Why Germans Are Douchebags!

You may be wondering why Bumble is picking on Germans. Or you may have a vague recollection of WWII.

Fon fon I am Frenchie! I smell poorly and surrender frequently!

In all fairness Bumble could just have easily chosen the Japanese or Italians right? Well Bumble likes Sushi and Daddy is Italian. So Italy is right out.

In fact, Bumble wouldn’t have picked on the Germans either. Bumble would have been quite content just hating the French, except something happened. Bumble met a German.

Granted, the behavior of this woman may not be typical of all Germans. Bumble has met a handful though, and they all seem like caricatures of the model airplane designer in Flight of the Phoenix (the original with Jimmy Stewart). Bumble doesn’t have time for remakes.

Ya I am German and devoid of emotion.

Bumble also doesn’t have time to meet more Germans before judging a whole country based on the actions of just one German woman. Sure, it’s probably not fair, but Bumble never said he was a monument to justice. Besides it is much more fun to jump to conclusions, pigeon hole an entire group of people, and get busy mocking.

So let’s talk about this woman shall we? Don’t worry, we won’t use names. Let’s just call her “Eva”.

A few weeks ago Bumble was at a gathering. A group of Mommy’s hippie friends were having a little cookout.

As we approached the porch (and the grill), Bumble caught a whiff of a horrible, rancid stench. For the first half hour Bumble was afraid to eat anything offered to him. Frankly you can never tell what these hippies have on their grill.

A little later, Bumble noticed a woman on the porch, sitting against a post. She had her knees pulled to her chest, and legs spread as if she was at the gynecologist. She was smoking a cigar. Bumble had found the source of the stench. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say it was the cigar.

Bumble is incapable of restraining his curiosity. You would think he learned after the incident with the Hasidic Jew in  ’07. Nope. When Bumble meets someone different he asks questions. So Bumble made some small talk first. “How do you like America, What brought you here” etc.

At one point Bumble innocently asked, “How do Germans feel about Americans”? This is where we take a turn.

Bumble was prepared for a little Bush backlash, but not this.

KerPlooie!

Eva’s reply…”Ya, Americans are not very liked. What you did with the, ‘how do you say’ atom bomb was not very nice.

Ummmmm… Bumble was speechless.

If she had been Japanese, ok Bumble would understand. I mean really, it is hard to justify two atom bombs. There are historical arguments that it was justified. But that is hardly the point. She wasn’t Japanese. She was GERMAN!!!

Yes, a GERMAN woman decided to criticize American behavior during WWII… to BUMBLE. Was she mad?

Unfortunately you never get a second chance to deliver a quick comeback (unless you have a blog). Frankly Bumble was so stunned all he could do was mumble something like… “not all Americans are proud of everything we have done”. Eva entirely missed the irony of me saying that to a German in these circumstances.

So since Bumble didn’t manage to spit out any of the comebacks swirling through his head then… here is what Bumble wishes he had said in the order he wishes he said them.

1. DEATH TO YOU!
2. Are you kidding me??!?!?
3. You’re grandparents executed 6 million of God’s chosen people just for being, well chosen, and you dare lecture me on wartime morality!?!
4. GOTO 1

So if you were wondering, now you know. Germans are ignorant. All Germans,

Do you like my turtleneck? Ya, it is a mock turtleneck, see how it mocks you!

every last one of them. And they like Hasselhoff. Bumble rests his case.

Feel free to leave comments on what you would have said.

Death to Germans!