest plugging the hole with BP executives! One in particular will listen to you at his own peril. Wednesday the now unemployed BP worker will take you home with him and clean you up. You start to begin feeling better once the crude is removed from your feathers. This process is time consuming, but your new buddy is unemployed and has a huge severance package to invest in your care. Congrats! You are one of the lucky ones. Now, can you convince your family to join you?

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: Get ready for a major revelation on Monday. You’ll realize you aren’t living life in a way that makes you happy. It’s time to create the lifestyle that suits you. Exasperation will be your main mood on Tuesday. You’ll have a hard time making a choice in a certain situation. Be prepared to experience frustration as you wrestle with your decision. You’ll give a friend one last chance to make amends when the Moon sextiles Mercury in Leo on Saturday.

Horrorscope: And now everyone’s favorite lion, the confused and ever submissive Leo. This week a major revelation! You finally realize that being buggered by cosmic tarts is no way for a big cat to behave! Congratulations! It’s time to create a new lifestyle that suits you. Start acting like a cat! Go ahead, give that friend one last chance to make amends. But if he or she tries to sextile your moon, maul them! Bumble would!

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

Persistence is one of your best traits, Virgo. Your resourcefulness will come in handy on Wednesday. The Moon in Virgo is quincunx erratic Uranus and an aspect of your life will change without warning. Remember, you can always make lemonade out of lemons. You’ll dig out your detective hat on Friday. You’ll need to poke around for the truth in a certain situation. On Sunday you’ll have to take charge in a matter of great importance. Access your personal power.

Horrorscope: Uh oh, an aspect of your life will change without warning! And this on the heels of being bitten by an obsessed vampire wannabe last week! Whatever could it be? Bumble suspects blood lust! Yes, you can make lemonade out of lemons but you can’t make blood out of tomato juice. Unfortunately you are now one of the walking undead. It was bound to happen as a frequent visitor to infidel nation. In any case, the stars predict that if you put on your “detective hat” you’ll find a truth and Sunday you will take charge in a matter of great importance. Bumble suspects the great truth is that you are a rube. Even naive enough to believe when a cat suggests you have become nosferatu. =)

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: You usually go out of your way to cooperate with others. After all, congenial Venus is your ruling planet! On Tuesday Venus is quincunx excessive Jupiter and you’ll stop being so accommodating to others. You’ll go off in search of peace and quiet on Friday. You thrive on harmony. Feel free to remove yourself from chaos. Guidance may be in short supply on Sunday. You’ll need to rely on your personal resources. It’s time to make your own life decisions.

Horrorscope: Last week Bumble suggested you quit your job and find something more lucrative. He did NOT say to go work for BP!!! What is wrong with you? “Feel free to remove yourself from chaos” – get the heck out of that company! They are going down like a girlfriend trying to become a fiance! “It’s time to make your own life decisions” – For gods sakes don’t actually let Bumble effect your life, particularly if it ends up with stupid decisions like choosing to work for British Petroleum!

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: You have a lot of inner strength, but of course you’re still human! On Wednesday you might experience a lot of stress. Try to rest and relax. An associate will be up to no good on Friday. The Moon is square your ruling planet Pluto and you’ll tangle with someone who isn’t on your side. Keep a lid on all personal matters when this person is around. On Sunday you’ll feel restless. Find ways to burn off excess energy.

Horrorscope: Well it appears you went ahead with your hell bent desire to pursue higher education. What did you do? Did you sign up for an engineering class at University of Phoenix online? Be very careful now! Even enrolling in an engineering class can lead to aggressive cold calls from headhunters at BP. “You have a lot of inner strength” – not enough to survive “rapid orientation”, trust Bumble for once. “Find ways to burn off excess energy” – NO! That does not mean you should literally find ways to burn oil off of water and go work for BP. Buy P-90x or a shakeweight or something. Do NOT pick up the phone when BP calls, and for heavens sakes drop out of your online class.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You always say what’s on your mind, Sagittarius. You’re very blunt! On Monday you’ll need to be diplomatic when talking to a close associate. Be careful about making a promise to a friend on Friday. The Moon in your zone of friendship opposes extravagant Jupiter and you’ll be unable to fulfill your pledge. On Sunday an issue you don’t want to deal with will pop up. You won’t be able to sweep this matter under the rug.

Horrorscope: Bumble suspects you work in the PR department of a certain battered and beaten oil company. Why you ask? Well … “you’ll be unable to fulfill your pledge”, “an issue you don’t want to deal with will pop up”, “you won’t be able to sweep this matter under the rug”. It is amazing how many people work for BP! It’s also amazing how the horoscopes this week are overtly loaded with the current events. Oh well, these horoscopes were pretty weak to be honest. Check back next week when you will probably be getting buggered by a Lion or something.

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: Change is hard for you. However, now that Pluto is in Capricorn, you’re walking on the road of transformation. On Tuesday you’ll make a life-altering decision. You may have an “oops” moment on Friday. The Moon opposes unpredictable Uranus in your home zone, and you’ll need to be especially careful around the house. Watch your step! You’ll be ready to pamper yourself this weekend. Remember, you have the right to indulge yourself occasionally. Devote time to your own needs.

Horrorscope: This doesn’t sound good. You will have an oops moment with your moon being opposed by your unpredictable anus. Sounds like the stress is getting to you. Do you work at BP too? Is there anyone that doesn’t work there? Not this week as Bumble is now on full blown BP rant. Hey, the irony is that at least SOME people DO work for BP and are bound to read these. “Remember, you have the right to indulge yourself occasionally. Devote time to your own needs.” – Last week weren’t you so worked up from seeing Eclipse that you uh already did indulge yourself? The stars say occasionally, let’s not get chronic about “our own needs”.

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: You can usually see an argument from your opponent’s point of view. However, Venus is quincunx Jupiter in your zone of communication on Tuesday and you’ll be at odds with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs. Keep the big picture in sight on Friday. Ask yourself what you truly hope to accomplish in a certain matter. If you aren’t sure, it may be time to cease action until you know the answer. Your thoughts will be extremely scattered on Sunday.

Horrorscope: Quote from last week “Colleagues will be even dumber than usual. As frustrating as it is when you are surrounded by idiots, it does ensure that you will always stand out for being smart.” Bumble really should have seen that as a sign of where you worked. Need Bumble even say it?

“Tuesday you will be at odds with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs” – Someone will suggest plugging the oil well with Justin Bieber. You will point out that though he is a VP, the physics do not make this a viable solution. Using a white board you will demonstrate that the pressure at 5,000 feet would crush Beiber into a small (though even cuter) ball and shoot him back to the surface.

Friday you will remember to keep the big picture in sight. The big picture for you is that you need to stay at that company if for no other reason than to have at least one sane brain in the house. Concede on the Bieber idea. What the heck, it may not work but what bad can come of it.

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Don’t listen to advice from others this week. On Wednesday you’ll need to rely on yourself when making life choices. Unfinished business from the past may pop up on Friday. The Moon is quincunx your ruling planet, escapist Neptune, and you’ll have to deal with an issue you thought was put to rest. You could be in denial regarding this situation. Check to make sure you have the real scoop before confronting a friend on Sunday. Remember, gossip is unreliable!

Horrorscope: <Stunned silence> “Don’t listen to advice from others this week”??? That’s the first line of your horoscope? Bumble cannot work like this. This kind of paradox is likely to tear a hole in the very fabric of the cosmos on which horoscope writers rely! Arrrrrrrrgh.