Corn on the 4th of July!
Today is the 4th of July! Bumble hates it! Bumble is not allowed outside on the 4th because of the high ratio of M-80′s to drunk cat haters. It seems like a weird holiday to Bumble. Humans get drunk at noon, eat undercooked clams and then blow stuff up. After dark the now gassy, dehydrated humans assemble in big groups to watch fireworks.
Bumble decided to investigate the history behind this strange tradition. Now, Bumble is what you would call home schooled. That is, he is a cat and therefore not allowed to attend school. Basically the only information available to Bumble is from the internet or The History Channel. Frankly Bumble doesn’t see why we even need schools anymore. Bumble does just fine with Wikipedia and getting his news from The Colbert Report.
Bumble just wanted to warn you that many of these facts may be common knowledge to people that do attend schools. But for Bumble most of this is new and revolutionary! Here is what Bumble found out.
Did you know?
Americans (the fat ones today) were not the first people to live here! Shocking. Apparently there were some people from India here first. That explains all the 7-11′s. They must be the remaining descendents of the original “Americans”, and explains our need to celebrate the 4th with poorly cooked hot dogs.
About 500 years ago white people from Europe started to come here in ships! Again, Bumble was a little surprised. That seems like a long way to go in a boat for a Slushie. If you wanted a Slushie that bad at least book a flight.
The Indians were not very happy when the white people arrived and there were big wars. Wow, that seems like even worse customer service than you get in a 7-11 today. What were those Indians thinking opening 7-11′s five hundred years ago and then not wanting to serve white Europeans?
Who let Texas join?!?
About 200 years ago “America” was only 13 of the current states. Texas wasn’t yet part of it. Why the heck did we ever let them join?! Bumble cannot believe at some point the 13 colonies were saying “we need to add some slow speaking people that think High School Football is a religion”. Obviously they were only allowed to join because they had oil. Death to you Texans!!!
Anyway, the 13 colonies were made up of a hodge podge of people from Europe. And just who ruled them? A British Monarch! Really!
Admittedly this is where it gets a little confusing to Bumble. Apparently there was a great deal of outrage by Americans at being ruled by the British. They are a good sidekick now and everything and do help us in our wars. But the thought of them ruling us is a bit ridiculous. At the time though, they were in charge and made Americans drink Tea! Bleah! The Brits also made us pay taxes and wanted to take all of our natural resources.
We want beer! We want beer!
Of course this led to a revolution! Stupid Brits, Americans are beer drinkers, not tea drinkers! So on July 4th, 1776 Americans declared their independence with a formal declaration! The Revolutionary War was under way! Bumble is all for that kind of thing. Kill whitey! Death to “the man”! It all seems to make sense now. Beer is the anti-tea! So obviously it is appropriate to drink beer on the 4th and of course blow stuff up.
Halliburton must have provided the Camo.
The Brits as it turned out were severely overdressed for the war. Clothed in the worst camouflage ever, they decided to try to put down the American Revolution. Really? On the fourth of July? When everyone and their Uncle are drunk and armed to the teeth with M-80′s? That doesn’t sound like a good military strategy at all!
Given the disadvantages, the Brits actually managed to make a good showing. Bumble would have thought the whole conflict was fought on the 4th of July. But the war actually lasted from 1776 to 1783.
After years of fighting with the Redcoats the French actually helped the colonies win independence once and for all. The French?!? No, it’s true!
Thank you Lafayette!
Once the French got involved, the British finally realized they had seen it all. So they gave up and went home. Bumble suspects it had more to do with the fact that British soldiers got tired of being forced to walk in straight lines in bright red coats while being shot at by rednecks in the bushes. Nevertheless, to celebrate the 4th it’s tradition to honor the French with French Onion Dip and French’s Mustard on your Hot Dogs.
Finally in 1783 a treaty was signed in Paris finally making America forever free from the British. Never again would we allow the British to take our natural resources, rape the land and tax the heck out of us! Thank god for that!
Sweet freedom! Happy 4th!
Disclaimer from Daddy: I implore you not to cite Bumble in your school papers. Someone recently commented that an article helped them with a school paper. Bumble tries, but citing Bumble is bound to make you the exception to “No child left behind”.
