HORRORScopes! Funny Horoscopes For The Week of July 5th

Weekly Overview of the Planets:

Uranus turns retrograde on Monday in Aries, which brings this powerful evolutionary force into the inner domain. You get the opportunity to liberate yourself from oppressive inner patterns. Mercury moves into Leo, which brings a dramatic flourish to all your communications. Venus moves into Virgo, which can coincide with compulsive cleanliness and a desire to be as perfect as possible. The Solar Eclipse in Cancer at the end of the week is a chance for a fresh start.

Aries will have a retrograde anus on Monday. Bumble told you not to eat potato salad that had been in the sun all day. More unsurprising news, someone else enters Leo!

Aries

The Ram: March 21st – April 20th

Horoscope: You may have been active in the world and blasting away obstacles to your wildest dreams. But from this week, you’ll want to turn the spotlight on your inner world, specifically those areas in which you’ve been holding yourself hostage. It’s time to aim for liberation. From Friday you’ll be full of creative ideas, so make use of them. The Eclipse on Sunday encourages you to make changes at home. One in particular may be long overdue.

Horrorscope: Yes indeed, turn the spotlight on your inner world. particularly you may want to get rid of whatever nasty parasite you caught at the picnic on the 4th. Bumble suspects you will spend a lot of time on the thrown early this week. Bumble is not one to say he told you so. Actually, in the horoscope game one kind of has to do that. So Bumble told you so! But no… you had to eat the potato salad. As Uranus goes retrograde on you, sit and contemplate the dangers of not heeding your Horrorscope next time. Friday you’ll be inspired with some creativity. Bumble imagines it is a new type of softer toilet paper.

After seeing Twilight – Eclipse you will realize what a waste of time those books and movies have been. You will finally take the Taylor Lautner poster down from above your bed.

Taurus

The Bull: April 21st – May 20th

Horoscope: Your best ideas come naturally and instinctively. This week you may see the light as a Solar Eclipse in Cancer and your communication zone helps you get a fresh perspective on an ongoing problem. Mercury moves into Leo and your home zone, which will help you bring a few creative flourishes to any DIY work you’ve been doing. When Venus enters Virgo, you may find yourself falling in love with an ultra-cool someone who has plenty of style!

Horrorscope: Apparently the Solar Eclipse will cause some disruptions to your wifi. You will be forced to stop Tweeting and playing Farmville for a few hours. Use this time wisely to work outside in your actual garden and leave your virtual garden alone for a few hours. The goddess of love entering the virgin will have you all hot and bothered. You will join the immeasurable multitude of followers with crushes on Bumble. Go Team Bumble!

Gemini

The Twins: May 21st – June 20th

Horoscope: As Uranus turns retrograde in Aries, so you may begin to reflect on why you attract the kind of friends you do. Not that there is anything wrong with them. Actually, they may have been very helpful lately in a madcap kind of way. Then there’s the Solar Eclipse in Cancer and your personal financial zone, which could encourage you to reorganize your financial affairs or perhaps become more proactive where your money is concerned. It just takes courage!

Horrorscope: The fact that you even know about your Aries friend’s diarrhea should make you take time to reflect on the kinds of friends you have. Maybe twitter friends are just twits after all?

Darn! You still haven’t scraped together enough money to go see the new Twilight movie, Eclipse! Be courageous and just ask your parents for $8 and a ride to the mall. What’s that? You aren’t a 13 year old girl? Then quit acting like it and stop being obsessed with those weenie movies!! You make Bumble sad!

Cancer

The Crab: June 21st – July 21st

Horoscope: Mars in Virgo is stirring up your communication zone, which may mean you have a lot more administrative tasks to attend to than usual. You’ll be more determined than ever to get in touch with old friends, brothers, and sisters. The New Moon Eclipse in your sign brings you a chance to plant new seeds. You may not have planned to make changes so soon, but it looks as though you’re going to be propelled into fresh adventures. Enjoy yourself!

Horrorscope: The New Moon Eclipse is in your sign! You should win free tickets to see the new Twilight movie! Good for you! Embrace your inner “angst ridden 13 year old girl” and go see it. Unfortunately you will need a ride and have to go with family unless you can find a Gemini that is hard up for $8. Just remember to stay Team Bumble and not get recruited onto one of those poser teams. Team Edward/Team Jacob… sheesh. Team Bumble would Jihad all over their creature feature butts.

Leo

The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st

Horoscope: There is still plenty of action in your adventure zone, but as Uranus is now turning retrograde, some of your explorations may be more philosophical or academic. You might be keen to explore patterns of belief and relinquish any that seem to be holding you back. The weeks ahead are all about taking it to the limit. Don’t allow negative blocks to prevent you from getting as much out of life as you can. The Eclipse on Sunday could bring powerful dreams.

Horrorscope: Leo, Leo, Leo! What is Bumble to do with you? Still getting action in your adventure zone with your poor retrograde anus. Sigh. “The weeks ahead will be all about taking it to the limit” – what haven’t you already done? “There can’t be much more left! The Eclipse on Sunday could bring powerful dreams” – dream all you want little hussy lion, Robert Pattinson will not add you as a friend on Facebook. You can add Bumble though which is hardly a consolation prize. :p

Virgo

The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st

Horoscope:

Venus joins Mars in your sign and makes you feel loved and loveable. You’re still on the rampage and keen to get ahead with plans and projects. Sometimes you might even override others’ plans in order to get your way – not obviously but subtly. The  Eclipse in your social zone brings many opportunities to move in new circles and get in with the right crowd. You may not even have a choice in this matter. Que sera, sera!

Horrorscope: The week starts out with you rededicating yourself to finishing the whole boring Stephanie Meyers series. You are always late to join the party! You’ll finally finish Eclipse in time to go see the movie. But this proves to be a bad decision! Oh no! You will actually get bitten by someone at the movie theater that is convinced he is a vampire! This will bring an opportunity to move in new circles if you are willing to avoid sunlight and die your hair black.

Libra

The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd

Horoscope: Career matters take center stage with a Solar Eclipse in Cancer. You may find that you’re pushed into a new situation where your job is concerned, whether you feel ready for it or not. This might mean getting a promotion or finally obtaining the job of your dreams. Due to issues at your job, you could decide to leave one line of work and take up another, which ultimately proves very rewarding. Your love life continues to be unpredictable.

Horrorscope: Good for you! You are apparently immune to stupid Vampire movies. Your coworkers are not. Someone will screw up and get canned for watching Eclipse clips on YouTube or passing out bootleg copies of Eclipse. This presents an opportunity to get a slightly bigger cubicle! And your guidance counselor said you couldn’t apply yourself! Rubbish! But with that cubicle comes the pressure of being adequate in another unrewarding office veal job. You should quit and get a job that is more rewarding, like bootlegging movies.

Scorpio

The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st

Horoscope: This is a great time to network and think about expanding your social connections. You’re certainly a lot more proactive about being seen in all the right places. Venus moves into Virgo later in the week, which makes everything very cozy. The Solar Eclipse in Cancer on Sunday rings in the changes, especially when it comes to higher education and academic studies. If you want to get a degree, this might be the time to go for it.

Horrorscope: Venus in Virgo aside, you really need to get your head out of Uranus. Last week Bumble told you not to waste your money on a higher education. You seem determined to pursue it and resist Bumble’s advice. If you can get Aries out of the crapper, ask them if ignoring your Horrorscope is a good idea. I suppose if you are going to do it, Bumble is obligated to make it as easy for you as possible. At the very least don’t over commit yourself. Sign up for one class at the University of Phoenix online and see how you do there. No sense in overdoing it.

Sagittarius

The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th

Horoscope: You’re keen to make a splash in your career and you’re happy to be in the spotlight. Mars in Virgo encourages you to take action and get results creating a detailed schedule and planning ahead. The more you do this, the more successful you’ll be. Meanwhile, Jupiter and Uranus in Aries give your creative abilities a massive boost. You love to gamble and the stakes have never seemed better. Don’t blow your fortune in the wind. Take a calculated risk.

Horrorscope: Hey, we are all keen to make a splash in our careers. You think Bumble wants to write Horrorscopes for the rest of his money earning years?!? What makes you so special? Ooooh Mars is in Virgo whoop de doo! Well, go ahead and plan, you never know. It might work out. The gambling seems more likely to pay off. Break open your piggy bank and go to the casino. Once you have won enough to put your master career plan in motion (one course at U of Phoenix Online), cash out immediately. Best of luck to you, you whiny. silly, archer. “My job sucks, poor me”. We all hate our jobs buttercup. Quit looking to the stars to tell you to it’s ok to be successful.

Capricorn

The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th

Horoscope: The week ahead is building to a Solar Eclipse in your relationship zone, which is going to ring in the changes. This Eclipse is like a turbocharged New Moon, which will push you to take things to the next inevitable stage. If your relationship is strong, you may decide to initiate a challenging project together. If you don’t see eye to eye, you may want to separate and go it alone. Whatever the scenario, you’ll benefit further down the line.

Horrorscope: Ok Bumble swears someone at Horoscopes.com is a Stephanie Meyers fan. “This Eclipse is like a turbocharged New Moon”! It looks like you and your significant other are off to see the new film. If you haven’t yet gotten horizontal, this flick will do the trick. If you are on solid relationship ground already this will be enough to push him/her over the hump (so to speak). If not, you will both be uh ready but have to separate and “go it alone”. Hey, no shame in that. Practice makes perfect.

Aquarius

The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th

Horoscope: Uranus, your ruling planet, turns retrograde on Monday in your ideas zone. You may become even more aware of your intuition and your ability to simply “know” the answers to impossible questions or problems. As Mercury moves into Leo, so you and your partner may find yourselves talking and sharing your feelings more often. Make it an ongoing habit to check in with each other. The Lunar Eclipse in Cancer on Sunday could bring changes to work or health issues.

Horrorscope: Bumble really feels sorry for anyone that is ruled by Uranus. It just sounds dirty or at best like you have chronic gas. At least you are smart. Your intelligence will become even more apparent this week as at work. Colleagues will be even dumber than usual. As frustrating as it is when you are surrounded by idiots, it does ensure that you will always stand out for being smart. Or at least not drooling during meetings.

Looks like a decent week on the love front too. Of course Sunday you will see Eclipse whether you want to or not. Hey, the stars are really pushing this movie. What can ya do? Bumble isn’t sure how that could lead to health issues unless you forget to hover instead of sit in the nasty movie theater ladies room. Always hover in public, never sit!

What’s that? You are a boy? Bah, says you! No self respecting non-neutered male would go see Eclipse (unless there was the promise of some nookie in it).

Pisces

The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th

Horoscope: Venus may help soothe any ruffled feathers in terms of your love life and other associations. Any criticisms may be countered by a determination to meet each other half way. The Solar Eclipse on Sunday takes place in your creative zone and could bring opportunities to make better use of your creative skills. Perhaps you could create a business that’s based on any artistic talents you might have. If you fall in love, don’t commit until the following week.

Horrorscope: Finally you have come off your high horse. No talk of saving the world this week anyway. You will be inspired by your movie going to turn capitalist pig and turn your creative powers to the dark side of making money. What ever happened to that cute little altruistic guppy from the last few weeks? Bumble metaphorically ate it! Stupid altruism. Use your artistic talents for business. Create some cool T-Shirt designs for Bumble or something. It pays nothing! Oh where is your bent for charitable contributions now?? Bumble asks for something and its all about the money!

“If you fall in love, don’t commit until the following week” – Well it’s always sound advice to make them wait and want it a little. But don’t hold out too long. There are tons of hornball vampire freaks out there waiting to pounce on your new love. Better at least offer a little somethin somethin before you get eclipsed by a goth whore.