Lately Bumble has invested a significant amount of nap time researching ways to make Infidel Nation “internet famous”. While looking into the confusing options Bumble stumbled on some disturbing facts. The result is nothing short of a mind blowing conspiracy to control our very behavior!
This is hot stuff, the kind of stuff that makes you labeled “The Informant”. Before elaborating let Bumble just say, he does not have cancer now nor does he drive. Should he develop aggressive cancer or die in a mysterious one car accident consider this theory validated and move to someplace with no wifi immediately.
First Bumble started looking into search engine optimization. As it turns out, there is a confusing set of enigmatic algorithms that determine where you rank for keywords in search engines. This algorithm is proprietary knowledge and a highly guarded secret within Yahoo, Bing and Google enclaves. Starting to smell the conspiracy yet?
As it turns out they have a secret plot for capitalizing on the thoughts that you post online! The stated goal is to identify the authoritative site on a topic and rank it higher than all other sites. Here are some of the factors that have been determined to be highly influential.
- Backlinks (links from other sites to you). These are viewed as a trust factor. In other words even if you are crazy, enough people linking to your site you will move up in the keyword searches for a given topic.
- SEO “Friendly content” – This means words or phrases people actually search for and whether or not they are relevant to your site. That seems harmless enough. Why would Bumble come up for a search on “Rutabagas” when Infidel Nation has nothing to do with it. Actually now, Bumble will probably get indexed for Rutabagas. If anyone thinks of a way for Bumble to capitalize on that please let Bumble know!
So far that seems harmless enough as well. After all, search engines rely on computer programs and have to have some logic to calculate your ranks. But wait! There’s more!
Bumble also recently discovered that some major corporations are now using computer robots to write the content on their websites! Think about that, computers generating information which is ranked by other computers to control what you see when you search for Rutabagas!
Aha! Googlebot and Wootbot! Using German Titles no less!
Aha! Bumble has crossed paths with Googlebot before! As expected he has German tendencies! Clearly he cannot be the mastermind. He is a stupid bucket of bolts! Death to you GoogleBot! Death to you!!!
Sorry about that, Bumble still has unresolved anger issues from the interview. Obviously there is someone above GoogleBot pulling the strings. And just what is the end game for them?
We know the goal is to promote “authoritative” sites. Notice the resemblance to authoritarian? But Bumble has recently discovered that the true goal is to create one master site that is the authority on all! No, not Wikipedia! They are nice humans writing that stuff and may be our only hope of mounting resistance before it is too late! pant pant…
If the conspirators are all collaborating to funnel and distort all knowledge into one master site, who is the mastermind? Who could wield such epic power? Afterall, Google, Yahoo and Bing are all different companies in competition. Or are they?
More shocking news! Bumble has discovered that the majority share holder in all three companies is the same person! He hides his identity by laundering his holdings through multi-national hedge funds, so do not attempt to verify this. It is algorithmic. Bumble alone has the paper trail to prove this and Bumble alone will now reveal him to the world!
Click the folder to see all of the pieces fall into place. Infidel’s honor, it is not a Rick Roll.
