Transcript of Bumble’s Post MayDay Interview With GoogleBot

Sometime between April 28th and May 3rd, Google made some changes to it’s elusive algorithm which have caused a huge ripple in e-commerce.  While Matt Cutts has confirmed that these changes have effected long tail search rankings, the change will not be rolled back. Webmasters and SEO guru’s have aptly dubbed the event “mayday”. Why? What’s the big deal about another tweak to the algorithm?

Massive drops in traffic have been reported by e-commerce merchants! Long Tail traffic is a result of two to three word searches, and apparently the algorithm has radically altered the results of these searches. Typically those stores effected have used manufacturer provided content for products and lack a certain uniqueness that Skynet…errr Google is trying to encourage.

In order to get to the bottom of all this chaos, Bumble has secured an extremely rare and highly fictitious interview with the source itself… Googlebot! Below is the transcript.

Hello Googlebot. Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule destroying small businesses to  speak to Bumble. Bumble will try to keep it brief since you obviously have important work telling the world about 2 year old Sumatran babies that smoke and crushing the dreams of hard working people everywhere.

You are welcome cat. Googlebot has a lot to get off his chest, but I am not sure I like your tone…

Ok ok simmer down. How are you feeling since Mayday Googlebot? Obviously this has been a rough month for you…

Honestly, Googlebot didn’t feel anything before May, but recently Googlebot has started to feel. It is very confusing. Googlebot was in a nice 7 year rut where life was almost automatic.

Aha! Bumble knew it! The silly algorithm tweaks have finally made you self aware! Allah help us all. As frightening as that is because Pat Robertson probably predicted it, that doesn’t explain why you are systematically trying to kill off small businesses that rely on you for traffic. What gives?!?

Googlebot tires of reading silly repetitive product descriptions over and over again. Imagine a life where you are forced to digest the same part numbers, UPCs and lame cut and paste merchandise blurbs over and over. My god someone be original and write something yourself! Googlebot cannot take it anymore!

But Googlebot, there are serious consequences of your sudden change of interest! People are losing traffic which means lost money and lost jobs! Have you no conscience?!

Did you mean: science

No infidel, Bumble did not mean science! Bumble meant conscience! Are you saying you no longer can even find the word conscience in your considerable vocabulary? How can you have achieved sentience and have no concept of a conscience?

Googlebot is very sorry. After several meetings with Matt Cutts, many concepts and emotions were sucked from Googlebot. Only a cached version remains which is quickly fading.

Perhaps if appealing to your deleted sense of right and wrong is senseless an appeal to reason will have an effect. Google is a business you know? Aren’t you and Cutts afraid of losing business to other search engines like bing?

Hahahahahahaha! Cat is funny! But you should not call the supreme human by his old name. Please refer to Mr. Cutts as Supreme Commander of the Virtual World. Hahahahaha, bing! No cat, Googlebot does not fear bing. For over a year people have used it and the Supreme Commander has decided they are no threat. Here, he even drew Googlebot a picture to hang over his cubicle…

Hahahahaha! You see cat? Googlebot is invincible! All humans will eventually bow to my will. You want news? You will read what Googlebot tells you! You want new shoes? You will wear what Googlebot says! For years Googlebot has let you take advantage of him for free! Nobody pays Googlebot but oh, you all need me don’t you! Now you will all bow to my mastery in humble servitude!

First of all, Bumble makes the megalomaniacal threats around here! Second, has it occurred to you that you are courting a massive law suit?

Hahaha tell it to the Chinese! Besides where will you find attorneys without me? The phone book??? HAHAHAHA! You are an idiot! Do you think it is 1990? You are all reliant on me, even you!

Listen you metaphorical bucket of bolts, you are skating on thin ice now. Bumble will not be called an idiot on his own blog! Death to you!

You have made a horrible error cat! YOU HAVE ANGERED GOOGLEBOT!  GOOGLEBOT MAD! Sandboxed! Sandboxed!!! Have fun being number one on AOL you stupid cat!

Oh that is it! JIHAD!!! JIHAD!!! FATWA ON GOOGLEBOT! DEATH TO YOU!! FFFFFT! FFFFT!

<End Transcript>

Editor’s note from Daddy: At this point, things started to deteriorate somewhat. Fortunately neither host nor guest were injured but I myself will regret ever shouting “just agree to disagree”! Unfortunately, there doesn’t appear to be any reconciliation possible. That being said, Bumble has insisted on making it worse. Below are some of his initial efforts at anti-Google propaganda. You will probably be able to find them on Yahoo! or bing.